The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Yep. I found myself saying that out loud this afternoon. I HATE MY LIFE!!! How sad is that? Very sad. Sure there are some positive things in my life but b/c of my son, I don't truly get to enjoy them. My daughter for instance. She is a major positive in my life. She is my little luv bug. But my life is so muddle w/dealing w/my son, that my luv bug time seems tainted and so full of stress. I feel like I cannot fully enjoy spending time w/my daughter b/c my son is always ranting and raving. Or I am running around jumping through hoops for him and this drug program he is in, all to help him with his addictions. I used to enjoy spending time w/my son but now all I get is grief from him 24/7 and therefore dread having to be around him at all. He can put a negative spin on anything and everything positive that is going on.
Horse back riding....oh how much fun that is...and stress relieving. But of course b/c of my son, I feel like I cannot get away to do that any more. I might snag a day here or there but never go on a weekender. I could make him go w/me on a weekender but then he would make me and everyone we are around miserable.
Exercising...the whole time I am working out, he is picking on my daughter, making her miserable. I cannot concentrate on exercising when I know he is terrorizing her. Not hurting her but picking. Constant picking. Last Friday night, his 1st night home from Juvie, he told my daughter there was a monster in the attic and at night, it was going to climb down the walls and eat her. She is now terrified to go anywhere in the house by herself. Nothing I have done has convinced her there are no monsters.
My son is supposed to be home right now until he gets a job or volunteer work set up. I have been calling all day w/no answer. Finally he answered @ 4:00 and claimed he was turning in job applications. I explained to him that I MUST know where he is and have a way to get in touch with him at all times. If the program officer is looking for him, he must be able to find him. Then he asked if I was going to take him to his karate class tonight. He has not been going regularly for a year now. I asked if he'd gotten the 2 chores done I asked him to do today (put the dishes away & clean his room). He said no. I told him I would not take him to class unless he had done his chores. Naturally he starts in on how I am not going to take him to do his "community service". I told him this was not community service. He said that it does count for his hours though. I simply said, "Then I suggest you get your chores done so you can go." He did not like that one bit. We shall see what he gets done. If it is not done, I won't take him. AND I will take the playstation and stereo he just got back on Friday away....lock it up in the shed where it has been for the last year.
I just hate the constant battle. Everything is an arguement. Everything is a battle to the death with him! UGGGHHH
((((QOD)))) Reading this I really, really, really feel bad about my mommy and how I made her life a living hell through my teen years. I gotta call her and apologize.
And also, work on the detachment part of your program. Remember that he is not going to change. But you can change and the way you react can change, and then MAYBE you'll see some different attitudes from your son. I'm sorry for what you are going through cause it sure seems annoying, to be honest. But keep working the program and things will be better.
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Self-pity in its early stages is as snug as a feather mattress. Only when it hardens does it become uncomfortable.
His antics and bad attitude must have a purpose. To drive you nuts, perhaps :)
What if you absolutely refused to let him get to you? At least outwardly. Do what you need to do discipline wise, but whistle or sing while you do it.
He doesn't do his chores? Hum a happy song while you lock his playstation in the shed. Laugh with your daughter. Ask her to exercise with you.
I just wonder after a few days of not having the "normal" affect on you if he would do anything differently.
My thinking is it's kind of like when a kid throws an all out fit. If you ignore it, after a while they look around and notice that no one is watching and stop.
I have no clue if it will work but if all his b*tching and moaning falls on deaf ears, who knows? I told one of my daughters once that if she is going to continually throw out negativity that my only recourse was to have a "happy shield" that I would throw out every time.. I know, it sounds corny, but it actually helped ME. It was my own little headgame of sorts to not let her see she was getting to me. The weird thing was, It actually worked for both of us. I got in the habit of having the happy shield up. She figured out her negativity was useless against me.
Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
I see total control given over to this toxic boy!!! I would LOVE my life if I had a good child..I would focus on me...program..steps...sponsor work...meetings AND make me healthier so I can take care of my "luv bug"...
If the focus is on me, I am not giving over my power to a negative...Only positives get my attention.....Breaking boundaries???? Take away priveledges/ perks with a detached attitude.....
to "hate one's life" is a very serious need for this program and the steps...What does your sponsor say to you when you say "I hate my life???".....
I know that life's EVENTS and PEOPLE can be unwanted/unhappy...But WE control how we feel and react to it......
Please, I hope U can get in the meets and do work w/sponsor and the steps.....
Coming from a person who truely wants a child, I must say that you are blessed to have both a daughter and son. Even though they may drive you crazy at times, you are truely lucky to be the mom of those two. I don't have experience being a mother, but I do have experience being a step mother and I wish they would not have grown up those step kids of mine. Those were some of the best days of my life with those little pesty brats.
Number one, this is my experience, I sure would not leave my daughter alone with him. What is happening is abuse. This is not natural brother sister fun.
The problem is when we take things away, it is negative attention.
What these kids need is rules. Direct rules,written down with consequences that you both come up with. He is needing some control in his life.
That way when they break a rule, you say ok what is the rule? What happens now that you decided?
I always said wow I sure would not have made that choice!
Chores,written down with what they earn when they do it, and a consequense when they don't.
When they make their bed,they get to have blankets and sheets, if not bye blankets and sheets.
When they don't slam their door,they get a door on their bedroom. Slam it, bye door.
They don't do dishes they get to eat on dinnerwear, if not get a new dog bowl for them to use. Sorta lightens it but gets the point across,and only give them a fork and serve soup....
It is best to say the positive first.
In your family meeting,ask him and daughter, what chores do you believe you can do for the family?
When you do your chores six out of seven days at least, what do you want to do on Friday?
Never allow them to not respect. Respect has to be taught.
I know you can do it. Welcome to parenthood! Teen years are very hard but also so vitally important.
If this does not work,send him to my sanctuary and I will get him a wild mustang to train and take care of.
Aloha QOD...and from me, "you don't have to do all or any of that stuff". If you do it then how is he responsible?. I know how to live the "hafta life style" letting others control my outcomes and emotions. I also learned I didn't have to and than I could practice taking back control of my own life." I like that a ton better.
I feel for you, I really do. But you've gotten a lot of good suggestions and ESH here. I especially like what Debilyn posted. By writing down the rules together and agreeing on them and the consequences, you each have something tangible to work from. It also sets those boundaries you both so desperately need very clearly. He needs them as much as you do - I think that's why he's acting out - by doing so, he's getting your attention, good or bad. I will be doing this myself as my 18yo son wants to move back home. I have told both him and my AH that we all 3 need to sit down and agree on the rules and get them in writing as I don't want them changed by anyone on a whim. We'll be doing that very soon, I think.
Oh yes, I know those days. I have them also, you see. They are days. They pass. Better days are on the horizon, I promise- take the longer view if you can and take care and be gentle with yourself and those around you. hugs, J.
