The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am truly grateful for this board. I've been in knots all morning and am glad I have a place to post, since I am at work and unable to make it to a meeting this morning.
I am trying to be gentle with myself during this time of uncertainty and learning to detach. I'm not doing it perfectly and most of the time it hurts. I do love this man, but I am unsure of what the future will bring. I can only find my peace one day at a time, by taking care of myself and listening to myself. I give in too often to the bait that is thrown at me and I "Relapse" into my own, old behaviors of trying to control and being filled with panic and desperation. I'm having difficulty learning to work with my deeply ingrained fear of abandonment and rejection that seems to pop its head up in dealing with the A.
We got into a huge argument last night - accusations flying. I am still holding onto what was said, playing it over in my mind - the comments that I am uptight and not mellow. The truth is the details ARE NOT important. Sometimes I get so "engaged" in the arugment or situation I seriously cease thinking clearly and I begin to act out my own behaviors.
D - E- T - A - C - H - Don't even think about changing him. I must remember this today. His decisions are his to own, not mine. I just feel very emotional today and am tyring not to judge it, just let it be.
Were his comments true? Are you uptight or mellow? I find that I can easily dismiss what is not true, but what is true, really bothers me. My ego HATES it when others know the truth about me.
It makes perfect sense to me that you would be uptight. Dealing with alcoholism and our own codependency issues isn't easy!
But, you're in recovery. Yeaaaaah!!!
This program is not for sissies, it's tough stuff. You are wise to be gentle with yourself. Keep step 12 in mind, "Having had a spiritual awakening AS A RESULT of these steps..."
"Mellow" will come. Our part is to just stay willing. (((hugs)))
-- Edited by glad lee on Friday 22nd of May 2009 09:02:52 AM
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The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
Great post, and sometimes, it really is about "taking back control"..... of YOU! When we obsess about someone, particularly our A's, we end up giving them WAY too much control and influence over our daily lives, feelings, whether we have a good or bad day, etc., etc.... A huge part of detaching is getting comfy enough with yourself, so that he no longer has the power to affect you so deeply, in these draining and negative ways.... I was corrected once, early in my recovery, when I said that "my wife pushes my buttons", that the reality is that "I allow her to push my buttons"
I like the title of your post, and it is a great reminder each and every day... One of my favourite slogans is: "I did the best I could, with what I knew at the time"..... One of the other good ones is: "Don't try to eat the elephant all in one bite - the proper way to eat an elephant is slowly, one bite at a time."
Take care...
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
I suffered terribly from feelings of inadequacy & abandonment. I realized I was abandonning myself, in advance. Once I could see that I was doing it to me -- I got focused on giving all that I gave to others, to me. At first I could only love me such a tiny miniscule amount but I wanted something tangible. i started with what felt like 1/4 of 1% & began from there. I felt like I could handle .25% of love for me. That was a few years ago now & I can happily say I have grown tremendously from that.
Fear of the future (future events arent real) none of us knows the future, so we are all in that same boat. Worrying about it doesnt make it better, nor does it empower us for today.
I had to remove all of my expectations of myself. I realized that my perfectionism was stemming from fear as well & in trying to be a "perfect" & pleasing child to my mother. Well, that is unrealistic & impossible, furthermore, I am an adult today. That stuff from my childhood where I was trying to survive, didnt apply anymore.
All the while - obsessing about the future, all it did was take away the awareness I had that I could apply to today, this moment. I began focusing on today & I did small things that I could to improve myself that day.
Many days all it was was eating well & drinking plenty of water. Some days still, that is all I can muster up to do but that is still an improvement & it is still helping me. If I dont get to something on my list, I no longer bet myself up over it. I put it back on the list for the next day & try again. For me, not beating myself up & obsessing over what i didnt do ~ was a huge improvement.
I am doing the best i can today & I dont keep unrealistic expectations. If there is something that is a challenge to me & I dont want to do it but I need to, I remember the expression, - I can do anything for 15 minutes. And then walk away when the time is up. For me that is progress.
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
I just stay in the *NOW*....Wot is going on with my life NOW......I , too, like kitty said used to waste time worryng about the future and I may not even be here tomorrow......
You may not have a future with this guy...You may get so into health and working your program, you may decide that you can do way better and dump the guy, so why worry about what has not come yet (tomorrow)??? Its hard...I have to HOLD me in the now, many times...Like when my boss clobbered me tuesday, I fretted about Friday and it was only WEDNESDAY....I had to , when it came up, make me STOP....Tell me to STOP...Fri is not here yet....So why even THINK of it???? I turned it over...and I just kept doing my self talk...WEll??? after a bit of a battle with the "itty bitty shitty commitee" in my head, I WON....I had a fun thursday, fiddled around in the house...watched a GREAT dvd....never even thought of the guy...
Today, I go to work..."going it" one minute at a time and things were OK.....They were OK b/c I kept me in the MOMENT.....NOT worrying about "wot is going to happen at 2pm" when it is only 12 pm.......I coulnd't have done this a few months ago.....as a control freak (fear of unknown) I have had to really work to give over what is OUTSIDE of my own skin and the PRESENT moment.....the NOW is all I got...I'll deal with that....Sow good seed NOW, tomorrow will take care of itself, if there is a tomorrow for me.....
