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Hello, This is my first post. I need some help from everyone. My Story- I was married to my husband for 11 years. We have 2 children (now ages 6 and 7). In the summer of 2005 my husband had an affair with a woman and got her pregnant. This I never though he would do. We divorced in Dec 2005. Since then it has been a roller coaster. I had no idea who he was anymore. The decisions he was making were off the wall. On Jan 28 2009 it all came to my attention. His family did an intervention on him. He was a very very bad alcocholic. They placed him in a Rehab facilty called Father Martin's Ashley. He spent 28 days there. Then transfered to a sober living house in Delray Beach Florida. I am so glad that he finally is getting the help that he has needed for 4 years.
Here is my problem. I have not received child support from him since 10/2008. He is now in arrears by $14,000.00. I am working 2 jobs. Trying to raise the children by myself (he has not seen the kids since before he went to rehab in Jan). My home is now in forcloser. I am trying so hard to get through all of this and also be supportive of his recovery for the children. I just feel that he is now hiding from all his responsiblities as a parent.
I had to tell him today that the courts here in Delaware have filed a contemp against him for no paying child support. This has sent him over the edge. I am getting very nasty text messges from him now. I don't want him to drink!!! I am having such a difficult time with all of this. I understand his recovery process. Does that give him an excuse to not take care of his children? I don't know.
We were having a very good friendship up until today. I was working with him on his recovery. I was going through the 12 steps with him.
I could keep going on and on...but don't know where to go from here.
I need help and support. Is there anyone out there that can chat with me?
First of all his recovery is up to him not you, you can be supportive however only he can control his sobriety....
Second of all welcome, you are where you need to be...you can only change you...try and find a face to face meeting in your local area if you can it will help very much........
The thing is this is a disease, if affects everyone and everything in it's path. Just try and remember it is his disease he is the A he has been to rehab and has the tools to stay clean and sober if he chooses....
Alcoholics and addicts are masters at making us feel guilt to get what they want. They are his children he is responsible for their well being.
My husband passed away 2 yrs ago before that he went missing in action I know all too well how difficult it is to keep things going at home. I almost lost my home and as well. Believe it or not it has taken me until right now to get things even. So do not allow him to use his disease as a cop out for not taking care of his children.
Try and take it slowly, one minute at a time...if that is what it takes...keep coming back......Things will look better once you get more informed about this disease....
I'm sorry for what you are going through, and I understand how hard it is to deal with an alcoholic. Keep working your program, working with yourself and things will get better. And remember that you can't make him drink. That is his decision. If he feels every time he has to face his responsabilities, he's gonna have a drink, he has to work on that. There's nothing you an do about it.
Keep coming back (((hugs)))
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Self-pity in its early stages is as snug as a feather mattress. Only when it hardens does it become uncomfortable.
That is what he keeps telling me. If he comes back to see his kids he will drink. If he has to deal with the court issues. He will drink. If I try and even talk to him about any of these issues, he will drink. I feel he is using this as an excuse not to deal with the responsibilites he has.
I go with Andrea on "First of all his recovery is up to him not you, you can be supportive however only he can control his sobriety...."
Steps 1,2,3 are realizing that we are powerless over others and even stuff in OURSELVES....Step 2 says "there is somebody higher who can restore ME to sanity"......step 3 says, that ALL we gotta do is Accept 1 and 2 and REACH out in step 3...TURN IT OVER
As to the back support?? yea, states cannot afford "no-pay" parents...You have a right to help
Take care of you and the kids..work your program and let him do what hes gotta do....I encourage recovery folks BIG time IF they are working thier program and wanting to help themselves...and then it is encouragement only....I cannot do anything else...If they don't want to help themselves, I just detach, let go, take care of me and let them suffer the consequences...
I am sorry, the children suffer the most..I hate to see things like this...They need you and with that said, I pray you work your program and keep your balance for those innocent kids and yourself...
Barbarajo, You are NOT where you need to be! You need to be in a place of peace and serenity, and while you are the only person who can get yourself there, the journey is sometimes tough and lengthy. Try to keep the focus on you and your precious children. DO that and you'll make it just fine.
He owes his children support. Hit the courts in Delaware and have him served for his arrears. Neither his alcoholism nor his recovery is an excuse for his abhorrent behavior. It is easy for him to "go over the edge" whilst leaving you to pick up the pieces of his mess.
BTW, I am a Delaware girl myself. There aren't many of us, and we must stick together. Take care, come back, and keep that tunnel vision homed right in on YOU!
With caring,
Diva
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
I'm with Diva on this, you need only pick up the parcels that belong to you, it doesn't mean you do not care, it just means you have choices and priorities, the fact that you are getting nasty text message suggests to me that you are being manipulated, you have enough on your plate, if courts need to take care of him that really is not your concern, he is also a parent, you take care of you, try and keep it together
thank you all. I know what you are all saying. I do need to stay focused on me. Man it's hard though when you keep getting these txt messages. Now I have the girl he had the other kid with texting me nasty things tonight. He is doing everything in his power to try and get to me. I am not responding to any of it. It surprises me that even though he has been in recovery since Jan he can still be so mean!!! Why is that? Why does he still have anger and hate towards me when he did all the bad things while he was drinking? Why do we always take the brunt of it? Why do they always blame us?
Hi Barbara - the best thing about the three C's - you didn't cause it, can't cure it, can't control it.... is that they are absolutely true.... you cannot "cause" him to drink, and you cannot "cause" him to be sober....
Standing up for what you are entitled to, by law, is nothing to be ashamed of... He's not mad at you - although he may be taking it out on you - he's mad at the world, at his circumstances, is used to playing the victim, etc., etc....
One of the best things with your situation, is you can keep it very business like, as it is the law and the courts that will dictate to him what he does and does not do as far as child support is concerned - all you need to do is provide them with the information...
Take care of you
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
You were going thru the 12 steps with him ? why is the only question I would have . this is his stuff he needs other A's not you , your way too emotionally involved and you cannot be his sponsor , your going to get hurt . Nothing u do or say will make him drink he may use it as an excuse but your simply not that powerful to make him drink or keep him sober - any more than u could make him quit . it's not your job . He has responsibilites to his children and to you . if he dosent live up to them their are courts that will see that he does . Our detachment pamphlet reminds us to not be USED or ABUSED in the name of anyones recovery.
You are doing what you need to do for your children. It is your legal right to receive funds to aid in the normal expenses inherent in raising a child. Please try not to worry about your actions "Sending him over the edge" or "making him drink." Nothing MAKES them drink - just like we can never make them recover. They always have a choice. For a long time I feared the same thing, but kept trying to remember that an indivdiual TRULY in recovery would be able to adequately deal with the feelings/anger that arises out of upsetting information. I try to remind myself that just like I need to learn I am powerless over his choice to recover, I am also powerless over his choice to drink.
As much as we would like to believe we can be their sponsors the truth of the matter is, it's not our place.
Just like you needed to find your own sponsor who had your best interests at heart, so will he need to find a person for himself.
Once I was able to let it sink it that I couldn't be all things to all people, that a total stranger who has walked in his shoes could and would have far more insight into his issues the better I became..... and the better he became.
As much as you believe you love him and understand him far better then others, realize that perhaps that is exactly how many of us find ourselves enabling their disease.
You have options in regaining your long over due child support, no where does that require you being in contact with him. Excerise your rights by contacting the proper authorities and continue taking care of you and your children.
Good for you for not responding to his desperate moves to "get to you" which is all it is, it is a game to him (really). They feed off our emotional states, so the more angry or fearful they can get us, the better for them. They feed off of it & use it. They will say, 'oh ur hysterical - i'm going to go drink!' or whatever, I'm sure you've heard it all before. They blame us so they don't have to face their issues... that is all it is. They will tell themselves like a mantra, "it's her fault, not mine" until they feel justified enough or excused enough & go use. The more desperate we get to use logic & put it to them, doesnt work... they take their warped & stinking thinking & use it to feed their disease.
Him saying "if u do this" or "if u mention this or that I will use" is ridiculous. Don't fall for it. As if any of your behavior would keep him clean or using -- is absurd. He may be trying to convince himself that you are the cause of his problems AND he will try to convince you. If you take responsibility for his behavior, this enables him and he will use you as his excuse. Do not belive it. If it were true, it would stand to reason that we could actually stop our A's from drinking & drugging, even when they are ruining their lives, health, finances, relationships.
We have absolutely no control over anyone but ourselves. We can only change us. They will have to face themselves to change, one day. Right now the bestt hing for you to do, is to focus on YOU & detach from whether he drinks or not - that is HIS problem & has nothing to do with you.
The money is an issue & his responsibility. I would go for the jugular for my kids or animals. Just like anyone else that needs to be paid - they dont care why you cant, they only want to know when u can make payment. That is his responsibility & recovery or not, is no excuse. Surely he has some money.
We're all here for you, welcome.
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
