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Well today was a rough one, I went to work did what I had to do there, knocked off a little early, headed to the basement to sift through some of my Afather things, and pick out "some" things for the goodwill, I have a Long way to go, but I have made the extra mile and I did it with me & HP...
My mom stopped by this morning at work, (she is my Abrothers biggest enabler), she is a worrier, and ask what I had to do, and if she could help (She divorced him 25 years before), So I of course, said no mom, I'm good... She ask if my Abrother had got the rest of his things! And I of course told her No! She ask me what I was planning to do with them, I told her "They are going to Goodwill" and they did!
I told her if he wanted them he could go there and buy them back... For I am DONE! I could tell it hurt her, Not just that I so graciously Gave his things away, but that I was also going thru so much of this alone. I just didn't see the need to get her involved, and I feel pretty good about how I handled it... I Called him for 2 months, and gave him dates of when it had to be out, she ask if I was going to call him before I took it to Goodwill, I told her Nope... Sorry mom, I have called him many times and all he can do is sit on the porch of the Bar, and watch me take care of it, so he can watch his things go to Goodwell today :) And He Did!
Don't get me wrong, I HATE hurting my mom... She is the one thing in my life that I have Always been able to rely on, and has never told me No, unless I was an unrulie teen :) then she was a pro at No :) I worry about her tho, I think more now that Dad is gone, for she is my life line sometimes, and I don't know what I would do with out her. She has high blood pressure, and is a reck over my neice and nephew moving half way across the US... So I try not to upset her, but I also have learned, that I can no longer "Pretend" things are OK for her, when what she needs to hear is the truth!
There was One Thing In My Afathers home that I liked enough to keep... It was a dresser closest, has 5 small drawers, 1 big one across the bottom, and a mirrored door... I couldn't for the life of me know "Why" I would keep this and nothing else. So I desided to turn it into my sewing cabinet, for my fabrics, and sew machine, and all the gidgets that come with that hobbie.
Well As I was running this thru my mind It hit me! It is the Mirror!!! Fun thing is, I have Hated mirrors my whole life. For I did not like to LOOK at myself, and I am not going to say I "Enjoy" it much now, but NOW when I look in a mirror, I take a minute not only to Look, but to see with in me... To see what "I" want at that moment instead of waiting to see what someone else "wants" from me!
Since Al-anon, I have been slowly realizing that I DO matter, and I do have choices, and I can make choices without someone else input. I guess I can also thank My HP, and My Afather for this, for without him, I may not of thought I needed Al-anon, or would have had the choices I have the last 6 months, HP for DRAGGING me thru this mess, and making me realize that I have a strength that goes beyond what others may think...And of course Al-anon for showing me the steps, the tools, and the ESH that has giving me a new lease on life...I love my MIP family for you all have made a HUGE break thru in my life, and you walked me thru each hurdle, and obsticle with such grace, kindness, and friendship. I will be forever grateful... I have along way to go, but I know that NOW... I Can Do This... One Moment at A Time :)
My Afather is gone, I can not bring him back, but I can look back, I can not physically hug him, but I can still feel his hugs, I can hold on too the bad, or I can release it to HP, and focus on what good He did do in being my father, and ,I can still Love him until we meet again!
Sorry so long, but you all should be use to me by now.. Fingers just wont stop:) Thanks SOOO Much all of you, for your support, and I promise to Keep Coming Back, for I know It Works If you work it...
Tomorrow I sign over the trailer, and then my new life begins :)
Jozie this year in October will be 20 years that my father passed away at the young age of 37 from a massive heart attack. He was the best person I have ever known. I miss him each day. His memory gives me strength. Get this, okay??? He was the hostess with the mostess. Growing up our home was the place...we had an ingroud swimming pool, pool house/gameroom/bar and out door cook house. I grew up every weekend around my sober dad and his 5 brothers and too many cousins to count. My dad had a passion for a rather unusual collection/hobby. He collected Brew A Mania. A collection of beer related items such as cans, neon signs, trays, mugs. If it had Budweiser, Jax, Miller, Falstaff, Dixie or any other beer name on it, he collected it. I grew up many a weekends going to Brew Mania shows, searching flea markets for stuff and loving every minute of it. I was just as proud as him. Our (yeah our..hehe) collection was quite impressive. After his death I had many good memories in that gameroom and pool house of my own. The collection made me proud. It gave me so many fond memories of my dad. (o gosh, i'm in tears now) It was really nice. Well time and life changes. My mom eventually ended up being an alcholic and meth abuser and then I met my A hubby. My a hubby and I lived in my childhood home. I had lived there alone since I was 19 and my mom was off figuring out her life. Five years ago she decided to move back home. She and I decided to convert the gameroom/poolhouse into a studio apartment for her. By that time in my life, I despised everything that had to do with alchol. So........I had to make a decision what to do with the stuff. I sold most of it to a guy who now has his very own nice Brew Mainia collection. It was HARD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I cried as I packed each and every beer can or neon sign. It's still sad at times, but a good thing has became of it. My A hubby and I bought a house, my mom moved into the main house I grew up in and now rents out the studio apartment for enough money to pay her utilities. My mom has kicked the meth habit many many years ago. She and I are there for each other. Sometimes we want to kick each others butts, but we always forgive quickly. I am sorry you are going through this. You are doing great. Sorry for such the long reply, but your post reminded me so much of my own experience and I felt your pain.
Jozie---Good for you for getting a near impossible task done and over with. You should be proud of yourself for hanging in there and doing what needed to be done.
And good for you for giving your brother's stuff to Goodwill. I agree with you; if he wants it back, he can go buy it back. Good for you.
Job well done.
__________________
Clara
------------------------------------ What don't kill you, makes you stronger!!!
