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I have really been struggling with this lately. So maybe a few of you can weigh in on how you deal in situations like these.
I know my AH is using. But, it is really hard for me to tell that he is high. He lies and pretends like everything is normal. I'm supposed to be the crazy one for thinking anything. In alanon, I understand we are not supposed to address it with the addict. And we are supposed to continue like things are fine. But how do I handle this emotionally hindered being and keep my sanity and safety around the kids? For a long time, I thought he was not using. Then he almost OD'd and I realized that his drug use had gotten way out of control and I must have been in denial about it all.
So at this point, I want to get myself independent enough to take the kids and leave. But in the meanwhile, he cannot be left alone with the kids. And I cannot believe whatever comes out of his mouth. And so my boundaries with this probably also make it seem like i treat him like crap. But if I believe what he says, that he is not using and trust what he says then I am supposed to believe he is fine and that I should not worry about leaving him with the kids or trying to get myself and the kids out of this situation... and we can joke and have fun. And when we joke and have fun I forget that he is using or that anything is wrong.
I'm sure some of you have dealt with the same stuff. How did you handle it?
Aloha Char...We all start somewhere and you are here now. Making your life over is going to take time and effort and you have support from hundreds who have been or are in your shoes right now. For me I reached out for help and let others guide me cause I had no idea how in the hell I got into my mess, survived it while in it or how to get out of it. There were thousands of suggestions that I could choose from and I was grateful for that.
Trusting the alcoholic. I learned a qualified trust...I only trusted her for what she was capable of in support. I also trusted that she would drink and use even if and when I didn't know. That was what always happened and I trusted that it would be the same if she didn't change and would be different as I changed.
Courage to change the things I could. I had to stop the fearful stuff that I would never survive making necessary changes and just make some with the suggestions I was hearing and know that different outcomes didn't and wouldn't be perfect.
Setting boundaries were mostly for myself. I had to stop me from doing the same things over and over again expecting different results.
You didn't get into the place you are overnight. You won't get out overnight and sometimes we see the miracles long after they happen.
I think one of the priorities would be my children in this case, pretending nothing is going on is very damaging for children, I know this because I was once that child, and its just awful, I also wish people had not expectef me to be responsible or left me with my mother when drunk, one of my tasks was to collect her from the pub when I was about 9 and bring her home before my father got home from work,this involved walking a mile and half home form school and then have to go back down to the village again and then home again, all with no food, I had older brothers at home, and cant remember them doing this, because I acted as the adult in the situation, it was grim and I grew up way too fast, if you need to leave the children with him, let them know whats going on, or taking counsel on this, an adult situation is very different and I deal with ex a who lives with me an awful lot differently since this board, I also do not worry if he's not home or if he gets caught on the right, however, I have been straight about it all to my son, who is fifteen, I do not pretend he is not in the pub etc, I have not come across any alanon literature anywhere that suggests that children need to be left with an active a, I do think it expresses detachment which is really putting the focus on you and your needs, e.g, your need to have your children properly cared for so you are not worried out of your mind, this is a valid need. I hope you know I wish the best through all this confusion and you do the best for you and yours,
Detachment and denial are not the same thing. Detaching is a calculated willingness not to be over invovled. That does't mean you stop taking care of yourself. Personally I don't think it is "crazy" to set firm boundaries with an alcoholic. We can set firm boundaries with lots of people. I spent my entire life trying to fix those around me. I ended up exhausted. Now I have compassion but I am more willing to let go.
For me, so much of my disease was fueled by the "Is he or isn't he?" debacle. I was my own worse enemy with regards to the drug usage -- I googled symptoms of drug use and then polluted my mind with a ton of scientific info that only made me crazier.
My A was also a very, very heavy drug user and while I think that lying and manipulating is inherent of all A's - alcoholics or addicts, I have found that with regards to drug use, there is an element of urgent NEED due to the physical illness that some drugs cause when usage is not constant. Making you feel like you are the crazy one is an aspect of their disease. When they do this, we have to stand our ground and remind ourselves that it is their illness' job to do whatever it possibly can NOT to make us think they are as sick as they are.
You're not alone. I completely understand what you are going through and hope that you will learn to take care of you and your children.
