The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Life has been so chaotic that I forgot to come on here and provide my updated story.
My love has passed away. He died at 4:55 am on 5/20/09, with me and his niece holding his hands. He was 36 years old! Conciously he did not appear to be aware at all, in a coma. Our children were not there, they had left the night before at midnight, because his vital signs were stable. But I am glad they were not, to see the last gasps. Other than those gasps, it was very peaceful, yet horribly painful for his family.
We knew on 5/18 that he was not going to make it. I am not sure if he knew or not, but I do know that he spent 2 months away from his beloved family drinking very very hard in Hawaii. Looking at how things have turned out, I have a very strong feeling that he had a conscious or unconscious knowledge that he could not control this beast and that he was going to die. He stepped away from me, the person he loved the most per his words, and the kids - including our 2 year old. He fought me terribly about putting the baby in daycare last October, which I had to do because AH could not care for him due to drinking. Yet in March he went away from all of us for 2 months.
We did get to spend 1 last family night together on April 24th. AH called me from Hawaii at 2 am on April 23, begging me to help him get home right away, even though he was scheduled to fly home on April 28. At first I was irritated with him. You went there, you find your way home. But something in his voice made me help ---- I got him a plane ticket and picked him up late that night. I was already supposed to go to a Padres game on April 24 with my sister and the kids. He really wanted to go - big baseball and Padres fan, even though it was going to be a 4 hour minimum drive and he was really tired (really sick we found out later). We made the drive, had a blast at the game with the entire family, even the baby. Extra innings game, Padres won, fireworks at the end!!!
We came home the next day and just spent 2 days hanging out. He hardly drank even though the two months before he was downing triple shot screwdrivers from waking to passing out. On Sunday night (April 26) he said he wanted to call our doctor in the morning to go to rehab. By the time we woke up his eyes were neon yellow, we called and were sent to the emergency room. That was April 27.
The next 2 1/2 weeks were recounted in my prior posts. I called all our family and friends on May 18 and said to come right away if they wanted to say goodbye. On May 19, I had to make the decision to stop all heroic measures (dialysis, intravenous feeding, oral medications) based on his wishes previously expressed. He was given as needed morphine and ativan to control his pain and discomfort. Then May 20, he was gone. He was free! It is sooooo incredibly sad, and yet there is a measure of freedom for me and my family. There is so much more to say, but this is long enough, and I know I have many journals, F2F meeting, this website, and family/friends to continue to share.
Thank you all for being here for me and everyone who needs a place to speak!
My deepest condolences to you and your family at this sad time...Your post saddened me!!! I hate to see this happen, however, when I do, I thank my HP for dragging me, kicking and screaming into recovery, so I would not die from my own hand....
My parents, life, events, ex's had beaten me down so badly, I was suicidal...my first attempt was at age TEN years old....I had given up on life at TEN years old!!! I tried it again a couple of times, but HP had another plan for me so he did not let me complete...Now I am grateful that I *made it* so I could work through my pain and get shed of it and have some LIFE here!!!
Thank God I got into here in this program.......So many do not!!!! I pray for the families they leave behind.....
My deepest sympathies on your loss. I was right were you are now, 10 months ago with my beloved Tim. He went on this one week journey revisiting some of his favorite places. I believe that people do know when their time is coming. I was so lucky I was home when he passed away in my arms. It seems like yesterday. I have no wise words for you, but I will say an extra prayer for you and your family. I am glad that you had some happy times together before he left you. May those memories be of comfort to you. Love and blessings to you and your family.
In sympathy, Karilynn & Pipers
__________________
It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
the love you shared was very apparent for both of you.
I am so sad the disease took him away from you and yours. Lost mine at 27. You are much too young to have to go through this.
For me naps and taking everything easy was important. When people tell you it is time to get over it, ignore them. It takes as long as it does to be able to feel comfortable in your own skin again.
Been 29 years for me and there are times I still grieve vey hard.
We never get over it, we learn to get it to a comfy place in our lives journey.
Dearest Andica, so sorry for your loss. I have been wondering how u are doing. My thoughts, love and prayers are with you and your AH. Some peace for him at last. Please stay in the program so that you too may find peace in life.
My deepest sympathy to you and your family. Thank You for sharing the love and caring that you experienced with this disease and your courage in the face of such pain.
I admire your wisdom and strength.
Please stay close to alanon. It was/is my life line since my son past form this disease two years ago.
You and your family are in my prayers.
-- Edited by hotrod on Saturday 30th of May 2009 10:13:18 PM
How very very sad, such a young man, such a waste of a life, such a tragidy.
No regrets, no second guessing you were there when he needed you to bring him back per his request.
My heart is so full of saddness for your loss, having two grown adult alcholics son brings this outcome all too close.
Know that you have my sympathies, you're a bright woman knowing this isn't the end of your need for the program. Hold on tight so you can be the very best you for both you and the two 2 old.
I am sorry for your loss but happy you got some wonderful time first. Prayers for you & your family in your time of need. Thanks for sharing your love with us.
__________________
Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
You have my deepest sympathy for the loss of your love, I have been in your exact shoes...I call it a walk in hell....my husband as well passed 2 years ago in June. I also had to do what you did, remove him from the life supporting machines.
Hold on to you children, they will help get u thru. It has taken me a long two years to accept what happened.
The one thing that helped the most came from my son. "Mom he is at peace and he doesn't have to fight anymore."
I believe this to be true....we all grieve differently, let yourself cry, scream, sleep or whatever it is you need to do.
My prayers are with you....I know your pain....just take it slow and easy, I promise it does get easier....I still miss my husband, remember dear friend addiction has nothing to do with Love.....
I have never doubted the love my husband (Chuck) had for my and our family, hold on to this.....keep posting....you are in my prayers,
Andica... very sorry for your loss, and thanks for sharing your story.... Perhaps, just perhaps, the story will stop at least one person from repeating this pattern, as the disease claims yet another victim....
When we were driving down to the funeral of my friend Gary, who passed away at the tender age of 40 - an oldtimer in AA, with over 30 years in sobriety, said words very matter-of-factly that I will always remember.... "it's sad, but it's really not surprising"....
I wish you and your children well...
Take care Tom
__________________
"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
I am so Sorry to hear of your loss, I lost my Afather in Thanksgiving last year, he did go in his sleep so that helps me, but he had a battle to fight for many years, and like you I am just glad that his suffering is now over, and we all have to try and pick up the pieces in our lives, once they are gone, I hope that you keep coming back, and I hope that your children only remember the good times :)
I think your story has touched us all. Thank you for sharing. My husband too was in the same situation, but by some miracle, survived. I was glad to read that you said "he is free". Please hold on to that during your grief and healing. He is not gone, his energy/spirit has transformed out of his earthly shell and has found peace and finally, rest from the bondage of alcoholism.
Christy
__________________
If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
(((((Andica)))))...It is inspiring always when I read of loving detachment. Love and Powerlessness joined by HP. You are not alone. Adding my love and compassion (((((hugs)))))
((Andica)) I am so sorry for your loss. Please take care of yourself and your precious children and know that your MIP family has you all in our hearts.
Sorry for your loss, even when you know it is coming it is painful. You are very strong and I admire your ability to work through this. I will keep you in my thoughts.
