The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Thanks to all of those who responded to my last post. It is funny how I don't even see my own insane behavior until it is pointed out to me by someone else. One of my biggest problems is that I don't think, and what I mean by that is that I can't seem to think. I am a single mom and work FT, I also have a disabled mother who I take care of. At the end of the day-which is non stop from 530 to 830pm, I literally collapse from exhaustion most days. I never take time or have time to just sit and really think about what I am doing or why-and I think that attributes to a lot of my over reacting at times, and also keeps me focusing on everything BUT me. I realized this weekend when I was reading my AlAnon books, (which I do make time for daily-I have 5 daily readers I read daily) that the What Ifs and the Whys are pretty much me not trusting my HP to take care of my life for me. I have HUGE issues with control (quit laughing-lol) and have always felt that I had to keep everything going and see to it that things got done. Being a single mom I'm sure has attributed to that, I knew what needs done and when and it is up to me to make sure it gets taken care of. It is MONUMENTAL for me to LET GO and just let it all up to HP and trust that He will know what needs done. Silly I know, who am I NOT to trust God,who am I to think I know better than He does, but I'm being honest. So my main goal right now is to try to find a way to just try to THINK and REALLY FOCUS on my thoughts and what I am feeling and why. To somehow clear my head long enough, while I am awake, and learn to ask myself some of the questions that you all ask me here. I need to find a way to trigger my own thoughts like so many of you have helped me to trigger them. I think that is a big step in putting down the magnifying glass and picking up the mirror...... thanks for listening shelly Any suggestions would be wonderful and appreciated as always.......
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Put down the magnifying glass and pick up the mirror!
SHELLY________I have HUGE issues with control (quit laughing-lol) and have always felt that I had to keep everything going and see to it that things got done. Being a single mom I'm sure has attributed to that, I knew what needs done and when and it is up to me to make sure it gets taken care of. It is MONUMENTAL for me to LET GO and just let it all up to HP and trust that He will know what needs done. Silly I know, who am I NOT to trust God,who am I to think I know better than He does, but I'm being honest.
ROSIE_____This has been my "biggie"....CONTROL.....Fear if I do not have my hands on the controls, nothing will get done or WORSE, My life will fall apart....Well??? fighting and protecting and wearing myself tryin to control where i am Powerless , things DID fall apart......That stemmed from my childhood when I was so totally helpless and had to *accept* the abuse b/c I was defenseless...I had no safe person to go to...no safe place to run to...I was TRAPPED...So I "grew" this compulsive need to be in control as I felt back then God let me down....Lord only knows how much he protected me from that I do not even know of...I knew a girl who bore her father's child...I was spared that....But at the time, I felt abandoned by God so I had to be my "own god" and it did not work....I was no match for the darkness that attacked me night and day.......so yea, I was so much a victim back then, I HAD to be in control...Even if it was raging at my helplessness....It was a "semblance" of control.......
After getting battered by life enough, I decided to say "God, I give up!!! My will is NOT working...YOU take over"...
I had to practice it and boy I had plenty of opportunities to practice it...Stuff kept coming at me where I was powerless....I would get mad, yea, and scream and cry, feel the feelings, however more and more I was seeing me LET GO....TOSS IT OFF.....Do what I can to take care of me....LET GO the rest.....Its getting better (life) b/c I do NOT sit there and fight it and try and force my will....I just LET GO....Whatever is to be will be.....God has me covered...He always did....All he wanted me to do was REACH out to him.....The darkness cannot do anything very much to me when I am under God's wings letting him run the "big stuff"...Or ANY stuff that I cannot do anything about....
just my take...take what you can use and leave the rest
-- Edited by rosielightshines on Monday 1st of June 2009 10:08:05 AM
Well I am right there with ya sister... If someone had explained the hole "Think" thing to me a long time ago, maybe I wouldn't be such a "Reacter". I also struggle on a daily basis, with the "Easy Does It"...
Its funny how I "Think" Way Too Much "After the Fact", but during, it is a thoughtless proces, I am a Robot in time, (Or as a Lady at my f2f says, My Hamsters start turning:). I am slowly trying to get that freedom, but most days it does seem out of my reach, but its there...
Last night in our F2F, we talked about Step 3-4, or at least that is were it went for me... The one spoke of always having to go back to Step Three, "hand over her will to HP", and I stated that for me... It wasn't handing over my Will, it was not knowing how to "Start" Step 4... I don't know were to begin for my list is never balanced, my negative thoughts "WAY" out way my good, and I have to start back at Step One Again, Again, And Again...
But i know I will get were I am going for I have done "Thought" about "What I am Worth To ME", I slowed down enough to realize that, "I guess Baby steps is All I have right now" ... But I know I am going to go forward, for "My Will... HP Has, and His Will always Thinks :)"
Keep your head up, and welp..."If Nothing Changes, Nothing Changes"... A Wise Lady Beat that into my head about 6 months ago :) I am Still Most Grateful...
When I do the foot work and leave the rest in HP's hands, my life goes more smoothly. There have been times that I have not even wanted to do the foot work and just leave it all up to HP...things don't get done, and I get mad at my HP. When I do the footwork and then hang on tight to the outcome or the timeframe, I get mad at HP. I believe it is a balance....I have to do my part and trust that HP will do His part.
And I was in the program (firmly, with BOTH feet) for about 2 years before it clicked that I was a control freak. I really didn't see how I was....it is insidious. I had learned from childhood how to control and justify.
Being a single mom of 3, working and student, no ex to help, no child support, no grandparents to help out every now and again...I KNOW that stress that it is ALL on our shoulders. And we can revel in the accomplishments but we also will get full credit for the failures. It is a difficult position to be in. But I make sure I have time for me. Time for me to just enjoy the moment. And it maybe just the minutes in the car from meeting to home when I see a beautiful sunset, or stop to get myself an ice cream, or buy myself a magazine (that's a fun one) and read it cover to cover...those moments are precious to me and I do it. I don't just think about it, wish about it or complain that I don't do it....I just do it.
It is MONUMENTAL for me to LET GO and just let it all up to HP and trust that He will know what needs done.
Shelly,
First I guess I should say I'm not a Christian. I don't believe in organized religion sects or that it is what the God of my understanding had in mind. That being said.... The Christian belief is that HP gave us free will. It also hints that our lives are predestined. (Figure that one out).
I'm not trying to convert you nor do I wish to be converted. This really isn't about religion at all, but a different way to look at things. I am grateful that Alanon tolerates ALL beliefs, as do I. When I discovered that I could be "spiritual" and still believe in the teachings of Jesus, Buddha, and all prophets that teach love is the answer, with no "label"...that is the way I wanted to go.
I do believe HP wants us to love others, be compassionate, have empathy, give to those in need and be loving to people and our planet. THAT is his will. You have said many times that you can't understand why HP does this or that.. I don't believe HP does. That is where the free will comes in. We have free will to respond to situations as HP would like us to...or not. I have trouble believing that HP sits around inventing hurdles for us. Life is happening, plain and simple. Again, our response to it is what is important. We can change everything with our responses.
You could still be a Christian and understand that HP didn't connive with your XBF to make you crazy, send e-mails, contact you etc.. I just think that it would be so stressful constantly wondering what HP's will is in every instance and thinking HP is setting it all up. I'm just putting my thoughts out there, not expecting you to change the way you see HP, but maybe relax your perspective. If I'm thinking that HP set me up, then I'd be frantic trying to figure out what is the right thing to do..what does HP want? What if I do the wrong thing? No way could I deal with that stress. You asked for a slogan that is simple. Mine is not a slogan, it's a question. WWJD? (What Would Jesus Do?) I don't begin to think I could compare myself to JC, but it reminds me to ask the question when things get crazy and I'm feeling a bit out of control or angry.... (WWJD?)=How can I respond from a source of love?
Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
I do believe HP wants us to love others, be compassionate, have empathy, give to those in need and be loving to people and our planet. THAT is his will. You have said many times that you can't understand why HP does this or that.. I don't believe HP does. That is where the free will comes in. We have free will to respond to situations as HP would like us to...or not. I have trouble believing that HP sits around inventing hurdles for us. Life is happening, plain and simple. Again, our response to it is what is important. We can change everything with our responses.
(WWJD?)=How can I respond from a source of love?
Christy
Oh WOW!!! Christy, I just read and *digested* your wonderful post....THIS part really stuck out for me......LOVE it!!! What a GREAT assesment re: Higher Power.....
In my sicko days, I did think that God/HP was sitting around thinkin of ways to either abandon me or smash me down....I was soo sick....I am so grateful for this program...I chose Jesus...That is just my choice......I love this "respond from a source of LOVE"....BEAUTIFUL post, Christy...I just wanted to say that....
