Dear Chris..

Sorry to see this unhappiness in your life.....I was married to TWO alkies and I had to learn the hard way ALL I can do is take care of ME....I had to leave both of them b/c MY needs were not ever met....I was doing all the work in the marriages and getting my butt kicked....alkie #2 was nice to me, but I was the one doing all the work in the marriage....MY needs were, like my childhood, not a consideration....I got sick of it.....Neither wanted to help himself....

Hopefully she will get into the program and work the heck out of it, and you guys can stay married and have some JOY in the marriage..... but it is out of your hands....SHE has to make the choice to work her stuff out or not.....You can only take care of you...Also, your getting stronger, I know for me, folks see me getting stronger...healthier....and they WANT what I got...so this wonderful program is kinda *catching*....I pray that that will happen for you two....

I hope you got a sponsor and all the 12 step workbooks you can find and I would go to tons of meets and post on the boards and take care of YOU....Do you have a sponsor??? I , even after 5 years of recovery have TWO  co-sponsors in that we sponsor each other  AND a couple of co-sponsors on line......sponsors are worth their weight in gold...Now I am healthy enough to sponsor others...its a wonderful program..Like I am *recycling* my good that  this program has given to me....

When a situation is *over my head*.....I LET GO.....LET GOD.....

Please keep coming back...This program is awesome....It will show you how to take care of YOU!!!!! 

Welcome Chris!

There is a meeting in the chat room right now if you would like to join us!

I have read a lot about people going through what you are. I am quite sure it is common of someone not drinking anymore.

I guess I don't have experience with someone becoming sober; they are all quite active.

I cannot answer for her. I can tell you some things my AH taught me. does not mean it fits for her.


He needed to keep his life like a tunnel. Doing the same things, having routine. It was how he could stay on program.

Since he had a plan of recovery, he was involved with my family. But could not have a good time at the beach or whatever.

It was because if he did choose to use, he was not sure how to go get it and hide it.

So the others are right on. We can only work on us. Which is awful hard I know.

If you can, the thing to do is give them their space. I know sometimes with an A we live very separate lives. I even had my own bedroom. We had sleep overs, it worked and as long as we were ok it was ok.

Being married to an A is never what we think a marriage is.

I have a dear friend married to an AW. His heart was always being torn up. They drove many miles,crossing states, she would not even get out of the car to look at things, or go into the house of friends he stopped at.

She is too uncomfortable in her own skin. Remember when they stop using they are the age they began. fifteen, sixteen? It is a hard one.

Doing a plan of recovery they work on things such as getting home on time, calling and checking in, having morals, working a job and coming home, learning not to lie, many things that fit just for them.

My AH would go into his shop every morn and have his talk to hp and decide, "I choose not to use today."  He learned to ask me how I felt. wow I remember the questions he asked me in all the years together. 2. How are you today and do you read all the paper?

I am NOT kidding. He has no interest in anything but what he is interested in.

Just how he is.

It is so hard, you probably have that horrible heavy weight in your gut.

One of the keys is, it was the diseae not your Aw. The sooner you can detach the better. Or the things you speak of will eat you up.

Love the A,hate the disease.

My AH put me thru so much I didn't want to live anymore. My mother was dieing and he called me when I was at her bedside and said horrible things. I wanted to kill him.

I HAD to learn it was the disease not him. Or honestly I would have done him damage.

You bet they go through changes, big time, they get sober and allll that stuff they used away, all the emotions, grief, guilt and more come down on them heavy.

We have to be strong for us and our loved ones.

The thing about giving and support, if we give it with expectations it will always kick us in the bum.

What to do now? What do you love to do? do it. Get as involved in things as you can even if you don't feel like it.

My friend goes off on motorcycles with his boys, fishes, all the things he loves. He is  like you,of course sad that his wife will not be a part of it. But like you he tries to keep things together.

He has learned to detach. Take a breath and think of YOU for a change.

keep coming back, this place is a perfect start. love,debilyn

Aloha Chris...!!

You are doing what really makes sense; going to others who have experience for
help.   Change is just....Change.   One day its this way and the next day its
something else.  There are naturally bound to be reactions.   Its okay and its okay
to have all those crappy feelings.   While she is trying to figure out what life looks
like without alcohol you can work at trying to figure out what life looks like with an
alcoholic.   It didn't happen over night and it won't get better over night either. 
Those who have a program and who work that program as suggested do it one
day at a time and one step at a program.  Recovery is primary.  If you don't make
it most important and put in a constant effort the most you will loose is yourself.

We get three choices..."Serenity, insanity or death."  Only one of those require
the most dedication and effort.

(((((hugs)))))