The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Not that I have a lot of experience in doing so, but it just feels weird. I keep thinking to myself what it will be like to never talk to EXABF again, or know what is going on in his life, etc.
I know it's all for the best, and deep down I know it will get easier.....it always does when we have no contact.....I move on and feel more at peace and off the merry go round, but it's still hard/strange after sharing so much with someone to know that it's just over, never to be again. When I look back at some of my behaviors over the past 6 mths I can not believe how close to insanity, true insanity that I left myself get over and over and over again-and I can't even tell you why right now, not today I can't. One day I'm sure I will be able to.
To know that that person is not the same person you fell in love with anymore, and that you don't even really know them anymore. To know that the one person who promised to always be there-wasn't. The one who swore this was "the ocean" bailed and ran at the first sign of trouble and then absolutely refused to discuss anything.
He did email me back last night, I told him I won't JADE anything anymore, that I know in my heart the truth.......the end. I am going to trust His will for me and get out of my own way......try the opposite of what I normally do:)
Just a long sad day......thanks for letting me share. shelly
__________________
Put down the magnifying glass and pick up the mirror!
"I know it's all for the best, and deep down I know it will get easier.....it always does when we have no contact.....I move on and feel more at peace and off the merry go round, but it's still hard/strange after sharing so much with someone to know that it's just over, never to be again. When I look back at some of my behaviors over the past 6 mths I can not believe how close to insanity, true insanity that I left myself get over and over and over again-and I can't even tell you why right now, not today I can't. One day I'm sure I will be able to.
To know that that person is not the same person you fell in love with anymore, and that you don't even really know them anymore. To know that the one person who promised to always be there-wasn't. The one who swore this was "the ocean" bailed and ran at the first sign of trouble and then absolutely refused to discuss anything."
OMG.... how are you reading my mind!?
It's tough for me too.... so many memories. I am (silly enough) realizing step one with more depth. I can't change him. Even though I have so many good memories with him. He is not the person I thought he was, or not the same person anymore. I keep on letting myself get hurt... your merry go round is like what I call my roller coaster....but my choice to get on the ride, right?
I just keep on hoping things will get better... but I am powerless over that happening. Time and time again, my hopes are crushed......but hopes for what?! Hopes that he will change, and be the man I thought I fell in love with? ... it hurts, and I ask myself am I just going to keep on hurting myself?
Is it over for me and my AH? I have a sinking feeling... yes I think it is. He is who he is, I can't change that. I can't be with the person he is now, he is all over the map.... relapse after relapse...sober and angry.... oh the roller coaster.
It's getting better for me, thanks to alanon, this board, and the alanon irc chat.
Take care of yourself Shelly... I know what you're going through, and it's a tough one.
I can understand. Its very sad when love and intimacy gets reduced to politeness and "games" But as you said yourself, you'll feel better. Take your time to grieve the lost of love, it is a great loss after all. But ask HP to guide you so that you know when its time to stop grieving and time to have a new beginning and be happy.
__________________
Self-pity in its early stages is as snug as a feather mattress. Only when it hardens does it become uncomfortable.
I call it 'loss of the dream'. It is devestating to feel as though your hopes and dreams with this individual have been destroyed. It's sad. The loss can feel paralyzing and consuming. My sponsor used to always tell me that I didn't need to decide on the ultimate fate of my relationship TODAY. It wasn't necessary. We always hope that that THIS time will be the time they REALLY get and stay sober, but the truth is that we don't get to pick their bottom or when they stop. This is the merry-go-round. We have a choice whether or not to remain our relationships with our A's. Sometimes it doesn't feel like we have a choice because of how strong our codependency and enmeshment is. I know that my love and attachment for my A always borders on obsessive and compulsive - especially when I am faced with the effects of alcoholism and how I continue to try to control a disease that only ends up controlling me.
I also try to remind myself that A's are not normal people. They are sick. They are consumed by their habit, which leads little room for them to function as a healthy member of society. So, why, then Heather do you continue to expect healthy behavior from a truly unhealthy and ill individual? I always ask myself this. I have abandonment issues, so everytime the drug or drink was chosen over me, I felt rejected and deeply, deeply paralyzed by this feeling. Keeping the focus on ourselves is not easy, by any means. Accepting that we can't control their recovery is painful. For me, I wanted him to become clean and sober and I wanted it NOW, so that we could be happy and be together. But we really have no control over their process.
SO sorry you are hurting - you are NOT alone. Keep coming back. I know I will - in fact I HAVE TO for my sanity.
The more time separates you from your exabf, the letting go will get easier and easier.
When you are in the bubble (relationship) it is sometimes hard to see clearly and be objective. The longer you are outside the bubble (relationship) it will become easier as evidenced by you admitting to yourself that you came close to true insanity. Is any relationship worth that? Not in my book.
You are going to be O.K. Shelly. Lean on your HP and the program, and you can't go wrong. You have closed that door. Now you can walk outside the bubble and into the sunshine. You deserve it.
Who knows Robert Redford's son might move next door to you tomorrow. Think positive. LOL
HUGS, RLC
-- Edited by RLC on Tuesday 26th of May 2009 04:24:34 PM
-- Edited by RLC on Tuesday 26th of May 2009 04:43:20 PM
Not that I have a lot of experience in doing so, but it just feels weird. I keep thinking to myself what it will be like to never talk to EXABF again, or know what is going on in his life, etc.
PEACE.....That is what it will be like.....Like pulling an infected tooth...It hurts at first..The dentist yanking it out, but OH the RELIEF when the bleeding stops and the healing begins...
I don't want to sound like a busted record, but I hope you have a good sponsor and books on the steps.....I see a serious need to look into your family of origin dynamics and see WHY you would pick someone like this when there are GOOD guys around...Ones that wont torture you.....Ones who actually respect themselves and give that respect to others...They are "out there"....If we , decent people are "out there", then so are THEY....
I had to do it (family of origin pain work) and I found out why I picked my alkies....It won't happen again, because I am over that need to punish me because of low self esteem and the "need for outside validation" when I have it within me from ME and my God...
I see a big need for a good sponsor...steps work....family of origin, dealing with the pain of the past so you can distance yourself from it......meetings.......and all the literature you can grab onto and PRACTICE while you work on your inner bonding with yourself.....WE were taught in many ways that we didn't deserve much..that we were "less then"....So we manifest it in our lives....What we THINK of ourselves....So we attract....
there are patterns you learned that caused you to get into and accept this toxic relationship.....
.After 5 years of recovery and doing the HARD work, I am no longer even attracting the losers and abusers....Like my boss at work....I "slam dunked" him in a professional and healthy way and kept my respect and dignity.......NOW he KNOWS not to mess with me....I think he realizes that I will walk if it keeps up and if it does keep up , it will be my Higher Power telling me its time to move.........
As to relationships..People don't mess with me...They know my boundaries are serious......I take good care of me...I make sure my needs are met.....I ASK when I need help....I GIVE when it is healthy and safe to...... I didn't do this w/o a lot of hard work and I still got the rest of my life to go learning learning learning.....But life is SO much better, because I AM BETTER.......the more I love and respect me, the more of that I attract to me.....
Instead of wasting your time thinking about HIM....Why not give thinking about YOU a try??? Do you really think he cares about you??? your needs??? your feelings???? If you don't care about you, noone else is going to..They, if they are healthy, are working THEIR program and yea, we can give ESH and support, but thats where it ends...Its up to you!!!
I hope that you can get into some serious program work and get the life your maker had soo hoped that you would have, but you have to REACH out and CLAIM it....It takes work, but arent' we all worth it?????
I hope you find the peace you need to get through this trial. It's through our trials that our faith is sharpened. I spent many nights crying from lonelyness and missing my A who I truely loved but could seperate the alcholic from the disease. I read Psalms 31 many a nights asking HP to take away the pain in my heart. Weaping may last a night but rejoyce comes in the morning.
I read Psalms 31 many a nights asking HP to take away the pain in my heart. Weaping may last a night but rejoyce comes in the morning.
Sincerely, Tonya
My faves are 23 and 91...There are others, too...but yea, I had to give to the Lord my burdens and he always has given me his lighter yoke.....There is no shame in crying/weeping, it is cleansing....I truly believe that it releases the pain, then after the tears, we can focus on the solution...the psalms are full of stories of pain and then great victory......AMEN!!!!
Don't forget one day at a time. You don't know what the future holds. For you or for him. No Contact is the best thing in the world for you. A drunk cannot hang out in a bar with his best drinking buddy and NOT get drunk.
But, a drunk cannot think about giving up alcohol "forever and ever". It is a choice they have to make daily.
That is exactly how it worked for me. If I thought that I had to do NC forever, I would lose my mind and end up contacting him. When I would take it ODAT....sometimes one hour at a time, I could let the feelings of grief and helplessness and anger wash over me and let them go.
You're doing great Shelly. Be very, very kind to yourself and remember to NOT go to an empty well for cookies (LOL! Hardware store for bread is so outdated because you can get everything at Walmart these days!!!)
