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Made it through the day without jumping on the Merry Go Round of Insanity. Did real well, kept my focus on HP's will for me and kept reminding myself that the insane behaviors were all an attempt by me to control, manipulate and play God......All part of my sickness.
Got to my F2F meeting tonight feeling like I needed to be there after this week. So I go up to the door and we are locked out. There are two other gentlemen there talking about catfishing etc, so I sit down on the steps and chime in, telling them about a good spot me and EXABF went to last Summer, and how he almost stepped on a rattle snake etc. That is when the one man (whom I have seen outside there EVERY Friday I have been there and who looked somewhat familiar to me though I could not place him at the time), pipes up and says "Do you know B?" and of course I was floored. I said yes and he says are you "S"? and I say yes, and to make a long story short it is EXABF's sponsor, who attends the AA meeting downstairs. He mentioned that EXABF got a new truck and I kind of played stupid (this of course lead me to believe that EXABF has NOT been telling his sponsor that we have been emailing or that he was here in his nice new truck to get his junk) I told him it was nice to see him again, excused myself and went inside as soon as the door was unlocked.
There are some people who attend both the downstairs AA meetings and the AlAnon meetings upstairs, they float back and forth as the need arises. Now EXABF told me that on Sunday nights the man EXABF sponsors goes to the meetings at the hospital, so I avoid those meetings as I do not want anyone to "feed" EXABF information about me. I know they are supposed to be anonymous, and what you say here stays here, but I have seen first hand where they aren't always. I do not go to the Tuesday night meetings as EXABF goes to those meetings, so Friday night was my night, my safe night so to speak.
Now I am thinking all over the map again. Why would EXABF tell me repeatedly about the night his sponsee goes to what meeting and that I might see him there on Sundays, but not ONCE in 6 mths tell me that HIS SPONSOR goes to meetings in the same place as me, knowing full well this was my home group? Why hide something like that? I mean he probally knew I would not recognize his sponsor since I only met him once, but I don't understand why that wasn't something he would share, and why does it appear that he is not sharing things with his sponsor such as coming here to get his things,etc.? I got the distinct impression that his sponsor has no idea that we have had ANY contact anytime recently. Now mind ya when we were together I knew EVERYTHING about his sponsor, he talked about him ALL the time.
I just don't understand his thought process on this one and I know I am not supposed to but I can't help but wonder what his motivation was behind keeping this from me????, and now I don't even feel "safe" going there-I know it is supposed to be anonymous but I do not want EXABF knowing my every move when I am fighting like heck right now to get me back on track and keep him out of my life, nor do I want to be reminded of him at every single turn I make in my recovery, it's hard enough without that every week no matter where I go to a meeting. There are no other meeting options for me other than the 3 I mentioned!!! And it seems no matter which way I turn there is a part of him somewhere in EVERY room that I have the option of going to in this one horse town!
Any ESH would be appreciated greatly. I'm fighting right now with everything I have to overcome my addiction to this insanity yet it is there at every corner I turn in my recovery it seems. I just feel sometimes like I am fighting a loosing battle to escape EXABF and move forward in my own seperate life. shelly
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Put down the magnifying glass and pick up the mirror!
I can't give too much ESH, but, I remember I was on this GREAT board and I got this gal on whom I really thought would benefit...She got on and made my life hell..Was pm'ing folks about me (she was supposed to be recovery partner AND "close friend") and she's "leaking my stuff" and then , when I tried to detach, she would "flame" me...It was awful...I did not feel safe posting or going to the meets they had....
I had to make a total break from the board and all of it...I got on another site, thank God and things are still great there.....
Now, I don't have a fac2fac alanon thing, so its been mostly internet....I guess what I am trying to say is that I try to share and like I would not get my sister or my cousin on the same sites I am as there is stuff I want to share on these boards that I want OUT of my family or close people......I go where there is noone close to me and that is what works for me..
My heart goes out to you having to deal with this.....All I can do is tell you what I did which was small potatoes compared to what your describing.....
I live in a very small town. Years and years ago when an ABF broke up with me, there was just no way in heck I wasn't going to run into him, or his new woman, or his brother, etc etc somewhere at some point.
Was it uncomfortable? You bet. My only other option was to hole up in my house 24/7. Not very practical, and not very healthy for me either.
I just kept doing what I needed to do for me, and that included regularly attending my meetings. I couldn't have cared less what might have leaked out to him or anyone else for that matter.
Eventually the discomfort passed when I'd run into him or someone associated with him.
You're letting him take up way too much space in your head, in my opinion.
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"If a dog will not come to you after having looked you in the face, you should go home and examine your conscience." - Woodrow Wilson
You're right Shelly...you are fighting and there is no one else in the ring but you. It's okay to just lay down the gloves and the thinking cap and surrender. I sense fear in your story and don't see why. Life on life's terms and what ever happens happens right. HP's will, I believe, is for me to have peace of mind and serenity, acceptance and unconditional love, faith rather than fear and trust that what ever I suppose is or isn't happening, that I am and will continue to be okay.
Just remember that sometimes in order to make a mountain out of a mole hill we need to borrow dirt from somewhere else. Go find a place to hide your shovel and go sit quietly in your HP's hands.
It is like asking,"What made the dog tell him to run down the street naked for?"
Or asking what made my AH put up a fence then completely permanently make the gate not open?
It has no answer. Why is the water wet?
This is our disease. I used to do that as I am very analytical. I like to figure things out. Curious.
This is where,"drop the rock" comes in again. Doesn't matter anyway. The disease ties us up in knots, takes our minds away from what is important.
Hon our A's don't even know why?
So what are you into? We do our best to get into our own stuff. Can even be going to see a friend and not talk about A.
OR start something you have always wanted to do,or sit and make goals as to what you want to do.
Take a class,even an online one about something you are curious about and teach yourself.
I used to pick something and research it.
Learned from my dear fun Mother to ask myself."does it really matter?" That way I learned what stuff was worth my time and what I needed to let go." Cuz there will be bigger stuff coming.
Especially when we deal with A's, we need to make sure we only look a what matters and what is ours not theirs.
hugs hugs and more hugs, the more we obsess about the Whys of an insane A, the closer we are to getting so sick we stop or go nuts ourselves.
I know the scenario you describe well. For quite a few months, I sat in meetings with my AH's married g/f's mother. Now that was fun. I just chose not to talk when she was there, and then eventually let her know who I was, and that settled that . Have only seen her a couple of times since. Presently, I sit in a meeting with a good client of my AH's. What do I do? I go anyway. I get a lot out of the meetings just by listening to the shares, and often can share something relevant about me or a topic that isn't necessarily directly connected to the A or Aism. Then, I take the opportunities when she is not there to get more personal.
As for your exABF's motivation or intention about not filling you in on who is going where and when.... most likely you will never find out, and if you do is doubtful that it will make any sense to you, so for your sanity you may just want to give that question up. I love Jerry's suggestion to "hide the shovel".
Shelly, it is all crazy-making, it really is. I am convinced there will always be something to get crazy about if I let it. Just keep working this program and believing. Believing it can get better and that I will get better. I've been in recovery for two years and I am starting to see how the promises will come true. Time is our friend.
Blessings, Lou
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Every new day begins with new possibilities. It's up to us to fill it with the things that move us toward progress and peace. ~ Ronald Reagan~
Sometimes what you want to do has to fail, so you won't ~Marguerite Bro~
I just feel sometimes like I am fighting a loosing battle to escape EXABF and move forward in my own seperate life.
Shelly, The battle is internal, not external. Decide what it is you want and go for it by staying the course. You want serenity and peace? Then don't let these "why's" throw you in to such an uproar. How important is it? What does it really matter why he didn't tell you? If you knew, what would it change? Your main focus is on your recovery, right? Those why's are obviously not a healthy part of it and don't belong in it. If you believe you need to do HP's will, then do the footwork. HP can't make you do it or do it for you. HP may give you opportunities to overcome with the result being that you are stronger. This may have been one of them. Your job is to plow through with recovery being the end goal and doing whatever it takes to get there. EXABF will only become part of your past when that is where you decide to leave him. If you'd leave him in the past, it wouldn't make a bit of difference if his sponsor was there or not. If you are never going to be with BF again, then so what!! If you are worried about the sponsor telling BF anything, make sure he is says how well you are doing, how you are striving to recover, how strong you are, how you're moving on, how you are using the tools of Alanon to find yourself again. You gotta walk the walk in order for that to happen. Once you do, you will have found what your looking for.
Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
I had to realize at a point that the A was not going to act on my behalf, be my confidant, look out for me or give me any truth, whatsoever. I know he used to talk about his sponsor but that was him talking - it wasnt about giving you information. So I had to assume they were lying & assume they wouldnt be trying to help me. Maybe he thought - since it's all supposed to be anonymous, who was he to say anything.
If there are no meetings around and no other town nearby to get some different chemistry -- maybe you could help to organize a woman's group, to set up another meeting for yourselves. You can get info about setting up a meeting from the WSO.
I do online meetings & I get a lot out of them... I had attempted to get to f2f a few years ago but I felt too paranoid & shameful of all the stuff I was dealing with. I dove into online & have been able to be extremely honest and work a lot of it out, right here at the board & in chat. I do realize what I'm doing is slightly unorthodox but so far it is working quite well for me.
Back to ur exAb/f -- you can sit there & think he should have done this or that but know you absolutely cannot control what he does or doesnt do, least of all with his sponsor. As long as you try to figure it out or get mad about his lack of program -- you can't really work yours. It doesnt work & it makes (or keeps you) frustrated, confused & distracted from being able to work on you.
The chat room has mtgs twice a day, everyday. For a long time, I hit both mtgs in there & I know how effective it can be.
Meeting schedule: Monday-Friday...9 am and 9 pm EST, Saturday: 10am, 9pm EST(newcomers)and 9pm EST, Sunday: 10am and 7pm EST. _____ UK +5 hours, central -1 hour, mountain -2 hours, pacific -3 hours. Open chat all other times.
-- Edited by kitty on Saturday 30th of May 2009 12:03:13 PM
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
I know this is kinda off the beaten path, but remember I told you about that gal who messed me over on the board i was on back when I was 1st in recovery??? well it was true...i had to vacate at the time to take care of me....I was too new in recovery so I had to do the "basic/emergency" taking care of me....
HOWEVER, what these other posters are saying, I 100% concur with...After I work through my feelings, I no longer CARE what another THINKS....DOES....SAYS.....but I gotta work THROUGH it to GET through it.....Feelings are the first part of that....
Case in point...I had a sponsor...BAD breakup...She just DUMPED me after she attacked me and really knocked me into the ground.... She worked my inventory and really screwed with my head......set me back a bit....
My 1st response was to FEEL the feelings....Then I emailed her and recommended strongly (I had heard she did it to a few other folks, I was friendly with)..I told her the impact her actions had on me because some of our FIRST "come backs" to trust is w/our sponsors and I just kept the focus on me..What i was gonna do to take care of me (separation from her) and then I gave it over to HP...I told her bluntly that , yea, this was gonna need some healing what she did, but I was gonna keep moving forward in my recovery and NOT let her "take me down".....
Well, I get in this group sometime after this painful event w/EX sponsor (invite from another recovery mate who owns it) and LOW and BEHOLD...THERE is my EX sponsor!!!! Big as life!!! Did I care?? Hell no!!! I had come far enough in my recovery...worked my program...felt the feelings of anger/loss/grief and then TOOK CARE OF ME.....Kept focus on me and "whala!!!" it was OVER....
I still share there..Still go to their meets...I could give a DAMN if she is there or not...She is just an acquaintence of mine....She leaks info about her sponsees..I know for a fact she does.......Do I care??? NOPE!!! What is gonna happen to me if she leaks me out????? NOTHING!!! I am not gonna die....the sky is not gonna fall on me.....I am not going to do ANYthing I do not want to....I can "send her arrows back to her" by NOT letting her get to me.....
Now I see her as this pathetic individual whom I now lift in prayer because she's been in "recovery" for 20 plus years and I look upon her with some compassion that she is still in the same ole hole.....I can remember, even, the good now...It is really over when ya don't hate or love anyone anymore...AND i can even feel sorry for her that she is running off so many potentially strong allies......Recently she was in need of computer help (i am certified technician) AND she needed comfort while being sick.....NOONE responded to her.....she is reaping what she sowed....It is 100% guaranteed...What we put out in life, we get in return.....so, with that valuable knowledge, I can now turn someone over and get on with my life AFTER I have gone through the cycles of grief and have taken care of me....I can really release any hatred/resentment because of this wonderful truth....
she has NO space in my head anymore....I hear her in meets w/detachment and nothing else...I say "thank you for your share" with detachment....I don't respond....I JUST DONT CARE.....
yea, it took a lot of work and releasing on my part to get to this point but I did it...
Its like my pervert father....NO more is he in my head messing up my day....I just REFUSE , now to rail about him.....I have been in recovery 5 -1/2 years...the first 2 years I RAGED.....I mean R A G E that was red, it was so bad...Then the TEARS of grief.......so the first 4 years, I was going through the "debriefing" of what he did to me...."the deeper the pain....the deeper the recovery"...is so true......now?? i am putting some serious distance between him and the incest and myself.....it no longer controls my life...
.yea, i still get triggered and "down" at times, but i can manage my emotions....they no longer run my life..my thoughts...my day!!!! it took a lot of work and TIME.......I knew that it would happen (releasng me from all that) in TIME....MY time....MY terms...MY schedule........
.I wanted soooo bad to be free of all the people who harmed me....from the beginning male parent/child offender breaking my heart/trust/innocense/relationship with God ALL the WAY through my ex sponsor breaking my heat........
But the thing is.....I DID IT.....WHY???? I wanted to be FREE!!!!! So one day at a time, I DID it....I SCREAMED....CRIED.......TALKED about it.....Then, I found I did not want to talk about it anymore, because I was lookin upwards to the SOLUTION, even during the debriefing stages, I think........NOT staying stuck in the problem...ya see what I am saying????? it was MY choice how long I was gonna let these awful people stay in my head and screw up my day........
I knew I had to work through the feelings, but I kinda set a GOAL......a TIMER on it....Like "ok, I'll sit under the weeping tree and cleanse all I need.......THEN, when timer *dings*...I am climbing out from under the weeping tree and reaching OUT to the SOLUTION"......
I hope this made sense......it CAN be done....Its up to me to CLAIM my good...Its up to me how long I intend to "sit under the weeping tree" B4 I decide that I have screamed and cried enough and NOW it is time to work on the SOLUTION.....I set a timer on me, even now, how long I "talk about it" and its ONLY when I am working my 12th step to help another survivor....In my "regular life".....NO!!! My time is for ME.....Working on ME....Taking care of ME....SO, I can SHARE the healthy me with HEALTHY and SAFE others.....
I hope this post made sense......I hope you are working with a good sponsor and doing the 12 steps....I work steps 1,2,3, regularly because to me??? They are the foundation of the entire program, then I build my house the rest of the way...working the 12 steps is my habit...Like eating..sleeping....12 steps...co-sponsors....literature...meets....prayer/meditation are a daily habit of mine........It will for you too......This WORKS if ya work it.......God bless
Shelly I have found the most usless question to be *why* would he do that , why would he say that ? there is no anwer when trying to figure someone out . as far as repeating things said in meetings I have found that AA is famous for gossip so if there is someone in the room I don't feel comfy with I jsut don't share , it is important that u feel safe in your meetings . Occasionally we have meetings on anonymity and how important it is to our recovery , who goes to meetings and what they say are no one elses business . especially for partners it is a must that things are not repeated from one program to another . I love double winners they help me alot in my recovery but I don't trust them all .
With all due respect, he's your ex. So why bother getting upset about this? He's an A and still has baggage. That doesn't mean that you have to carry it. There is no use in trying to figure these things out. It's only going to drive you crazy. Why waste all that time and energy on something that in the long run really doesn't matter. I'm sure you have much more pressing matters than letting this guy push your buttons.
If you really like this meeting than stick with it. Remember the old saying: What other people think of me is none of my business? You are there for you and your recovery, no one else's. Do what is best for you. If you are not comfortable in that meeting any more than there are plenty of other ones to look into. Recovery is about taking back your life and living the life you so richly deserve. So take it back from him. Live your life, not his. Love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
Recovery is about taking back your life and living the life you so richly deserve. So take it back from him. Live your life, not his.
Oh this is so true.....TAKING BACK MY LIFE!!!!! I had to work my butt of for about 4 years into my recovery, I finally noticed maybe after my 3rd year I began to NOTICE!!!! I GOT my life back!!!! I had to WORK and WORK hard.....But I am worth it.....I don't give my power over anymore.....If i see it creeping up???? i get into a meet...call or email one of my recovery mates , work the steps and I TAKE MY POWER BACK............
He didn't tell you about his sponsor going to the same meeting place because he is keeping LOTS of stuff from his sponser. He knew that if you EVER (even when things were good) knew who his sponser was and where you could bump into him, then his cover of being a good AA guy would be blown to bits. He would be discovered as the ever dysfunctional, hurtful alcoholic he is. His sponser would NOT approve of his behavior towards you and would call him out on it. He doesn't want that.
There ya go. There is your answer. It's not rocket science. It's just garden variety dysfunction.
I would obsess for days, weeks even on the why's.....my God WHY????? How could he, why wouldn't he, how DARE he????
And I am never too far from falling back there. Just like an A is always either moving towards a drink or away...
You're doing fine, Shelly. I swear this is all part of the process. You didn't get the closure you needed when the relationship ended and so you are finding ways to wrap this up within your own head. That's OK!!!!
Because I know for sure, without a doubt, that you WILL get thru this. It WILL pass. And you will be stronger and wiser for it all.
. Have only seen her a couple of times since. Presently, I sit in a meeting with a good client of my AH's. What do I do? I go anyway. I get a lot out of the meetings just by listening to the shares, and often can share something relevant about me or a topic that isn't necessarily directly connected to the A or Aism. Then, I take the opportunities when she is not there to get more personal. 