The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
i've been thinking about control...my addiction to it. I like things my way. Predictable. I like being in charge. I like being the leader. Im not a good follower. this I know about myself. and I am consciously working on this.
what I don't know is how to draw the line. or where to draw the line. how to let go of something that i think I want sooooo badly ...my marriage.
how to let go of my aH, entirely, cut the strings, cut my emotional attachment and move on with my life, without looking back, knowing that what I want, is not what is.
this is where I get messed up with confusion and so comes my insanity. I find myself jabbing and hooking and acting crazy if I have to, to try and stimulate some sort of response from him that favours my agenda....my agenda that one day i'll have that marriage I wanted. that maybe one day he'll see the light. the obsessiveness, almost like a compulsion to find just the right thing to say that might make him do what I want.... and I never ever ever win. I never get the response I want from him. Infact I end up getting more to dwell about. Naturally you'd think I'd stop trying. Hasn't happened yet.
I sincerely don't know how to let it go. I wanted so badly for my life/family to not turn out this way ... how do you let it all go? and watch your child cry for his Daddy and the life we used to have? and feel the raw emotion of accepting your reality?
I dunno Rora... for me, and I was a world champion in NOT ever wanting to give up control.... it was accepting the realization that it truly WAS a facade, and it was pretty clear to me (and your story sounds eerily similar) that the attempts to control were NOT working, and were making me ill....
My sponsor used to smile and say (tongue in cheek) "and how's that working for you thus far?" when I would tell him for the billionth time about my A, and what she was or was not doing, etc., etc....
After awhile, I guess it was also the realization that Step One was really empowering, and not a "loss of power" that I had seen it as previously... Truth be told, we never had that power (only the illusion of the power), and so it was very freeing to figure out that not only could I not control my A, but I also wasn't responsible for her!
As for the kids - again - took some time, but I learned to soften their tears with the only thing that I could (totally honestly) tell them, when they would ask why Mommy wasn't coming home, or why Mommy would drink so much..... I would hold them, and tell them that I love them, and that they are safe..... it's all I really could count on. Once I stopped trying to answer for their mother's relationship with them, it defaulted back to her to deal with it.... To her credit, she's done a good job of dealing with that relationship, and is back to being a good, sober Mom for them....
It's not perfect, but it IS okay....
Take care T
__________________
"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
I had to be in control because I had no belief in a Higher Power and thus if I was not in "control" I FREAKED!!! I was terrified my life would go to hell....I developed a compulsive need to be in control, even if it was raging over events I could do nothing about
I worked steps 1,2,3 extensively...I mean I "acted as if" I believed in an HP and finally it WORKED.....I found myself "making friends" with the 1st three steps...It was like "WOW!! don't have to fight this anymore"...I CAN give it over...I CAN detach..I CAN let go....
What I do is ...OK...Do my life...Live my life the best way I can...Deal with life's events, good or bad.....WHEN the "NON peace" feelings come up??? That is my sign that I may be in territory where I need to surrender.....If I feel like I am banging my head against a brick wall??? SURRENDER it......If I feel the "crazies" coming on???? SURRENDER it.......If it is not in my immediate power, If it is not doable under my power??? SURRENDER it....
I can ONLY take care of ME....I can only change ME....I can only work on ME and MY program......What is outside of my skin?? chances are I need to Let go---Let God---Or at the very least look to HP for guidence and making my path straight...
Life is so much easier when I refuse to fight the karma, but just accept the facts and give the "un-doable under my power" to HP.....ALSO I can tell if my will is in conflict w/HP...I feel that "not so peaceful" feeling inside of me.....TIME to "get with" my HP and get back into balance
I hope this helped.....Rosie
PS.....The need for control is mostly fear based....We are afraid that things will go tohell if we are not on the "controls"....Not so....My will caused me to get sick.....
I finally faced the fact that my plans rarely came out & my attempts to control other people weren't effective either. I had to accept that I (seriously) could only control me & give up entirely on manipulating or influencing others. Now I ask directly for what I want from others.
As far as how do you help your child cope, when he is missing his dad -- I would do my best to validate the child's feelings, saying, "I know you feel sad & miss your father" so that he can identify his own feelings, maybe at that moment you willl be missing him too & you can commiserate. Have him express his feelings, maybe say a prayer aloud together & then change the subject, do something pleasant together - in the moment. Dwelling on the past, never makes any of us feel better & the future is not here yet... finding ways to connect in the now is a coping skill that you can practise & manifest with your child.
I could not simply stop doing one thing - it didnt work with me - but I could replace that behavior... so if I was obsessing about how to influence/manipulate someone else & I'd catch myself, I'd immediately -- re-focus on me, someone I can control completely. After practising, only working on me, it got a lil easier. When I slip, I get right back to what will empower me & I can assure, being frustrated, helpless & out of control focusing on others was a living nightmare. What a relief to mind my own business & get busy with me. It's not easy & takes practise but it gets easier & the end is freedom... I no longer obsess & I thought it would never stop for me.
__________________
Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
how to let go of my aH, entirely, cut the strings, cut my emotional attachment and move on with my life, without looking back, knowing that what I want, is not what is.
I sincerely don't know how to let it go. I wanted so badly for my life/family to not turn out this way ... how do you let it all go? and watch your child cry for his Daddy and the life we used to have? and feel the raw emotion of accepting your reality?
(((((Rora))))),
You said it all for me. My AHSober just screamed at me why don't you let go of the relationship? I never wanted it to be like this. My kids are grown. They have parents in two different houses. I liked the life we used to have. Raw emotion is so true. It is painful.
So what I have done so far is act as if. I make attempts to move on. I do things with friends and family. I ask for help from friends and family. I try to work the program with my meetings, readings, and my sponsor. I think that Canadian Guy said it best. Back to the steps. I hope for you and I take we truly let go and let God and find peace and happiness.
Tom hit the nail on the head. It all goes back to Step 1. I use it all the time in my everyday life, be it at work or dealing with friends and family. By addmitting we are powerless over whatever, we are actually gaining back our control. It sounds counterproductive, but it isn't. There are certain people and circumstances that I can't control. However I can control my reaction to them. By setting something or someone free that really wasn't ours to begin with, we gain freedom and control over the rest of our lives.
Melodie Beattie has some great books on letting go, along with the other ones suggested here. A sponsor once told me that it's not enough just to work the steps. You have to live them. I try and live life on life's terms, not what I think it should be. Otherwise I'm just waisting my time. Life is too short to do that. Love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
__________________
It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
Oh Rora- I could have written you words. I SO get the 'trying to pick the right combination of words to make him see the light'. I have spent hours, days, months, years doing the same thing. It is exhausting. I STILL try. I thought if I made him see how wonderful life could be if only he stayed clean and sober - how amazing a life we could have TOGETHER, he would surely "Get it" and we could have the life I dreamed of. Alot of the loss I experience because of this disease is 'loss of the dream'. Do I accept that a fulfilling relationship may include alcoholism and addiction and I may never be able to fully trust my significant other? It took me a long time to work out many of the things you speak about. Learning to let go of my agenda, of my picture perfect hopes and dreams that I so badly am trying to force. For me, it comes down to me wanting him to choose recovery on my time - before it's too late and I've had enough? I'm not quite sure, but I sure know that I want him to "Get it" according to my schedule. So I try to force the outcome, force the bottom. This is manipulating and therefore I am still attempting to exercise my will and control, where I truly am powerless.
Over the weekend I was at a workshop and the leader had us make three columns - the first was 'list a people/place/thing over which you trying to exert control'. The next column was 'ways in which you have attempted to control this person/place/thing' The last column was twofold- what did you THINK the outcome out be - and what the reality/true outcome was or has been? This was a pretty big eye opener for me and an exercise I highly recommend if you're having trouble accepting powerlessness.
Accepting for me, means accepting that he may not get well in the time frame I would like. I need to learn to take care of myself and I had been putting my relationship and my dreams of it before my own well being for sometime. Someone once told me that we teach others how to treat us. In this respect, I had put up with so much emotional abuse from his that I began to believe that I deserved it but, I also thought that the crumbs of affection and attention I was getting was NORMAL. We truly, truly become as ill as our A's, if not more.
You're not alone. I am presently struggling with control and all its facets. To simply stand there - and just BE and not DO is quite a challenge for me. I want to always make life easier for my A. I want to DO many, many things for him so he is not so overwhelmed that he uses/drinks.
Detaching is terribly hard at first I have had to practice practice and then practice some more. The more I practice the less room there is to beat myself up for not practising.
