The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Today I am struggling with all sorts of feelings. I managed to get out of the house and spoke with my sponsor and two of my closest recovery friends. I am going to sit down and have dinner and attend an open AA meeting tonight. I would be less than honest if I told you that I was really totally okay. I am not. I hurt like hell. I really cared about this guy...and I thought that things were going well. I feel like he just wrote me off. This is not the first time he has done something like this (ie. read my other posts). It is difficult for me to come to terms with, how someone that claims to care about me, and at the very least is supposed to be a friend, could treat me so badly.
One of my recovery friends told me that although I may not "feel" good...I am doing good. She told me that it was time for me to realize my own worth. She affirmed me today and my right to speak up for myself and set boundaries about the kind of treatment I will accept and not accept from others. I am stepping up my meeting attendance and going to work my butt off to stay off this roller coaster and be good to myself. I am acknowledging my need for love and respect...How amazing and how wonderfuL. I am on a path now that is a journey toward light and goodness and things that are "life-giving"....I cannot help anyone else...I just thought to myself, "Gee, if someone feels a need to act so lousy to me...then they must be really miserable". I don't want to walk around with bad feelings. I try to address things as they arise and deal with them tactfully and like an adult and move on to better things...I once heard F.E.A.R in recovery was really "F" Everything And Run or Face Everything And Recover. I can only choose for myself...not for anyone else...I have to accept my BF's choice to 'run"....
At this point I can honestly say that I am beginning to realize that my worth is not determined by what others choose to do...but more by how I choose to respond. I am hurt ...but I have decided to surrender...I am powerless...and I need to be restored to sanity...so I set boundaries, communicate my feelings, go to meetings, talk with recovering people, post here and keep on keeping on...I believe that people who care about me and matter will journey thru life with me and grow through our challenges and struggles...and those who choose not to...were not meant to be in my life and were not really part of HP's plan for my life...Only the lesson learned was a part of HP's plan. I told my friends that I need all the support that I can get right now to stay on track and I need it from you guys too. Rosie you have been good strong medicine for me...Thank you. To the rest of you who posted here ...thank you for your kindness and the love I feel through your support and concern. With Unconditional Love, D
You got some good stuff from the recoverying members you hang with. That brings back great memories for me. While I was relating to what happened to you and how you felt as a result of it I thought "how ironic that her nick is Saved by Grace" because I learned to give grace to others, allowing them to be who they were and adding a further awareness that they were "children of God". Course I was also acknowledging that I had also acted as they had in the past and that I was also a "child of God and...." One of my gifted sponsors taught me that no matter what "don't take what others "SEEM" (I do have a skewed way of looking at things at time...always outward and forgetting to keep and eye on myself at the same time), to do personally and that way I would releive myself of "Taking on" hurt. That is a daily practice for me because I acknowledge that I don't ever know exactly another persons intentions or that I heard exactly what I thought I heard, or that I read the picture well enough. Yes I can always ask for clarification and still...don't take it personally. Giving Grace is for me a great program lesson. I get to get what it was I was looking for when I got here...Peace of mind and Serenity.
