The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
One, my AH is livnig in an oxford house and looking for work with no luck. The other day he says he's scared and doesn't know how he's going to pay all the bills he has to pay (including child support which he has paid the last 2 months when he was working). My reply... welcome to the club...
Two - my current BF a non A. I have had ongoing issues with the fact that I am a secret from his family. We have been together over 4 months. He lives with dad and step mom (dad was an A and sounds like a real jerk). He is 24 and accepts being treated like he is 14. This has caused numerous problems between us because he frequently has to break a commitment to me to go to some family function that is dropped on him at the last minute (this month 3 birthday parties). I am irritated at feeling second but am wondering if I am expecting too much. He doesn't tell them about me/us because he is sure they will not be supportive of him and since he lives with them he is at their mercy. He pays numerous bills at the house like power, cable, water, etc. He cannot afford to move to his own place as of yet and doesn't want to be restricted in his ability to see me by telling them about us. He has no life skills at all and has not had the expectation put upon him that he learn them. He's definitely learning them now tho ;) I'm talking even down to cooking a meal that doesn't come in a frozen box. He's a very sweet guy, very hard working but sells himself short because of lack of belief in his own abilities (which I think stems from his parents' treatment of him and not allowing him to become an adult). His fears are that he will be disowned and no one from that side of the family will speak to him again. My thinking is who cares if that's how they are? But that's me... I don't do well with others trying to control me, tell me how to live my life, being judgmental, etc. So I'm done psychoanalyzing I just wanted to get it out there.
I'm frustrated with him. because he won't stand up and say I love this woman who is so much older than me and her brood of out of control unruly children whether you like it or not.... Is that asking too much?
-- Edited by debilyn on Wednesday 3rd of June 2009 12:44:12 AM
I don't think you're expecting enough! How important are you? I believe the Universe responds to our personal beliefs about ourselves, and mirrors it back to us.
I say, expect the best for yourself. Try to see your part in your own misery and change it. Don't accept being a second! You're worth much more.
CG, I have a 24 yo son. He is in medical school, and I feel my efforts to raise him to be a responsible, independent adult, were largely successful. Yet, I believe he is hardly equipped to take on a whole family at this age. I also believe (despite his intelligence) he could never be an "equal" in a relationship with a much older woman, because she has all the experience. (Equal partnership is very important to me personally.) My son is still very young, and still trying to discover himself. I think it would be like being in first grade and jumping into high school.
From your description, it's seems like a shaky foundation upon which to build. Should life be so difficult?
That's just my two cents. Many blessings.
__________________
The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
I think you know the answer to this, but you may not be ready to face it.
Loving a woman is one thing, accepting the realities of an entire stepfamily is another.
Some people are late bloomers and he sounds like one. He may not be ready to be his own man yet. I am sure he is sweet, as childlike adults often are, but that may not be enough for you.
This situation is like everything else in life, you can't change people but have to accept them as they are. Your BF sounds like a child...and if you want to stay with him, sounds like you will need to help to raise him. If that is "OK" with you and you are both happy then thre is no problem. But if you think that somehow "love" will transform him into a man, that may be unrealistic.
He sounds like he loves like a child too...when he wants to and it serves his needs. The self sacrificing kind of love takes a lot of maturity, which he may not have.
There is a reason why you chose this man/child to fall in love with, this is something you must examine in yourself. I know that a lot of Alanon people have control issues. Children are easy to control and manipulate, are you perhaps looking for a mate who is easy to control? Maybe someone you can sort of mold to be the kind of man you need? If so, beware, young men often have a relationship with an older woman trying to "grow up" faster. It is like a young teen smoking, it makes them "feel" grown up, without really doing the work to grow up.
Of course this is only something YOU would know.
Maybe this is one of those rare instances where this man/child really is capable of real mature love and is just stifled by a smothering family. But this is rare, most real men break free of their family of origin, no matter how stifling they are.
Maybe it will help you to examine what HE is getting out of the relationship. Maybe a place to stay and hang out when he is mad at Mommy and Daddy? Someone to cater to him and pamper him who isn't Mommy? Then, when he feels that you are smothering him, it is back to Mommy and Daddy. There is a very good reason why you are a secret.
It is the rare man who drops dates with GF's to attend birthday parties...who really attends the birthday party. How do you know what else is a secret in his life, from you?
Beware of secret keepers, it can become a way of life and then suddenly the secrets are kept from you too.
I don't think you're expecting enough! How important are you? I believe the Universe responds to our personal beliefs about ourselves, and mirrors it back to us.
I say, expect the best for yourself. Try to see your part in your own misery and change it. Don't accept being a second! You're worth much more.
I think you know what your answer is...When you are ready to face it , you will....the post above, I concur....HOW IMPORTANT ARE YOU???? to you??? ...What you think of you comes back to you...I totally believe in that....I am loving me more and more and I see it coming back to me in many ways.....I what I "send out" comes back to me....
I would NOT allow myself to be anyone's "secret".....I would feel like the guy was embarrassed by me......Naaaaw that would not work for me...
Just my take......use what you can and dump the rest
He's a great guy, BUT (due to circumstances you believe are out of his control), he doesn't act up to his potential. He SAYS he loves you, but what he DOES is go to family parties without you, and pretend you don't exist to his family.
Does this behaviour remind you of anything?
You say he has an A father. HE HAS BEEN AFFECTED BY THE DISEASE, Caro, and it's showing. Has he considered alanon?
I can only give you my ESH. My life was very much focused on relationships all my life. Any relationship took up a good bit of my energy if not all of it. I spent hours obsessing about them. These days of course I am not in a relationship but I'm not focused on getting one either. I am trying to lead a balanced life. Whatever your boyfriend has with his family of origin isn't going to be solved by you. I tried solving the ex A's relationships with his family they totally dominated him, age was not an issue there.
Yes, perhaps I know the answer and I'm just enjoying the goodness now until I get sick and tired of being sick and tired hmmmm that sounds familiar. He spends almost ALL of his free time with me. I hear you loud and clear about secret keeping leading to secrets from me. He does "show" love in every other possible way (ie going over and unpacking my stuff and having dinner ready for me last night when I got home from work after moving last weekend, picking up my daughter who treats him like the slime under a rock from school or other events, driving for two hours to take me to lunch for one, etc...) but the huge issue is the family and it's always revolving around the fact that they don't know about us. I met his mom (who he doesn't live with) and am soon to meet his brother in law and other parts of the family. Just not dad and step mom. I know that eventually it's going to come down to the point where he mans up or he loses me. For now I enjoy the time out, his sweetness and all the good stuff. He's mature in every other way, makes the hard choices and does the right thing even though it's not what he wants to do at the moment but when it comes to the parents it's always an issue and I believe it will get worse and not better as they don't want to let him grow up and be his own man. I do agree that I will probably be helping him to "grow up" as no one else seems to have done the job but he is willing to grow up it's just a matter of how much, will it be enough, and how long I'm willing to allow this to go on in MY life. Then a lot of times I think it's only been 4 months is that asking too much too fast? Basically I'm asking him to give up his security for me, we have talked about him moving in and he doesn't want to do that until he can pay half of everything. He seems to be willing to step into the family scene but I realize it is asking a LOT especially considering that my kids are more difficult than most. In the beginning this was ok but the longer it goes on the less ok it becomes.
I just have a problem with secrets...Honesty and openess is a big issue.....I was as sick as my secrets...Now I live healthy and the folks around me are healthy and open....
Just my take from past experiences....And another things I consider is how MY needs are being met in all ways..True!! I gotta take care of me, but in a relationship, are MY needs being met, too??? If there is "hiding stuff"...WHY....Time I WAIT!!!
This guy I am seeing again at the grad. party for his niece, this weekend..IF we connect again and date, he is going to be on PROBATION for a long time...Things to watch for
Will his actions match his words... Will he be open and up front w/me Will he treat himself and others w/respect How does he respond to kids, animals, stress, family members (both sides) DOES HE DRINK ALOT......BIG one there, LOL Does he accept me AS I AM or want to change me?? Will he consider me my own person and not an *extension* of him How does he talk with me Does being around him make me feel good about who/what I am..and respected...
And that is the SHORT list, LOL
I am just going to do more *observing* and less talking...and WATCH
Expecting too much ? I don't think so . but then thats me . and havent u had enough of trying to make someone * grow up * why should he- sounds like he has all he needs .
True true, he does seem to have it good doesn't he? He is very helpful to have around though and fun to be with. I have been trying to give him a chance to show what he's going to do and he's wonderful to me but doesn't really seem motivated to do more than what he's doing. I originally thought six months, it's been almost five, I think I'm going to give it til his birthday when he turns 25. If nothing has changed by then I know I gave it time to see what he was going to do - I can't wait forever for him to fully commit and grow up, I'm not getting any younger and I can't tread water in a relationship that's going nowhere.
Carolinagirl, I agree with the previous post. Why should you be his "secret". That would worry me greatly.
Plus the age difference. I think he is a "young" 24 year old and is not ready to take on a "ready made" family. He seems to have some maturing himself, before he takes on a family,
Don't mean to sound harsh here. Take what you want, leave the rest.
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Clara
------------------------------------ What don't kill you, makes you stronger!!!
Personally I don't think I would know how to have a relationship that moved at a normal pace. Mine all moved at rapid speed. I certainly also enjoy having people do things for me. I know for me there has never been an easy stress free alliance. I hope one day I get there. I know for me financial issues were always huge in making a relationship and really I think they played too hard a part. I wanted security and I over looked a lot to try to push for it.
For a long time, I got myself into relationships that I could obsess on trying to make what they weren't because I wasn't comfortable by myself and working on me.
The end result was always disastrous.
I'm grateful I don't do that anymore.
__________________
"If a dog will not come to you after having looked you in the face, you should go home and examine your conscience." - Woodrow Wilson
There is a reason why you chose this man/child to fall in love with, this is something you must examine in yourself. I know that a lot of Alanon people have control issues. Children are easy to control and manipulate, are you perhaps looking for a mate who is easy to control? Maybe someone you can sort of mold to be the kind of man you need? If so, beware, young men often have a relationship with an older woman trying to "grow up" faster. It is like a young teen smoking, it makes them "feel" grown up, without really doing the work to grow up.
Part of this post strikes a chord with me and it is totally echoes what I have wanted to post to you for months. I admire you, respect you as I do myself, but are we making unavailable choices, are you ready to commit, I know I tend to be delighted if anyone shows me the least interest, because of what I have gone through, I know this sound awful but this new guy doesn't sound good enough to wear your coat, I know its a step up but don't worry too much if it doesnt work out, you're enough for you.
For me I have no expectations of anyone. I accept people how they are. If I can't I don't include them in my life.
What right do I have to say they should be doing this or doing that? It is their life. I sure don't want anyone having expectations of me.
He is who he is, he is the age he is. Sounds pretty mature to me for his age. Pays some of the household bills, goes to family get togethers though he may rather be with you.
That is not an age that a boy is very mature.
I went out with someone a lot younger than I and had a blast. However I just liked him for what he did give.
