The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I have been thinking a lot yesterday and today about moving back with my A.
My motive to go back would be for financial support. He wont give me any money while I am not there and with the horrible economy I need some help. I thought once I packed everything and left the county would help, but they wont even give me enough money to get a small cheap apartment. They will only give me like $200 a month. Which is fine Im not trying to talk bad about them, I am sure others are in much more need of money than me.
I am not going back to make things work between us, but I am not going to sit and argue with him. It takes 2 to fight and I wont take the invitation. Im a bit worried because I do love him, but I think I have been very good at detaching from him slowly lately, but I see progress.
We was hardly there before and it was pretty much my apartment anyways. I just can't stand to live with my sister. She just had a baby a month ago and she is really in need of ACOA and Alanon, I brought it up to her once and she wasn't interested so I dropped it. She can't afford her bills her and now that I am here I realize she let me come thinking some how I could pull money out of my ass to pay her bills for her...well why would I do that if I can't pay my own bills? My cell phone was shut off yesterday because I have no money.
She is constantly enabling my mother and brother who are A's. I just let it go but it's hard to live with her in a 2 bedroom apartment. Me and my kids have one room with all her baby stuff in it. My back is killing me from sleeping on the pad on the floor. She is constantly on my kids about messing with her stuff. I am not trying to judge her I know it's for me to judge others, but I really can't live with her.
And I know many people will judge me if I go back (im sure no one on here will) but all my stuff is in my friends garage and she already told me if I went back she wouldn't give me my stuff...well I am certain she will but she probably wont let me use her truck or trailer to get it out.
He keeps asking me to come back since he knows I can't afford to live on my own right now. I feel in a way if I go back it's making things convenient for him. He can just go there and see our son whenever he wants. I know that is bothering him right now that he can't and he is constantly calling me to see where we are; well where his son is and he usually doens't like the people Im around. Not that I care if he likes who I am with or not, but in a way I feel if I go back he sort of wins. So I try to turn it around and see how much I will benefit and I will financially. His A behavior was one thing I wanted to get away from, but even though my sister isn't an A she acts quite a bit like him.
I do love him; so at times I think it would be hard for me to be there. But he has been sleeping around and is far in his diseases. I have been doing lots of reading and I KNOW he will not change any time soon and I can accept that he may never change at all. That is his choice and not mine. I know he will continually need more people to enable him and more of whatever to fufill his addictions.
I think one reason he doesn't want to be with me anymore is because of Alanon. Since I started here and detaching and not worrying about him ALL the time like I used to he can see it and doesn't like it Im sure that's why he found others to do this for him. Which I am fine with because I know the 3 c's and can accept it.
He isn't violent at all. I plan on writing a list of boundaries and sharing them with him before I decide to go back 100 percent. But then I think what is my motive for sharing boundaries with him? Will it even do me any good? Will he even respect them? If he says he does I know I can't have expectations of him only of myself.
I guess I just know I can't stand living with my sister or mother there are constantly at home and I am always having to deal with them. I guess my motive for leaving was in hopes I could get financial help for county resources which is not what happened and is not going to happen. I thought I could get into an apartment without having to wait on the waiting list, but I have a roof over my head so they don't consider me more important than the others waiting. Which I can understand now.
Thoughts? ESH?
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"Live in such a way that you would not be ashamed to sell your parrot to the town gossip." Will Rogers
I can certainly understand about the financial issue. I went back to the ex A a number of times. Leaving is very very difficult. I'm not sure what you plan to do about the economy but getting more skills and focusing on a job search might help. I also think its good to have a plan be in mind. Just my two cents.
I have been job searching and I have 8 classes left till I am done with school. Im guessing I should be done in about a year. But I do plan to get a job even if it's at the grocery store down the road for some income of my own.
I don't plan to go back there and stay for good unless he choses to leave. It's a nice big apartment, free cable, water, heat, garbage and rent is only 550 a month which is pretty good in this area. It's a nice neighborhood; I went to school there when I was younger and I would like my daughter to continue going to school there she is just finishing up kindergarten.
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"Live in such a way that you would not be ashamed to sell your parrot to the town gossip." Will Rogers
Having to be on your own is very very hard. I agree with Maresie, try and find a job or some sort of income. That really helped me when I had to leave. And also, really setting boundaries to an alcoholic is useless. Set boundaries for YOURSELF. So you know what you can and cannot deal with. Remember detachment and walking away. I hope it all goes well sweetie, and keep coming back.
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Self-pity in its early stages is as snug as a feather mattress. Only when it hardens does it become uncomfortable.
Melissa I know how disappointing it is to learn you will only be helped with a small amount of money. The living conditions do not sound too good where you are.
PLease do what you need to do to be safe until you finish school. Kepp coming back and sharing.
Melissa ,stay or go is up to you , if anyone judges you so be it . who cares ? You are being honest about your reasons for considering returning that is all that is required here . If you set boundaries for this relationahip your gonna be just fine . u will find the support u need here either way the choice is yours . Louise
Noone is going to judge a mother trying to support herself and her kid...Not me anyway...
I am worried about his sleeping around...diseases are rampant and some are NOT curable ( I know you must know this ) I just hate to see a recovery mate "catch something".....My brother got herpes...I am HOPING that his ex g.f. did not contract the disease after all she did tryin to help him.....It just does not work if they are sleeping around....
I admire your courage and your humility to even think of going back to make a better life for your kid.....I am so sorry that finances are driving you back to this, to me, awful set of circumstances...
I am reading your posts and I see strength and someone working her program, so I know you will set boundaries and keep them...that is all you can do......PLEASE be careful about the sleeping around thing.....I feel for ya...BIG TIME....If one of my ex's had done that, I could never let him touch me again....It makes my skin crawl thinking of those A's and yea, they *said* they didn't fool around 2nd A was terrified of diseases so I belive him....And I think A #1, maybe 85% chance was telling the truth.....Its past history now, I am ok...healthy, but it IS an issue...there is a new strain of syphillis that is a buggar to get rid of and the old one was potentially fatal if not treated......So, as a recovery mate, I pray you are careful.....
Maybe, soon, you can get a heck of a good job and make the changes that YOU want to make YOU happy......Again, my prayers go out to you...Your strong and brave....SOMEWAY, SOMEHOW you will be OK.....You soo deserve it!!!! He has broken his marriage vows 7 ways to Sunday!! You deserve a better life for you and your child.....too bad sis wont' get into recovery, but maybe if her pain gets bad enough, she will reach out.....some folks never get free....I just lift them in prayer and detach....
Noone is going to judge a mother trying to support herself and her kid...Not me anyway...
I am worried about his sleeping around...diseases are rampant and some are NOT curable ( I know you must know this ) I just hate to see a recovery mate "catch something".....My brother got herpes...I am HOPING that his ex g.f. did not contract the disease after all she did tryin to help him.....It just does not work if they are sleeping around....
I admire your courage and your humility to even think of going back to make a better life for your kid.....I am so sorry that finances are driving you back to this, to me, awful set of circumstances...
I am reading your posts and I see strength and someone working her program, so I know you will set boundaries and keep them...that is all you can do......PLEASE be careful about the sleeping around thing.....I feel for ya...BIG TIME....If one of my ex's had done that, I could never let him touch me again....It makes my skin crawl thinking of those A's and yea, they *said* they didn't fool around 2nd A was terrified of diseases so I belive him....And I think A #1, maybe 85% chance was telling the truth.....Its past history now, I am ok...healthy, but it IS an issue...there is a new strain of syphillis that is a buggar to get rid of and the old one was potentially fatal if not treated......So, as a recovery mate, I pray you are careful.....
Maybe, soon, you can get a heck of a good job and make the changes that YOU want to make YOU happy......Again, my prayers go out to you...Your strong and brave....SOMEWAY, SOMEHOW you will be OK.....You soo deserve it!!!! He has broken his marriage vows 7 ways to Sunday!! You deserve a better life for you and your child.....too bad sis wont' get into recovery, but maybe if her pain gets bad enough, she will reach out.....some folks never get free....I just lift them in prayer and detach....
Thanks everyone for the replies!
I know there are many diseases around and that's why in the beginning I set a boundary to not sleep with him any longer. I did twice right after this happened, but realized I need to have enough respect for myself to not do this plus when I did it just made me feel much worse afterwards. I have kept to my boundary for quite awhile and this is the number 1 boundary I will have if I chose to go back.
I did do one test awhile ago and my doctor said it's best to come back in a couple months to get tested again.
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"Live in such a way that you would not be ashamed to sell your parrot to the town gossip." Will Rogers
I know there are many diseases around and that's why in the beginning I set a boundary to not sleep with him any longer. I did twice right after this happened, but realized I need to have enough respect for myself to not do this plus when I did it just made me feel much worse afterwards. I have kept to my boundary for quite awhile and this is the number 1 boundary I will have if I chose to go back.
I did do one test awhile ago and my doctor said it's best to come back in a couple months to get tested again.
Bless your heart!!! Be strong!! Take care of you!!!! Prayers that your tests come clean (don't know how many you have to take).......I really feel for you!!!!! Prayers going out from me 2 U
(((melissa))) my heart goes out to you. The first thing that popped into my head while reading your post is that he may be using finances to manipulate you. I think YOUR motives are good. You certainly have a lot to consider.
