The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
So I got into an argument with my bf the other night, not really an argument but I was mad at him. He dumped me for the third weekend in a row for his family and I was mad mad mad and I think justifiably so. I am still a secret and that is the heart of the problem. What I realized the other night as we were talking about it is that I put him first and he doesn't put me first and that's what really gets me. Of course that's my problem not his I just have to stop putting him first. It's hard for me to do that, to get on with my own life and think in terms of - if I spend time with him ok and if not whatever I have something else to do. That's really true I do have other stuff to do. I have to stop giving up so much of myself to get more of him because it's only making me resentful.
I was talking to a friend about him yesterday and although he is drug/alcohol free he is still not really available as long as there is this white elephant of me and my kids being a secret from his family. I can relate it to being with an A, dealing with someone who is not really able to commit for whatever reason, in this case I think it's age and immaturity. And... once again living on hope that things will change - he'll man up, he'll develop a spine and stand up to his family, etc. etc.... Again, living in the future instead of reality... Ugh. I'm not ready to give him up as of yet but I am definitely learning about what I am and am not willing to tolerate and my expectations. I'm always willing to give more than I should and put out more than I really have to give. I have to recognize that and stop it. I guess at least I can see what it is that I'm doing now rather than living in denial.
I do want to give him time to see what he's going to do but I also need to have a plan for myself and decide whether I want to wait for him to grow up and if so how long before I move on. I also need to determine what I really want from this relationship and what each of us is actually capable of giving. It was so much more fun imagining my white prince coming in to rescue me and save me from my life than this adult reality stuff!!!!
I think it is great that you are seeing the things now and "Calling them out"... I think it will help you in the long run to know what boundry's you have to lay forth in your relationship in order to know what "Will & Will Not" work for you...
Just because "He" isn't ready, doesn't mean you have to try and change him, but the more you work on yourself, the more you will know if "He" is what You Need... I am not one to talk about "Age Differnce" for I went the "other" way...My Husband is much older then I... Most would say to much, but that I can live with...When we got together "Everyone" told me that "It will Never work", and well... Who knows how far we will go, but so far we have been together for 13 years, married for almost 9, and tho we still have our Moments of Stress with one another we are still "Making" it, and I love him with all my heart...
Since Al-anon there has been moments that have "Helped" me with my Marriage for my husband is a "Moody" person, to which now is Easier for me to except then before al-anon... and there have been moments I have "Questioned" my marriage and his fits...I have realized that HE will not change, and I am Ok with that for now, I know that Just becasue he is stressed doens't mean the rest of us have to be... Let him be mad and walk away..:0)
So you just Keep Coming back, Posting and Doing the Best You can for YOU... It isn't going to be easy.. Nothing is... But it will be Easier... When You Come before Any other Person on your "to Do List"... You'll See :)
Take what you like and leave the rest...Love & Prayers Jozie
I don't want to be stupid, but WHY are you a "secret"??? Are you sure hes not attached to another???
That just sounds uncomfortable to me..Sorry, don't know the history, but if I were a secret, I think I would just work on me..Do my own thing and NOT prioritize this guy...
i was once a secret to a guys family..I am 1/2 indian and he was fearful that they would not approve....I couldn't believe it...I dropped him and dated guys who were less "ashamed" of me.....
In order for me to lead a reasonably happy and emotionally healthy life, I have to keep myself and my recovery my top priority, not someone else.
I wouldn't expect anything less from a partner I was serious with.
I don't ever want to be #1 in someone's life because that puts me on a pedestal, and that is no longer a place I want to be. That was my old codependent way of thinking.
I want a partner who is independent of me, and me independent of him.
Whether I ever have that in my life, I don't know.
For now I am perfectly content to continue working on self and pursuing my goals, such as finishing college.
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"If a dog will not come to you after having looked you in the face, you should go home and examine your conscience." - Woodrow Wilson
How great that you can see how you set yourself up in a relationship and not be so invested you can step back. That is a considerable investment in your recovery.
Of course we all want the bells and whistles relationship. Sometimes we get the ones that open our eyes to our part in it.
Seems to me you see exactly what is going on...with a pinch of denial...keep your eyes open....ask yourself what the reason is he does not want to tell his family about you...more importantly....just how much do you really care.
Do not give him the power to make you doubt yourself, and as far as growing up sometimes people never do.
Hug your kids, put them above all....one day at a time.....girlfriend it is all up to you .
