The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
At this time in my life, where I am separated from my aH and making changes in my life I am finding that I am in need of new friendships.
I work fulltime. Sit on a board of directors. I'm active in my community and do committee work and fundraising work. What I am realizing is that I really suck at making friends. (I think it's that control thing again!) I don't like to be vulnerable and therefore, I take on what feels best to me- being the leadership role. I find that I have a hard time relating and reaching out to people.
In program, there again, I have yet to "make friends". The idea of going to open meetings interests me a lot as I see great learning experiences awaiting at those meetings. I would never go alone. I am actually very very shy and insecure and the ambiguity of making small talk and "relating" scares the bejeesus out of me. In f2f meetings, I enjoy the structure and predictability. I can hold my part to listen when required, to share when required. But in the randomness of an "open" meeting, my temptation would be to be a wall flower with my arms crossed (my hedge of protection) and just "watch" and hope that someone would come talk to me and I'd have something intelligent to say! lol
Which brings me full circle to...I suck at making friends! I have a handful of really great friends spread across my province that i know and relate to very very well, and vice versa. But locally, I really have NONE that I would consider quality friendships. I think my opportunities lie within the 4 walls of the f2f meeting that I attend, as the people there can truly relate to my experiences at present.
For me, that's where the traditions come in. As I work the steps on myself, I work the traditions on others. How I improve my world is by taking the view of my world the way the traditions suggest: with love, detachment, and acceptance.
Me too, sigh. I can do acquaintanceships, but friendship seems to be mostly beyond me. I asked a similar question a while ago, and one good idea that came out of that was: ask for help with something. (Scary thought, isn't it?) Asking for help partially breaks down that perceived "invincible superwoman barrier", and then while you're doing the task, whatever it is, you have the chance to chat, and maybe connect, or maybe not.
If you like shopping, you can ask someone to go with you to the shoe store/ iris sale/ farmer's market. (I generally hate shopping, but you get the idea.)
And definitely be on/attend program committees, workshops, that kind of thing within program. I think it actually takes longer in program, because EVERYbody is cautious about vulnerability. Hm... not true, I've seen others make fast friendships in meetings. I always feel jealous.
One of my best friendships in college grew out of asking another girl if she'd like to go for coffee after class. Another grew out of being a part of a performance group. Sigh. I'm having to go way far back here. Call people. I never have gotten used to doing that. I'm anxious to see what people have to say too!
*** Oh yeah. DRIVE people to those open meetings. In your regular meeting, say to an acquaintance, "I'm going to go to the anniversary meeting at ....... and it would be really fun to get a carload together, wanna come?"
-- Edited by thinkstoomuch on Tuesday 26th of May 2009 07:41:19 AM
You know I hear what you're saying but think of it like a band aid. It hurts but if you do it fast, it's not so bad. You will have to put yourself out there, open up, introduce yourself... but it's quick. I used to hate introducing myself but once you do, it's over & there you have met somebody. I guess for me, I would approach someone if I had a burning desire to speak t them directly or if they mentioned an activity that I liked too, then you know you have something in common to expound upon. In the same token, you could walk right up to someone & say, "do you like rock climbing" or whatever it is that you're into. Activities can bring folks together that might normally be friends.
I do think it's hard to maintain frienships as an adult, as people move away & their lives change but striking up a conversation, meeting people - I dont think is that hard, you just have to try, talk, open up. You may be very pleasantly surprised.
My mother is a master at talking to anyone, in the grocery store, she will strike up a conversation - in depth too. It doesnt typically end in, 'hey this talk is great, let's continue it' but I'm sure iof she said that, they would ablige her. She smiles a lot too & that good energy coming off of her, I know is very very appealing.
If you're really scared/uncomfortable... write some words down to rehearse & even practise in front of your mirror - it really really helps. Then just go for it & be yourself. I think most people really appreciate genuine people and I know for experience, they get strength when you are vulnerable, so dont be afraid. In zen, they say the one who is vulnerable cannot be defeatted - food for thought maybe *winks*
People love compliments too, it's a great ice breaker & it helps them feel at ease. Good luck & keep us posted!
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
I think this is a problem for most of us. I had no friends for a very long time and now I have a bunch. I made them several ways. One I met a work and kept asking her to go do something all the time. Two I met at a bar singing karaoke and just put out my hand and said hi my name is.... and you are??? and after much good discussion I asked for their numbers and then used them the next weekend. Now we go out together all the time. Another I met at the same bar on new year's eve she was talking to a guy who was a friend of a guy I knew and said she didn't know anyone here.... so I got her number and made it a point to call her and ask her out regularly. We are great friends now. My boyfriend I met at a karaoke competition so I'd say doing something you love and just talking to other people who are there. It's hard to get up the courage to do it but usually when you don't people mistake you for being a snob or thinking you're too good for them. When you do, people generally respond in the same way that you talk to them. I always find that complimenting something about someone is a great way to start off. I love that purse... where did you get those shoes??? etc....
something I have noticed about myself is that I can make that initial introduction, but then I feel like I have nothing left to offer and the conversation winds down and I'm left alone. Someone mentioned to me once to come prepared with a list of questions and conversation points about current events and interests. Reading the newspaper or magazines, news, etc can help with that. It's like a little homework and all the sudden you can insert yourself into a conversation because you actually know what is going on and feel like you have something to contribute, or you can keep a conversation going when normally you might let it die and then decide you're done and go home. This made me realize that I need to work on this a little more too because I am terrible at going out of my way to make friends. But making changes in my life leaves me with few friends that have the same frame of mind. Good luck!!!
I think I always merged, was inappropriate and took everything way too personally. I am more amenable now but I am also very short on time. I also find that after a while I don't necessarily have as much in common with people as I'd like. Before I had being a victim in common with others.
