The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am so frustrated with my teen son. He is sooo moody. The simplest things set him off. Tues and Wed were pretty good nights for us. He went to karate and had a good time. He came home in a great mood both nights. Yesterday we had his weekly court session where he stands in front of this great Drug Court Judge and they talk about his week. If he has a good week, he may get rewarded. If he has a bad week, he may suffer a consequence (i.e. detention). This was his 1st week in the program. He had a pretty good week for the most part aside from a few days of bad attitude. So court went well. I took him to karate after court. When I picked him up, he was so mad about something. I tried to get him to talk to me about it but he wouldn't so I tried to let it drop. However, the damage was done. The rest of the night was horrible. Arrrrggg. He was a complete butt head. He threw a hissy fit when I wouldn't allow him to cook bacon @ 9:00 at night. He blared the TV even after I repeatedly asked him to please turn it down so the rest of us to go to sleep.
Another frustrating thing about all that is going on is the fact that my son just flat out aggrivates me. For example: his music. I can't stand his choice in music. He cannot stand mine. When we are in the car together, it is a constant battle over what we will listen too and their typically isn't any kind of comprise that can be made. Now he has an ipod full of crappy music and he is constantly after me to listen to this or that. I don't want to hear his music period. I think to myself that I should just listen to his music to shut him up but I just cannot do it. It's the type of music that that borders inappropriate - language, content, etc. And his constant insistance grates on my last nerve. It just makes me want to SCREAM!!!
Another one is the fact that he cannot seem to understand that he is lucky he has so many luxuries in life. Roof over his head, his own bedroom, plenty of food, clothes, entertainment. Yet it doesn't seem to be enough for him. I am on an extremely tight budget. He whines and complains that we don't have any food in the house...but there is food. Just not exactly what he wants all the time. He expects me to drop $70 on a pair of shoes for him and gets mad when I tell him my budget barely allows $30. He dared ask me if I remembered a promise I made him 2 YEARS AGO that his dad and I would buy him an electric guitar as soon as he learned to play the accoustic guitar. He has just now learned to play a couple of songs and not that well at all. I am scraping by to pay my bills and he hits me up for this??? On top of that, his behavior the last 2 years doesn't warrant any type of reward. He has been in some serious legal trouble. He shows zero respect for me or my house rules.
I just don't get how he can EXPECT so much without doing anything in return. He seems to think that if he does one or two good things or has a day or two of good days, that it wipes his slate clean and he can have and do whatever he wants. Crazy. And I am so tired of it.
Arrg. Thanks for listening/reading. I just needed to get that out.
Sorry don't mean to make light... My Mom was the same way with my Abrother.. She would allow him to get in HER car and mess with the radio, and pretty much do as he pleased anywere, and welp. My suggestion was that the new car rule be... NO MUSIC... Talking only... And if they had nothing nice to say, then it was a nice quiet ride...
You being Mom have that right.. And I agree, that if his behavior has been horrible with only a few days of sunshine, that is not a time to reward him with gifts.. And when the "Gifts" are out of reach in your budget then the rest of the family suffer for the lost cash...
I know what you also mean about them having it all, but if you ask them they have Nothing... My son started that a while back, he is on the Verge of Puberity, "God Help me", I told him flat out... "If you feel you have nothing, I am OK with coming in to your room and just suppling you with the bare essentials (Bed, Dresser, Covers, Clothes) for that is ALL the STATE says that you need!" He didn't like the joke, but knew if he pushed, it would not be in his favor... For I have once removed his bedroom door for months because he wouldn't unlock it...ONCE...He didn't like that either, but he survived and he quickly understood that I pay the bills, I make the decissions and the rules...
That may not work for you, but I am sure there is things you can do to get his attention... That is all that he is reaching for, and if it has to come in the form of negitive attention, then he is good with that to... I remember my own, Teen Years... I was too the same way... The more miserable I acted the more response I got from my Afather & my Co-Dependant Momma...I learned to play them both, and with them being devorcd and living on differant sides of town... I learned to manipulate them both to my advantage...(Guess that is why I am so Nosie in my sons life..lol..)
My Abrother has gotten into trouble his entire life since about 13 to well... He will be 30 in July... He is still in and out of jail, and still chooses to drink, and drug, and miss work, and what ever... If your son is ANYTHING at all like my brother... 90% of the things he is doing, he is doing because He KNOWS they drive you Crazy... They figure if they do it long enough, YOU will cave...And Most do...
Go Easy On Your Self... Just Be MOM, and take it one day at a time..As your Budget Allows...This too Will Pass, but I am sure Not Soon Enough :) ... Hang in there... You'll do fine...
In Al-anon I have learned "Boundry's" to deal with my A... They also work Great On My Son As Well..Figure yours out, set them in place, and then Let Go & Let God... Thats what I would do :)
tv loud? unplug it, take the receiver and put it in your room.
car music? turn it off. take the knobs off.
When we do the same things,expecting a different outcome, that is insanity.
Of course he takes everything for granted. They don't have the brain matter to really "get" so many things yet. I remember not even seeing the dirt my daddy asked me to sweep up.
There are many concepts that their brains don't process yet.
Why do you think they take 18 year olds into war? They have NO concept of anything possibly happening to them. They race their cars, they snowboard jump over HUGE obstacles, dirt bike ride in the mountains. As far as they know they are invinsible.
I know from LOTS of experience, it is not the kid having the problem. We need to treat them like we always have, boundaries, consequences, ignore what they say ,watch what they do.
Who is the alpha here? He wants you to be in control.
It is too big for him to be.
Its like when they are little and fall down all the time and get so mad! He is mixed up,confused and more.
teens need us to be strong, the foundation and be there for them as a parent.
Debilyn: I don't know about the scared part but that is DEFINATELY out of control!! No matter what I say or do, he goes against it. Classic O.D.D. If I say the sky is blue, he will argue that it is purple. It is craziness. If I suggest tacos for dinner, he wants pizza.
I have and do turn the radio off in the car if we can't agree on what to listen to. I have sent both kids to their rooms when they couldn't agree on what to watch. I have taken the tv remote upstairs w/me at bedtime before. He found another way to control the tv. Shear Madness!!
You know I have been reading yoru posts the past couple days about your son. i do not think I have responded, but after reading this I sat and was thinking and it really reminds me of my A brother when he was younger. How old is your son? Is he old enough to get a part time job to buy his own $70 shoes. My mom could never afford that either, but she was also an A. My brother got into drugs and drinking at a young age and now is just with drinking and he is 23. My mom often enables him which helps him out. She just doesn't realize she is enabling him.
You sound like you are going through a hard time with you, but I think you are doing a good job! And yet the best you can. Hugs to you!
__________________
"Live in such a way that you would not be ashamed to sell your parrot to the town gossip." Will Rogers
Thanks Melissa. My son will be 16 in early Aug. He is working on getting a job but it is tough. Most places won't hire until you are 16. Some 18. Plus the job has to be within walking distance of my house b/c I work and I cannot get him to his job during the day. He has applied for jobs where friends' work so they can carpool. He is in a drug program now through the courts and HAS to work or do volunteer work for 32 hours a week until he gets back in school in Sept. (his 3rd attempt @ the 9th grade). I am praying that this program he is in will really help him get back on track. We shall see.
Oh wow. I wish him luck and you as well. I am a criminal justice major and have read many good things about drug courts. It's always good if needed for individuals to do it at a young age rather than when they are older.
__________________
"Live in such a way that you would not be ashamed to sell your parrot to the town gossip." Will Rogers
Debrilyn says When we do the same things,expecting a different outcome, that is insanity.
I like the suggestions here. "taking knobs off...receivers in the other room"......Been there...Done that.....My D Daughter loved to play music so loud I couldn't hear.....I took the stereo out and stowed it at neighbors....She had a meltdown.....I told her it was not coming back till she learned that she was not gonna play it so loud all the time....We were in an apt. and we had neighbors.......I had to send stereo next door a couple of times till she got the message that boundaries and "you can go so far" MEANS it....
hi , when kids don't have a strong foundation, they act out. They "act" tough trying to hide how uncomfortable they are, how scared they are. If they cannot trust us to be tough, they are like a building on sand.
The kids who carry guns, knives, talk big, in gangs it is becuz they are afraid and need some kind of structure,protection.
They are begging for boundaries.
I think you said he was in karate? If he could really get into that, it has a good phylosophy.
Maybe make that a major priority that he go no matter what.
hugs, you hang in, he needs you. See if you can find you a parent support group. We have them here. Helps ya know you are by no means alone.
I wish I had known then what I learned later. I was so much like you!
This might sound crazy, but your posts about your son bring back fond memories of the time I used to spend with my step children. I don't have kids and I desperately want one. Those step kids of mine used to get under my skin.....UGHHHHHHHH.....but I miss those days so much.
I surrendered to the music thing in my car. I listened to their junk. And when there were times when I just had to listen to my stuff....they had to just suck it up. I jammed it up loud and rolled the windows down and sang at the top of my lungs, they thought I was nuts. Once stopped at a bridge, my step daughter said she just felt like getting out of the car and running around it. The line of traffic was a mile long while we waited for the drawbridge to reopen.That was pure joy to me....i imagine that the worship song i was listening to moved the holy spirit in her and caused her to run around happily. Now there were times when I just couldn't take them two fighting in the backseat of the car. SO...i pulled over, made them get out and told them they had to do 10 pushups before I let them back in the car. They didn't want to...so I threatened to leave them there...I let them get back in the car as soon as they started to squat down to do their first push up. Told them the next time they might not be so lucky. There mom was very mad me. Wanted to rip me to shreads. I got a phone call from her about 2 weeks later. She was at the grocery store and she was leaving them there in the parking lot unless they each gave her 10 and she wasn't caving in like I did. ROTFLMAO....I guess they were not so lucky.
OH...and the $70 shoes...i remember that so well too. Well, we paid child support and I thought that was enough, but often many times we threw in a few extra bucks for those fonkly looking shoes.
I think I am going to call my step son right now...he's all tatooed up at 17 and sneaky, but I love him so and I want him to know...
Like a lot of teens I use to counsel they seem to loose their eye sight at an early age. Your son cannot see the very large hammer you hold in your hand over the top of his head. I encouraged my parents to always be honest when the question "How are you doing?" was asked. It is never ever only about their answer because family is a "We" thing. If the kids were trying to bs the court like they bs'ed the faminly...drop the hammer and be fair, honest and just with the family, yourself and your child. Anything else might be considered enabling the problem to get worse in the future. No doubt you are "thee adult" and will be held responsible for being that. You can't ever bruise them as much as they can bruise themselves.
Now I know where my son goes when he is "hanging out", he's at your house. Wow! You made me feel like I was reading my own share with my 19 year old. I am so sorry for you. It is such a difficult place to be. They do try to manipulate us, all of the time. You never know what you are going to get, the loving young man you raised or this other person who is almost unrecognizable. It sounded like karate was working well for him until you talked about the last experience. I know your nerves are frazzled. You really just have to make sure you take care of yourself. The music situation, is it really worth it to battle over? Tough thing, if you are that offended by it then I guess you really have to stand your ground. My stand with my son was always that this is my house and my rules and if he was not happy with the living arrangements he could go and find a new place with the food he wants and the rules he chooses. He tried to leave once but that didn't really work for him. Your son is in a very different situation but my son was pretty much just as "ungrateful" as it sounds like your son may be. I will pray for you to have patience and try to enjoy the happy times you have. I know they wish that a day or two of good behavior will just make us forget how awful their previous behavior was. I don't get that, I mean if I see REAL effort I do verbally reward him. I make sure that I identify the specific behavior I am happy with. But I feel like I take a real chance when I do this because he uses it against me as well. It's tough anyway you look at it and/or live it. But my prayers are with you and your family!!! Good luck and hang in there, it does get better.
Detaching is very very difficult to do. I took years to learn it. The sooner I learned it the better my life became. There is a primer on it at www.coping.org.
