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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> APOLOGIES----shame based?? or healthy??
Post Info TOPIC: APOLOGIES----shame based?? or healthy??
rosielightshines


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APOLOGIES----shame based?? or healthy??
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######Rosie's note.......Oh I remember when I read this how I apologized for EVERYTHING!!! I was soo shamed based, if a person cut in front of me at the super market, I would apoligize.....I was always saying "I'm sorry".....Its like my upbringing, my parents always made me feel with their deeds and words that I was something to use and abuse....She even told me how she didn't want me when I was born......The putdowns, mistreatment made me so shame based not only did I not know I had rights as a human being, but it was almost like I had to apologize for my very exhistence...Like I was here, alive by accident ..

Recovery has shown me that I have just as much right as anyone on earth to....be here ....be alive....be happy.....be abundent.....be respected.....set boundaries and have them heeded......walk away from toxic people......take care of MY needs first.....be generous ONLY if it is healthy and safe...

AND to the apologies????  B4 I open my mouth to say those 2 words, I *first* check my motives  "OK..did you really do or say something that needs an amend????" I first check my inventory, the event or word and then if I am sure I did another wrong...then i apologize one time...make proper amend and then LET IT GO!!!!  I used to just go over and over my mistakes...replay them over and over, even after the amend...

I  have come so far in this.....I don't replay them....i learn from them.....move on......LET GO.......I know my over apologizing all the time was because I was so ashamed of me...who i was..WHAT I was.......NOT any more!!!!!




Today's thought from Hazelden is:

Apologies

Sometimes, we act in a manner with which we are less than comfortable. That's human. That's why we have the words: "I'm sorry." They heal and bridge the gap. But we don't have to say, "I'm sorry" if we didn't do anything wrong. A sense of shame can keep us apologizing for everything we do, every word we say, for being alive and being who we are.

We don't have to apologize for taking care of ourselves, dealing with feelings, seeking boundaries, having fun, or getting healthy.

We never have to change our course, if it is in our best interest, but sometimes a general apology acknowledges other feelings and can be useful when the issues of a circumstance or relationship are not clear. We might say, "I'm sorry for the fuss we had. I'm sorry if what I needed to do to take care of myself hurt you; it was not intended that way."

Once we make an apology, we don't have to keep repeating it. If someone wants to keep on extricating an apology from us for the same incident, that is the person's issue, and we don't have to get hooked.

We can learn to take our apologies seriously and not hand them out when they're not valid. When we feel good about ourselves, we know when it's time to say we're sorry and when it's not.

Today, I will try to be clear and healthy in my apologies, taking responsibility for my actions and nobody else's. God, help me figure out what I need to apologize for and what is not my responsibility.

You are reading from the book:

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The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie



-- Edited by rosielightshines on Thursday 21st of May 2009 02:20:33 PM

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Rosie in recovery one day at a time
clara


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My first husband was physically and verbally abusive to me.  After he would knock the heck out of me, I would go to the bedroom and cry and cry.  I did not cry because he hurt me; I cried because I was something evil and he had to hit me.  Yes, I know I was a very sick puppy!!!  Then I would go to him and give apologies to him for being a bad wife.  (makes me sick to write these words).  He would look at me and tell me that he did not want to even look at me.  So, back to the bedroom to cry somemore.

It tooks years of therapy to realize, it was him, not me.  I was married to him for 12 years and he is the father of both my daughters.  I do not know where I would be today if I had not had the gutts to get help.

So, before I give apologies to anyone, I make sure they deserve them.  Good post Rosie.

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Clara

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What don't kill you, makes you stronger!!! 
kitty


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In recovering, I learned a little trick that has helped me to validate other people but alos not really apologize if I didnt think I should... I'd say "I'm sorry you feel that way" & leave it at that.

Of course if I do owe someone an apology, I am contrite but I used to go nuts when someone was mad at me & would be apologizing needlessly, so now I very gently put it to them with those words for them to own, not me.  I can still validate but everything is NOT my fault. 

Rosie, Clara, I am very grateful you both are here & value you're own worth today.

-- Edited by kitty on Thursday 21st of May 2009 01:32:29 PM

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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> APOLOGIES----shame based?? or healthy??