The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
So I am new to this forum, but I need some advice or at least some help with coping.
I have been with my ABF for about a year. When I started dating him, he had been in recovery for over a year. He was kind, hilariously funny, and one of the smartest people i'd ever met.
about 2 months ago, he relapsed. I didn't even know what hit me- he changed practically over night. He dropped out of college, got kicked out of his house, and even changed his attitude towards me. I have been dealing with his insanity for the past few months, and its like i'm dealing with a stranger.
Sometimes when he is sober, i see the "real" man I love. This is so confusing to me, because it makes me change my mind about leaving him. I'm also afraid that if I leave him, he will end up homeless or even dead, because I support him financially and such.
Last night, the insanity got so intense: He called me about 20 times between 3am and 4am from a random phone number, and everytime i answered he wouldn't tell me where he was. He just kept crying and whining and saying "i dont know what to do, i'm just gonna sleep here... help me" it was a CRAZY mind manipulation for me, because he's been homeless before and I can't stand the thought of him being on the street. We live in NY and its so dangerous out there. He KNOWS that i would never let him go hungry or cold, and he's using me hardcore to get what he wants. But at the same time, if i don't give him what he wants, i'm afraid that he will end up dead.
He always says "I really want to see you, baby... i love you" when he wants something, and this hurts me so much because all i've ever wanted in life is to be loved and wanted... but i know he is just saying those things to manipulate me, and it drives me insane and hurts to the point of tears.
I don't know what to do... there's an al-anon meeting in my neighborhood on tuesday nights, but i work at that time... and i'm afraid to go alone.
Take one Tuesday night off of your job and get to that Al-anon meeting. Call in sick if you have to. Go check it out.
I have been in a similar situation that you describe yourself in. We have no control over anyone but ourselves. There is nothing you can do and there is nothing you cannot do that will be helpful to him. He is an alcoholic whether he is sober or not, in recovery or not. There are 3 C's in al-anon- we cannot Cause anyone to drink (or NOT to drink). We cannot Cure anyone of alcoholism and we cannot Control the alcoholic or alcoholism or alcoholic behavior. There is a 4th C that I have heard of: we can Contribute to the problem by not getting our OWN recovery in place via al-anon. I know the pain of being lied to and manipulated. That is the disease of alcoholism talking.
Why do you support him financially? Why can't he support himself? Why would you want to be with someone who cannot support themselves and take care of themselves?
Keep coming back and seriously consider Tuesday night to be the night for YOU and your al-anon group which will help you tremendously in this situation you are in with this alcoholic if you keep sticking with it- work schedules and shifts can sometimes be changed and adjusted. Best of luck and keep reading and posting here! hugs, J.
We have a saying: Nothing changes, if nothing changes. You will have to be the one to change things up because he obviously isn't going to. You must remember that you are talking about a grown man here. He will figure something out if he isn't able to manipulate you, and that is what he is doing.
You may either choose to continue on this rollercoaster ride or step off and protect yourself. You cannot save him from himself. He knows you will come to the rescue so their is no reason to stop his antics. The reality is that when we rescue them, all we are doing is allowing them to continue to kill themselves. An alcoholic needs to hit bottom and he can't do that if you are consistently putting a pillow under his butt for a soft landing. It does much more harm then good. These acts of codependency and feeling responsible is our disease. We often don't see the harm we are causing ourselves, let alone the alcoholic. You have CHOICES.
There are online meetings here 2x a day (link on upper left of page) if you absolutely cannot get to your local meeting, I strongly suggest you try. You need the support and strength to do what needs to be done.
You don't have to do this alone.
Keep coming back, Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
I don't know what to do... there's an al-anon meeting in my neighborhood on tuesday nights, but i work at that time... and i'm afraid to go alone.
Hi, and welcome.
I really hope you make it to the meeting. I understand your fear, it was a huge thing for me to walk into a room of 'strangers'....I was sick with apprehension but I was also sick sick sick of alcoholism..... I knew if I walked away from that door I was walking straight back to the insanity of this awful disease. I needed Experience, Strength and Hope
The best thing I ever did, for me, was open that door....I am no longer alone.
Try to summon the courage to go. What might seem like strangers before you go will turn out to be the most undertanding, empathic, and supportive friends. You will not feel alone, you will feel welcome.
This was a very heart aching post to read. I hear worry and compassion in your voice.
Only he and he alone is responsible for his situation. You cannot be expected to bail him out each and every time he hits rock bottom. He also sounds dangerous to me(were you are concerned).
Go to the Al=Anon meeting even if you have to call in sick; or perhaps miss a couple of hours work. Perhaps change your phone number, or go stay with a friend for a few days.
Do not be available to him.
Keep coming back here. There are lot of people that care about your well being.
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Clara
------------------------------------ What don't kill you, makes you stronger!!!
I don't know what to do... there's an al-anon meeting in my neighborhood on tuesday nights, but i work at that time... and i'm afraid to go alone.
I read your post yesterday and wanted to think b4 I responded.....
the ONLY thing you can do is drag yourself into this program...Work the steps..Get a good sponsor...FIND a meeting place or on line and GO!!! I go sometimes 4 days a week.....Get literature on noted recovery writers...Beattie, Melody, Bradshaw, to name a few
and work it so you can get BACK the self esteem that your maker had given you when you were born so you can SEE that you DESERVE better than this self destructive man....
If he wants to die?? There is nothing you can do but fall with him if you so choose....Which is it for you??? LIFE with healthy abundance??? OR the slow death and loss that he is offering????
I know...I didn't think I deserved any more than what just "flew my way".....NOW, I know diferent!!! If they are an active abuser of ANY substance...Drugs?? Forget it!! If it is not a perscribed med for legit illness?? FORGET IT!! Abuse of alcohol?? FORGET IT!!!
I now LOVE me...RESPECT me...And I wil wait for what I deserve!!! No abusers...NO adulterers....No druggies...No alkies.....the suffering they offer, I am not interested....It took serious program/recovery work for me to come to this point that MY God of MY understanding made me with his absolute love and has a GOOD plan for me, but I must do the work and reach out for that good plan...Not suffocate it with the darkness of alcoholism/ abuse/ drugging and any other toxic behaviour
This guy made his OWN bed...the best thing you can do for you and for him is let him lay in it....MAYBE his pain will get bad enough to force him into recovery...MAYBE!!!!! Either way, it is not your problem....LOVE YOURSELF....and if you don't this program will SHOW YOU how to LOVE YOURSELF.....I am living proof that this wonderful program works, but you must WORK IT......the solution is HERE....The problem was THERE!!!! Which do you really really want????? The choice is yours.....
yesterday, I cut myself off from him. It's taking so much for me not to answer his calls and not to worry about him, but i feel SO FREE already. I am praying for him; that's pretty much the only thing i have left to do... but this experience has changed me so much. I feel a little bit broken, and I never want to deal with this type of relationship again, because I don't deserve it.
When the ex A called me compulsively I shut my phone off. I did not deal with it anymore. I took a long long long time to get there. For some A's they have to be "cold and hungry" to want recovery. I also have more love for myself these days and won't entertain someone bombarding me but I did for years.
You are absolutely in the right place being here. No one here is going to tell you what to do. We all have our own parth. Nevertheless there are many many tools that can help. Get a hold of the book Getting them Sober. That will be a great find for you.
