The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I emailed EXABF last night and told him he could come by Thursday while I was at work and get his stuff and that I would NOT be there.Also told him that I was feeling very sad and depleted over the entire situation.
He emails me back last night and says Cant say for sure yet about Thursday.Im supposed to meet Glen at 12:30 to pick up my new truck and give back the rental.Not sure how long that will take.If not, well set something up for Friday or next week.Take care. Hope you guys have a good weekend.
Now I consider myself to be a fairly understanding person and reasonable and compromising but WTH????I can understand if he is tied up Thursday (though his appt to get his new truck and trade in the rental is at 12:30 and my place is 5 mins away from there and I dont get home from work til 4:30) Four hours seems like a lot of time to me and more than enough to get his stuff and go.But for him to again attempt to tell me WHEN??? ( Friday, or next week????)Especially AFTER I tell him how I am feeling about the entire situation????What is that all about??? Now what am I supposed to do, just wait some more and keep feeling like crap until the time works for HIM??? UGH
So I decided not to answer his email today, possibly not ever unless he AGAIN informs ME what is BEST FOR HIM regarding this matter.He has plenty of time tomorrow to take care of it, and if it is there when I get home, then it is no longer my problem and I will not plan around his junk any longer.Guess he thought I was going to enjoy the holiday weekend and we cant have that now can we?
It just seems like this is NEVER going to end.I was soooooooo looking forward to it being done Thursday and now it drags on again.I swear if the stuff is NOT gone tomorrow it may show up on his porch in very small pieces!!!!
Thanks for letting me share
shelly
__________________
Put down the magnifying glass and pick up the mirror!
Shelly, It CAN be over if you do NOT contact him......I know its hard, but NO contact...NO reaction ...NO response will "suffocate his negativity".....
As long as you React, he knows he has your power...Its like my bully boss....As long as I keep the focus on me...Dont RE-act, but to ACT, taking care of me...Shutting him down when he attacks me by keeping focus on TAKING CARE OF ME....However in your case, you can TOTALLY shut him down by NO REACTION.......in my situation, I need this job to suppliment my SS..So I have to "inter act" with this abuser to an extent, but even so, I am going to ignore him as much as I can...Go through his sons, basically CUT him out of the loop so to speak...AND if he comes at me??? I am gonna very calmly stand up for me...Keep the focus on me....NO reacting.....its PROactive care for me......I can shut him down a LOT and am going to do so...MINIMAL interacting with this guy and when I must talk with him???? NO emotional reactions.....Like he isn't worth it enough or matter enough to "get a rise" out of me....
Ya see???? We need to with toxic folks, SHUT THEM DOWN with our NON reacting....TURN IT OVER.....Last night I went to 2 meets and worked the steps.....I feel better today..Because HP is in charge, but I have to do MY responsibility and that is WORK MY PROGRAM!!! Take care of me.....TURN the rest OVER!!!!!
Dont answer him....Dont respond....When its OVER it is OVER....He senses that you are still "connected" to him and hes gonna "jack with your head".....When I walk into work on Fri., I am gonna just act as if this jerk does not even exhist....I am cuttin him out as much as I can...Go through the sons for everything and just cut this guy OUT!!! If that doesn't work??? I may have to give notice....HP is in charge, but If I keep stickin my hand into the Lions cage, whos fault is it if I get my hand bitten off?????? You can DO THIS......say "I CAN LET THIS GO....I AM LETTLING THIS GO"......
I agree with rose. No response is the best response. I am currently seperated from my alcoholic, dry drunk husband. I often wonder "Will it just ever be done????" But rose's words work for me too, if I continue to let him get a rise out of me, I'm turning over my Power to him.
For me, I need to decide what my boundaries are and then stick to them. No boundary is worth it's salt if it's not followed through on, so that's just for me.
Sounds like you've set a boundary with your ex, of getting his stuff out. You'll have to decide if the time he plans to move things out is convient for you, and then say whether it is or not, turn the tables back on him. If it's not convient to you, say so! I know you want out of this, but own your own power and don't let him dictate to you how things will be. Alcoholics just love to be in control.
Just my take on things,
Java
-- Edited by java on Wednesday 20th of May 2009 10:05:40 AM
This doesn't really seem to be about his stuff at all. Just my take on it, but what it appears to me is you wanting to begin the healing. Relationship over. That my friend can begin even now, in my humble opinion. If it were about the stuff he still has at your place, you can always box it up and place it out of sight. Either way, you have the right and the choice to begin your healing as he is already gone.
If your concerned he will show up when you are there, you also have the right to ask for his key back. You can set into motion a plan B for his unexpected arrival by saying "this isn't really a good time for me" and step out even if it's for a coffee with a friend. Include instructions for him to leave the key on the counter on his way out.
What this program has taught me is, A) no one will tell you what to do that is your decision. B) you have options, C) take care of your needs, D) it's ok to move on and be gentle with yourself in the process, E) A's commonly have trouble ending relationships, F) begin living in spite of what your A is doing or not doing.
The list goes on as does your life, but know my friend, you have options and the right to exercise them.
Gentle mirror time Shelly.... you ask the question "will it just ever be done???" - it would appear that this is a one-sided fight, upset, angst, and it is all yours.... It doesn't appear that this is stressing him out at all....
Time for you to take a breath, step back, and truly decide "how important is it?". Is this issue worth your sanity, worth ruining your day/weekend/life over??
You are giving him WAY too much power right now - even if he's not trying, he's affecting your daily moods, your ability to enjoy the day, etc... Time to take that back. Claim your life back - spend some quality time with Shelly, and you'll stop giving him so much importance....
Take care Tom
__________________
"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
I am with Clara on this one. If you want his stuff out of your place, then put it out. Simple as that. Let him know when it will be out and then it will be up to him to pick it up, whether you are home or not. If it is out of your place and he comes by to pick it up while you are home, then hey, you are inside and he is outside. No biggie. Right?
Now that is easier said than done I realize. As I could not do that myself to my exah/bf. I would worry about the backlash of my actions, the scene he may cause. Heck, he wasn't happy when I moved all of his boxed up stuff to my shed. And just so you know, it is still in my shed 18 MONTHS LATER!!!!
So I guess the best thing to do here is try to relax and don't let him get under your skin. You do what you need to do for yourself and don't let his plans and actions have any effect on you. Step above all of that madness.
His disease wont end & you getting upset feeds it. You have been enabling him.
YOU CAN end it now. If the stuff is making you nuts, do something about it. I agree w/ canadian guy - he doesnt care. He will get it when he gets around to it, he may never get it. He gets such a rise out of you, this is a big pay off for him!
If you cannot detach from the stuff - create a boundary of sorts. Say pick it up by this date or I will throw it away. That is one way to handle it. Don't even look at it againuntil that date & on that date you set - take it, give it away, destroy it if you want. If it is so valuable or important to him, he will get it.
The other alternative (to doing nothing & detaching from whether he gets it or not b/c if it's outside, it doesnt really effect your activities - he can get it any time) would be to get someone to move it, move it yourself or give it away or sell it.
Only YOU can end it for YOU. An A will drag you down until there is nothing left. As long as u have a breth or a pulse he will be trying to use you, trying to disturb you. Only YOU can disengage & learn to stop being bothered. I know it is hard but try to focus on YOU. As long as you are upset at him, you aren't really living.
A's are emotional vampires & will suck the life out of you, if u allow it. Only you can stop being a victim/host. You DO have total power over yourself, you just dont know it yet. If you listen to those of us who have been exactly where youare, we are giving you the map to do it yourself but only you can do it for you. Save yourself!
__________________
Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
You said : AFTER I tell him how I am feeling about the entire situation????
Your last post regarding how painful this whole process is, you expressed the same thing. If he has not already been sympathetic to your feelings - it is MORE painful to EXPECT him to - it will only continue to feed your resentment.
I have been you -- bickering back and forth about when to pick items up. For me, I had to do a motive check - I WANTED to see him, so I could tell him how awful he was and how much he had hurt me and for like the 1000th time I would hope to see some GLIMMER of indication that he still cared. I kept doing the SAME thing over and over again and kept expecting different results. Nothing changes if nothing changes. If nothing else has changed in our situation, why would he suddenly become compassionate and caring and fall to his knees apologizing? Also, then I wondered what I truly wanted that would make any difference at that moment in time. Even IF he showed remorse, what then? Would that change our situation. Most of the time, the answer was No for me. Again, I was trying to get something from someone who did not have it to give me. It was like attempting to rob a homeless person - also akin to the bread and hardware story analogy.
I understand completely what you are feeling and the frustration that you are going through. He's not being responsive in the way you feel you deserve- which you're right he isn't, but that doesn't mean that he will be able to give you reaction at this time that you desire: being sensitive to your schedule and plans.
For me life would be to short for his lack of consideration. Sometimes we forget we are dealing with alcoholics and that they never change. It is obvious he only thinks about himself. The first thing we learn in Al-Anon is to take care of ourself. By allowing him to drag this out for days on end, it only effects "your" serinity. Think about it, you are in complete control, you can take the bull by the horns, or you can let this control you. You have the power, you have that choice, you have to decide what is most important to you, your serinity or the alternative.
I hope your choice is to have a good weekend and Memorial Day, with this situation in your rear view mirror.
HUGS, RLC
-- Edited by RLC on Wednesday 20th of May 2009 01:28:24 PM
It will be done when you are ready to let go and let it be done. Right now it sounds like you are more worried about "his stuff" than he is. Cover your butt legally, send him a registered letter (and keep a copy) telling him that in X number of days his stuff will be on the curb.
Put it out, go do something for yourself. If he's your ex, it's not your job anymore.
....the reg letter..that way he is warned.....short, simple, professional and NON emotional...Like a business letter...that way you can prove, if you have to, that you gave him notification........
