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Today I saw an old friend who used to be my neighbor 10 years ago. The entire time I knew him when I lived near him I over reacted to him day and night. I found him incredibly irritating, I thought condescening, and rigid.
Today I saw him for a social call I have not seen him for probably 6 years as I was totally mired with the ex A for that time. Now I am able to detach there is no over reaction, there is no taking what he says personally and there is no feeling he is rigid. I'd have to say he is pretty much the same, nothing has changed in his demenor or mind set.
I used to loathe living near him, felt terribly judged by him, took everything he said as a personal affront to me and more. Now I think I actually might like him.
I had no idea that control and over reaction went hand in hand.
Yep controling and over-reaction go hand in hand every time. Everytime I try to control my husband and get him to do something that I think he should do and he doesn't do it I want to just jump in there and spew forth a few comments. Usually I keep my mouth shut, to my credit, but sometimes I just can't and let it spew! Over-reaction never gets me anywhere but further from where I want to be.
Thanks for sharing your progress with us. It sounds like your working a great program!
I didn't know they went hand in hand either. Hmmm maybe some times and then maybe not. Most always I take a look at what emotions are there with the behavior I'm seeing and then too what personality traits do I recognize. Just like an analytical to react to a post huh?
interesting observation. I used to be the biggest over-reactor on the planet. Now, before I think, feel or do anything at all I just stop when someone says or does anything that affects me. I just pause and scan myself. It only takes a couple of seconds. If its something that I perceive as bad, I just sit with it for a bit. I know now that nothing is bad or good in and of itself- its my spin on it and how I perceive it. Good stuff can topple my serenity just as effectively as bad stuff. I do a serenity check. Then I do a "what am I feeling?" check. Then I usually just emit a simple acknowledgment that I heard or understand and take it in and mull it over for as a long as I need to.
I am reluctant to make any crisis, ever, about anything. I used to do it constantly. Yeah, I have to agree that over-reacting could very well be all about manipulation and control- I also know its all about NOT accepting which goes against my program. hugs, J.
I too have had moments like this... You spent most of your "Obsorbed" life, disliking people you didn't even know, or really get a chance to... I had a lot of friends that I too felt threaten'd by, and took EVER word they say to heart, and feel like they are just twisting the knive in my back...
Al-anon, has brought new life to me, one that I am still along way from being anywere near profection, but at least I am not being that "Judgemental, self centered, Hypicrit" that I once was... I know watch me Asister be just that person... She can tell you EVERYTHING that is WRONG with Someone ELSE, but she is Never wrong, nor has any reason to feel she is....
It can be hard to sit with her at times, but I have learned to know when to get up and walk away to save my own sanity...
Glad you are doing so well working your program... I know it has opened up a whole new world for me as well... A Honestly I am truly grateful for the gifts I have recieved with this program... What a blessing :)
This is very interesting... I do know I was trying to control others & I was most times, over reacting & feeling quite silly when I did, afterwards - always had shame there. But I do see it... over reacting is a way to (try to) gain control of a situation/person & of course it doesnt give us that.
I really wasnt that in touch with me trying to control others. It took hurrican Ike (a category 5 hurricane) for me to see that I was desperately & at every turn trying to influence others & the denial that I was controlling - I just saw it all in black & white, it was so obvious... I was stunned but made the move to change completely. I was able to move to acceptance with others & stop manipulating. Since last September -- since I stopped trying to control anyone out of my hula hoop ~ I dont think I have over reacted since. I hadn't even thought about it or the connection between the two control/over reacting.
Thanks so much for this post & you working your program. I genuinely appreciate your words/posts so much, I relate.
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
I am working on my controlling and over reacting. I have noticed here lately that I don't allow my kids to complete sentences. How Rude!! Right? Well, basically it is control & over reacting. I think I know what they are going to say, I cut them short and tell them NO!!
My son has been telling me this for some time. Well last night, my 6 year old daugther was making a suggestion and I cut her off mid sentence and said No. She looked at me and said, "You didn't even let me finish my sentence. Please let me finish it before you give me an answer. It might be a good idea." So wise for her age. The thing is, she was trying to negotiate something I had already told her no to and I knew this instantly. But I do realize now that I need to quit interupting, let go of the control a little and quit over-reacting to everything they say that I don't automatically agree too.
Hmmm, wonder where my son gets his arguementative attitude from? LOL. I personally hate debates but that is b/c I want CONTROL....what ever I say is final, no debate, end of discussion! Hmm. Guess we all have work to do.
I have found several times when I encounter people who initially seem rigid (aka scary, initimidating) to me that they are really very good, nice, caring people underneath. Hard crunchy outside, soft and gooey in the middle, LOL! But in order for me to find that out, I had to make the effort to get to know them and put aside my fear-based preconceived notions of who they were.
Well I'm glad I don't live down the hall from my friend but we have another social outing scheduled in a month or so.
I know learning all these tools in al anon has helped. Believe me I still have social problems and people problems I just don't find myself as overwhelmed by them anymore.
The less I try to control others, the more freedom I have from the stress and anxiety it causes....Sometimes I have to physically "throw up my hands" and say "HERE , God, YOU take this" and I can feel almost immediate release...
Its like my boss at work...I have grown enough in the program that I can realize and accept that he is going to be over controlling and I can DETACH, take care of me and if he (so far 2 days hes been real nice), but if this is going to be an abusive pattern with him, like the "challenge" of my standing up for me urges him on to be even MORE controlling or abusive, I will leave!!!! My HP does NOT want me in an arena where my ptsd is going to be tormented...Abuse triggers me...So, for back up, I am getting resumes out and turning it over....Meantime?? I do my job...MYOB....Do nothing to "attract" his negative and hope for the best....
You sound like progress, great going. I am proud of you and glad to see you still learning. I have always said, you should learn something new everyday so thank you for your share. I needed it.
Keep UP the Good Work :)
