The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
For those who don't know me, I am separated from my aH. We have a 5 yr old son. He has 2 older grown up kids. We've been together for 10 yrs.
As I journey along, I find I have times of great confidence of moving onward with a life that does not include my aH on a romantic level. Those are times when i am most frustrated, angry, resentful and bitter; where I feel like there is not a chance at all to form a "happy future" with aH. That between us, we make a perfect pair of absolute dysfunction-anger, lies, scripting each others behaviour, closed off entirely from one another. And at times I am fully prepared to detach (lovingly?) and move forward on decisions for my life that does not include aH.
Then there are times when I hope for, visualize, cling to, have a glimpse of, the love we used to share, the feelings we used to have, the peaceful serenities of a well formed couple. And I want that all back. I want my life back. I want my son's family parents back. I want our future together back. I lose all confidences about moving onward with life - I feel like that is a betrayal to my aH. I want to feel normal again.
And then I think, do I really want to feel "normal'? If my normal, has been what has brought me to a place of chaos; with all my codependant behaviour and all my aH's alcoholic behaviour...do I really want to feel "normal" again?
I guess, it boils down to a feeling of inadequacy and self doubt. That I don't trust myself to know what I want. That no matter what path I begin to choose, I sabotage that one way or another, by retracing my steps and going onto the other path. Heading down the path that does not include aH, then backing up and heading down a path with him, then backing up and heading down the path without him, then backing up and ...
I just dont understand at this point how to make decisions that are right for me. I always see two sides to it, and I have difficulty deciding what is right for me, what is best. I have a hard time making a final decision one way or another. I've heard "when in doubt, don't" - but the indecisiveness has created a new problem for me. Like living in an eternal limbo. Being totally stuck.
(((Rora))) I don't have much, if any, ESH to share with you on this one as I am in a similar place.
Just when I think I'm ready to take the next step and move on, I get that glimpse of what could be. Argh.
During one of the online meetings recently, the topic was about our picture of HP. Since I grew up with doubts about the whole concept of HP, this is something I struggle with, despite obvious signs that HP exists. After I shared, someone made the comment "Doubt your doubts". Maybe this applies here - I'm certainly going to think about it.
Well, then maybe it is time to pick a path and stick with it. Nothing is ever "forever" and we have to go thru the grief to get to the other side. Are you just scared of feeling all that comes with grieving the death of a marriage? Cause it is scarey.
I guess, I finally came to a couple of conclusions. One was that the relationship was toxic for me, it was stopping me from being the woman I wanted to be and I had to leave despite the intense, immediate pain. The second was that I was not helping my ex in any way, shape of form by staying in. I was being selfish, I was scared of the unknown so I was sticking with him despite the insanity. And that was not a good reason to stay. The third was my kids. I finally saw with my own eyes (a moment of clairity) what our relationship was doing to my kids. And that was when I knew, despite my fear, my lack of faith, MY desire to change my ex, I had to let go.
It was not pretty or easy and I did not do it gracefully. It was really messy and horribly painful. And for a very long time I had to tell myself that no matter the divorce, we still might get back together at some point, when we were both healthier......
Today, I am free and working on myself and I did the best thing for me and my kids by leaving. I really did. And I don't factor my ex into my happiness equasion at all today. I have no desire to ever have any relationship with him ever again. I have let him go.
I did the back and forth. I did the want/not want....the death of a relationship (especially with an A) is painful. But it is a good pain and we do learn more from going thru the pain than we do when we deny the pain. It is a pain I never want to have to go thru again and I have this program to help me stay focused.
I believe it is very wise to trust this advice, When in doubt, don't.
Don't act until you can do so with complete confidence. When I decided to file for divorce, I waited until I knew. It was a profound moment, a "knowing" came over me and I felt very calm. Like, God's grace came over me.
It didn't stop the pain of the divorce, and it didn't stop my mind from wishing, wishing, wishing it didn't have to be like this. When my mind wanted to believe in the good times again, I just kept telling myself that it was an "illusion" that things were actually good, because in my experience, the pattern of behavior kept circling around... things would go fine, and life would be good and "normal." But then it would happen again, the lies and crazy behavior that made life so scary. After each episode, I chose to believe that he would never do it again. My denial would make me feel safe again. But the pattern went on like this for 26 years. (yikes, I'm a little slow, heehee)
So, as I was going through the divorce, and my mind would go back to the good times and I would wonder, "What is wrong with me?? It wasn't so bad, what is my problem?" ...I decided my mind had a disease, which loves to make me second-guess myself in order to support the disease. I chose to make more meetings during that time, to treat my dis-ease.
During the divorce, I stayed in step 3 constantly, believing that I was in HP's care. (What a grand thought!) During my trips to the courthouse, my sponsor and I would say the Step 3 prayer together over the phone. She would say a line, and I would repeat it. I will never forget it. It was a very powerful time, I was "living" step 3, I was trusting.
The program teaches, that we can be happy whether the alcoholic is still drinking or not. I can honestly say that I worked my program well, and tried to stay in my marriage. In my case, my recovery had escalated his disease and he just wanted out. I decided to stop resisting and accept it.
Trust that clarity will come, in God's peaceful time. ((((hugs))))
__________________
The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
I can't say at this point In my life I know what you are going thru, but I have been to the place of moving forward, and back more times then not... I have started rereading my steps, and seeing were they apply to the currant "goings on" in my life...
I am rather new I suppose in I have only been here 6months, but have learned so much, My Sloagans are Very Helpful to me and they help remind me of which direction I am going in...and what I am going for...
Times like these are tough, and reminds me of the "Detachment" were it states, Detachment is neither Kind nor Unkind... To me, that means we make the choice as to what We choose to do for ourselves, and what we allow ourselves to keep "repeating"... I always ask myself, "Hows it working for you?" for usually that tells me it is time to focus on the Now, not the Then, or the What if, or the Future... My One Day at A Time, did not work for me, so now I am "One Moment At A Time"...That and my serenity prayer seems to help me thru these tougher days...
RORA_____Then there are times when I hope for, visualize, cling to, have a glimpse of, the love we used to share, the feelings we used to have, the peaceful serenities of a well formed couple. And I want that all back. I want my life back. I want my son's family parents back. I want our future together back. I lose all confidences about moving onward with life - I feel like that is a betrayal to my aH. I want to feel normal again.
And then I think, do I really want to feel "normal'? If my normal, has been what has brought me to a place of chaos; with all my codependant behaviour and all my aH's alcoholic behaviour...do I really want to feel "normal" again?
I guess, it boils down to a feeling of inadequacy and self doubt. That I don't trust myself to know what I want. That no matter what path I begin to choose, I sabotage that one way or another, by retracing my steps and going onto the other path. Heading down the path that does not include aH, then backing up and heading down a path with him, then backing up and heading down the path without him, then backing up and ...
ROSIE_______I see the first paragraph as needing steps 1,2,3.....I wanted my life back , too, but I was only in control of ME...MY actions...MY health...MY recovery....Betray to AH???? How is taking care of myself and MY needs getting met a betrayal....Didn't MY exAH betray me by refusing to get help???? Which one of us broke the sacred bond of marriage??? HE did!!! By refusing to get help....ALL I did, in my case, is REALIZE that I deserved BETTER.....
When I got up that sunny May morning 9 years ago, I realized...."Buns to the wall!!! I WANT MORE THAN THIS....." I threw my fears to the side and told him...."recovery or we are DONE"....He refused to get help.....I bailed.......Was I scared??? HELL yes!!!! I just took my fears with me and WENT....
Do I advocate breakups??? For me it was a "no brainer"....I saw I was UNevenly yoked.....MY NEEDS were NOT being met.....That was the "kicker"....I was FINALLY at the point where Rosie, ALL these DECADES was gonna get HER needs met for a change....Now its habit....I make mistakes, but they are MY mistakes by MY choices and MY being free......With recovery and God's help??? Yea, I am taking care of me...
Each person has to make that decision (stay or leave) on their own....NOONE can tell one what to do...I stay out of other peoples relationships....I knew a gal who was being physically abused by an ABF and she did not want help...She wanted my friends and me to listen to her and we did , however, it began to "wear on us".....I had to detach b/c it was "wearing me out" listening to her over and over and still she stayed with him.....I and my friends said "hey we will help you move.. but YOU gotta decide...Its YOUR life..We cant do anything but help you help yourself".......She kinda disappeared shortly after, don't know what happened, I hope she found her way...
I know this is kinda off track, but I just write down WHAT are MY needs??? are they being MET??? What can I do to have those needs met???? I write the pros and cons on a sheet...good on the left (assets)...bad on the right (liabilities)...Like an accountant that I am..... and then I give it to God if I am not sure what to do...I pray for guidence and wisdom and it always comes IF I LET GO---LET GOD......I have probs w/control, but getting much better....
I can relate to being "wary" of myself w/self doubt....What is "normal"....to me?? one persons "norm" may be a bit diferent than another....to me?? I am at my "normal" when I am serene.....feeling fulfilled as much as I can in this life.....I am feeling OK about my life and who I am and where I am at......I am "normal" when I feel my needs are being met by me and I am detaching from obstacles to my needs being met....I am "normal" when I can feel some PEACE....and feeling SAFE in my HP's loving hands and that I am doing all I can to help my HP help me.....I am "normal" when I am not running to my "isms" like junk food or too much tv , or other "quick fix" distractions to negative feelings needing my attention.....I turn to my HP now.....
I hope this made sense....Good luck in whatever you do.....
-- Edited by rosielightshines on Monday 1st of June 2009 09:42:36 AM
Then there are times when I hope for, visualize, cling to, have a glimpse of, the love we used to share, the feelings we used to have, the peaceful serenities of a well formed couple. And I want that all back. I want my life back. I want my son's family parents back. I want our future together back.
This was the type of thinking that kept me hooked for five long miserable years with a man who was never going to change once his alcoholism/addictions progressed.
I have learned to base my decisions on what is, not on what I wish is. The past is gone, the future isn't here yet. All I have is today.
Like you, I had no idea what normal was, and I was scared of anything that fell outside the dysfunction, chaos, and pain of living with someone with a disease.
I finally had to leave that 'security blanket' of my life as I had known it, and could finally see just how tattered and worn out it was. It had served its purpose.
((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))
__________________
"If a dog will not come to you after having looked you in the face, you should go home and examine your conscience." - Woodrow Wilson
"when in doubt, don't"..... great words, and great general philosophy, in my humble opinion, at least to a point...
I separated and divorced from my AW over six years ago now, and in some ways, I still really haven't moved on - certainly not to the extent I would have thought.... No longing for her (never really had that issue), but just can't seem to get on with things - buying a house, planning for the future, getting into a serious relationship, etc., etc....
I think it boils down to self-confidence, and commitment to one's self, to be honest.... I just kinda keep on drudging along, having some good days, some not-so-good, but not where I want to be, emotionally speaking...
Take care Tom
__________________
"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
For me its been a tremendous transition to go from living with total chaos to taking care of myself. I think grief is a hard one. I no longer miss the ex A. I miss some of the things we had the disease took much of everything else. The more I could detach from him the better. Ironically the less I knew about his activities the better. Maresie.
