Hi everyone, I'm new to the boards. I'm actually getting married in a few days so I'm getting ready for the big day but at the same time, dealing with some unfortunate circumstances of my fiance. My fiance and I have been together for over 4 years, engaged for a year. When we first started dating, he was fresh out of college and it may have still been considered "cool" to drink. He was responsible somewhat about his drinking, he never drank during the work week (ie his drinking never interfered with work) and he would binge drink only on the weekend and never two nights in a row. He was/is able to say "wow, I drank a lot last night, I don't feel like drinking at all today". He also will never ever drink and drive (whew!). He doesn't get drunk when around my family, he doesn't drink much in front of either our families, so I know he is able to exercise some control. One thing I noticed about him several months into our relationship is that he treated free alcohol the way I treated a pre-paid food buffet-it's free so therefore, overindulge. I think his essential problem with alcohol is that once he has one drink, he wants more. Many times, he's able to stop his impulses and be responsible, but it is definitely a struggle! It's to the point he really doesn't drink much anymore nor go out where alcohol will be involved because he knows he'll struggle.

We have fought for years about his drinking. Had you asked me before I met my fiance if I would date someone with a drinking problem I would have said absolutely not. However, it's a bit tricky (this is not an excuse, more of a mere confusion on my part when I say this). What has kept me from ever breaking up with him over this problem is that he really doesn't drink a lot. His drinking in general has improved tremendously over the past few years but it's just not quite solved. I definitely notice other people in my family and relative's drinking habits who as far as I know, have no drinking problems, and my fiance drinks way considerably less than them. My fiance's problem is that alcohol changes his personality. He gets dumbed down, his ability to make smart decisions is lacking, he can't talk intelligently/coherently at all (sometimes even after just 2 drinks!). Point is, even a little amount of alcohol affects him. I'm beginning to wonder if he has a bad liver that isn't breaking it down efficiently He embarrasses me in public, he calls on his cell phone everyone he knows in his family and friends and he makes a fool out of himself. I feel bad that he can't even have a beer or two at night to relax without it potentially affecting him. I label him an alcoholic because if I ask him to not overdo it at an event or if we're sitting at home one night whether he says "ok" or not does not predict what realy will happen. He knows I hate it so then he starts hiding it from me and every now and then, I'll find empty beer cans or half drunk liquor bottles.

   Last January, as a New Years Resolution, he decided to quit drinking for 3 months to show me he could do it. After 2-3 weeks of mess-ups once a week, he finally quit drinking for 6 weeks. Since then, his drinking (as far as know and I am not naive) he has a drink on average once every 2 weeks and mostly those drinks are because he hides it from me and drinks it in private because he knows how mad it makes me. He's pretty dumb about it and I catch him a lot of the times. He probably gets drunk once every 2-3 months, the last time was for his bachelor party last month and he had my blessing. He's in counseling for his anxiety and on an anti-depressant. His counselor probably doesn't know how much of a problem his drinking is because obviously this is not something my fiance wants to bring up. He's reading literature about anxiety and depression and he acknowledges he has a problem, I even asked him to go to an AA meeting but that may have be pushed off until after the wedding.
   For the longest time I felt so ashamed that I was in a relationship where this was happening. I make up excuses for him and I, don't answer phone calls when upset, don't make an effort to talk and get together with friends because I'm so heavily involved in this problem and so ashamed, I kind of try my best to strategically hide out so no one finds out. This is hard because I'm a very independent person but lately I feel I'm spending all my free time with him. So when I say the reason he doesn't drink so much it is partly because he is getting better but partly because I don't go anywhere without him, I am always watching and monitoring him. Coming on the boards, I suddenly feel "safe" because I know others know what I'm going through. I'm not sure what to do at this point because like I said, my fiance doesn't drink much anymore, but it's still a problem because I know he is struggling to conquer his impulses. He wants so badly to get help and I know he realizes this is an issue that needs to be fixed. I love this guy and he's a wonderful person, but I just am sick and tired of having to treat him like a 5 year old when he's been drinking because I don't want to be his mother.