The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
First I just wanted to say THANK YOU to all that responded to my Ruined Memorial Day Weekend post. All great ESH!! Much appreciated.
So here is how my weekend panned out. The probation officer told my son that he had a choice to make. He could get out of Juvie on Friday BUT he had to go w/me to the beach on Sunday. If he refused to do that, he was going to have to stay locked up until Tuesday. He agreed to the beach. This wasn't exactly good news. I knew exactly how that beach day was going to go down.
Friday I got off of work a couple of hours early. I ran to Home Depot and picked up my plants before picking my daughter up from the sitter. Then we went & picked up my son. My daughter is incredible. She is so patient. All the things she has to sit through b/c of her brother, most kids would act out terribly. She gets a bit ansy but for the most part sits quietly and waits. Checking my son out of Juvie took about 45 minutes.
After we got home that night, I threw dinner together, a hodge podge of stuff. Then my daughter & I went outside & planted our plants. The program officer came by to drug test my son, search his room and lay down the rules to house arrest for the weekend. After that, my son asked if he could have his Playstation & stereo back. Trying to keep things as easy going as possible, I agreed. His Playstation wasn't working right when I took it from him last fall. And it was still messed up when he got it Friday night. He got pissed. Punched the arm to my couch, hurt his hand AGAIN, screamed and cried and blamed me for the game system not working. I did NOT feed into it. And I refused to take him to Patient First for his hand AGAIN. I told him that I am not taking him to have his hand X-rayed every time he decides to lose his temper & punch something. (He punched the walls @ Juvie just about every week so his hand doesn't have the chance to heal). Boy he was mad @ me over that one. I just ignored him.
Saturday we did some running around. I got special permission from the probation officer to run my errands but I had to take my son w/me. After I was done w/my errands, I ran around & let him get job applications from places that were near the house. This took forever but he has to get a job and so I helped him get the applications. By Saturday night, he was grumbling about having to go to the beach on Sunday. I ignored it as best as I could.
Sunday we headed to the beach. I woke up that morning to clouds and cool weather with 50% chance of thunderstorms through out the day. I didn't let that stop me. We drove 2 hours to the beach, he grumbled the whole time and kept changing my radio station to HIS liking...oh it was a miserable trip. We get there, still cloudy and very chilly. The water was freezing but my daughter and I still got it it whenever we had to (there were no public bathrooms near). My son of course REFUSED to get in and therefore complained about having to go to the bathroom the whole time. He criticized my iPod music playing, whined about the sand and the smell of the sunblock he reluctantly put on. Finally after 3 hours it was time for me to feed the parking meter or leave. I couldn't take any more so we left. The drive home was equally miserable as the trip to.
Monday we had a 2 hour meeting w/the program officer. Once again, my daughter sat patiently, writing and drawing on some paper she took w/her. On the way home, my son actually had the nerve to ask me to stop & buy fast food for lunch!! I am like, no way. I am broke. I spent $40 Sundy to go to the beach & have a miserable time b/c of you and I have no more money. When we got home, he of course complained b/c there wasn't anything to eat @ home that was to his liking. BLAH!!!! He is a miserable whining angry little pain in the butt to be around. When he is getting his way, he is all chipper. But as soon as things don't go his way, he has to make everyone else miserable. Ignoring him is not always an option....I try believe me.
So that was the weekend. I tried to make the best out of it. But it was a flop and my efforts to salvage what I could did nothing but leave me emotionally and physically drained.
Dear Friend, not meaning to sound harsh here but who is the parent and who is the child. I think it is time to take control back from your son. You are allowing him to make your life miserable.
Please understand, I also have a teenage son, my son can get angry as well...however he knows that he will pay....I have taken his dirt bike, which he loves....there are ways to take control...just take it....also I have sat down and just talked to zach my son, this seemed to be the best approach for us...it took many many talks...he too was angry for months we lived in misery while he took his fits of rage....now we seem to have peace.
You said, you gave him his stereo and play station back, what did he do to deserve this????
You said, he moans, groans about everything....you need to tell him to grow the hell up already....
I hope you understand that this is from the heart...I have been there....I use to ignore, and give in as well it seemed here that just made things worse...so one day I just told him I had enough...I will not live like this any more...I took control back...
Try and stay strong and hold your ground..it is the only thing that worked for me.....
I may not have read all of the posts previously, but one thing I didn't get was... why couldn't you just leave him in jail for the weekend? Why was it his choice, and not yours?
A long, long time ago I planned a trip to Florida with my then-family. We saved up and planned for many months. Three days before we were to leave, my A daughter (then 14) did her thing - which was to vanish. While we kicked around what to do - go, cancel, whatever - the clock ticked. With still one day to go, she resurfaced, claiming she had been "sick" at a friend's house. My wife was all oh poor baby, too sick to even pick up the phone (was her friend equally incapacitated?). When we picked her up, she was sick alright - wasted out of her gourd. Barely conscious. But neither she nor her mom wanted to take her to the doc, or hospital and lo and behold, next morning she wasn't sick anymore.
So we made the drive to Florida. Overall it was a good time. Did all the stuff we wanted to do.
Night before we were to leave to go back home... daughter vanishes. This time in a strange town, 1000+ miles from home. This time, not going wasn't really an option. Even my wife knew we had to get home, the other kids had to get back to school, we had to get back to work. We made up our minds to just go, and when we heard from her, we'd wire her bus fare to get home. Ended up being a moot point, she showed up about 6:00 am and made the trip home with us.
Now that daughter is not only not 14, she's almost 14 years sober, and HER daughter just turned 15... the Drama Goddess. And she has been in jail most of the month... for little stuff. Mainly because she keeps disappearing. Some of the issues are different. Perhaps some are the same. My ex, and my other daughter think this is too strict but... you know, survival is a good thing. Jail may not be fun, but it's safer than the street. And if parents lose their jobs chasing after kids, that is of no benefit to the kids either.
I think many of us distrust the system. With good reason. But there are times the system can work for us IF we don't treat the police, the courts (juvenile or otherwise), probation officers, etc. as the enemy. My ex-wife sided with her daughter in every conflict, such that if the court dished out a punishment to daughter, they were punishing mom too. There were tools available - perhaps unpleasant - but they were available. Thankfully, my now-sober daughter is more than willing to use them. I am concerned with her more than my granddaughter - the DGGD is going to do her thing, and she's in God's hands. Her mom is coping, and hopefully getting some peace of mind here and there.
