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I'm new to this forum and haven't attended an Al-Anon meeting as yet. I plan to. I've been reading various threads and hope for some guidance.
Can a person abuse alcohol and not be an alcoholic? Not making excuses for my hubby......had a threapist tell me some abuse alcohol and others are alcoholics. I think hubby is a functioning alcoholic, he can function when it comes to job, paying bills, all daily commitments. Never has alcohol gotten in the way of any commitment. Where I got fed up was the embrassment of his behavior -- can't hold his liquor. And then it became the usual weekend of him drinking to where it became annoying. I'm not much of a drinker, probably a drink twice a month. So you can see how annoying someone can be who is drunk and you're not.
We sat down last night and I told him that his drinking is effecting our relationship. We aren't as close as we were and I know the alcohol is numbing for him. He agrees that he has a problem and said he thinks he has been in denialt. He has been to AA meetings in the past and didn't feel like he fit in. Last night he told me that he thought it was the fact that he was ashamed to admit he has a problem.
My question is this -- I asked him how I could be supportive. He said be there for me...encouragement. Then he said, please don't ask me how I'm doing. For example, how are you feeling, how are your meeting, etc... I was dumbfounded. Ok, I'm find with this but I feel if I don't ask questions and don't know what is going on how can I be encourging? I do know if I ask how he is doing and if he wants to talk about it great, if not I know he doesn't want to talk. I need to sit down with him and get some clarity. I know not to enable him, he is responsibility for his own behavior. I know not to yell or make him feel badly. I guess I don't know how to be.
Book: Getting Them Sober by Toby Rice Drew. volume one. Amazon and check used book stores.
you are right we are not responsible for their disease. For me I detached from it. Loved him, paid no attention to the disease. Takes a while to learn this, was worth it.
This disease gets worse as the years pass.There is no functioning A. He is just not at the point of DUI's, losing his job, etc.
Like any progressive, incurable disease unless steps are made to work against it, a plan of recovery,it will take over.
Glad you are here. Take it slow, keep coming back! MEETINGS are great.
Welcome , the best way in my opinion to support and encourage our alcoholics is to get your own program Al-Anon , that way u will learn a little of his struggle and truly understand this disease and how much it has affected your life . WE are enablers and until we stop doing for them what they should be doing for themselves nothing will change , except it will get worse . Please find meetings as soon as you can , forget what u think u know about alcohlism . This is a disease and it is progressive , your not the reason he drinks nothing u do will make him drink or stop . and as for his idea that AA isn't for him , he simply wasn't ready perhaps he is now but again nothing u can do about that , this is his trip he has to do it his way .
Glad you found us :) ... I am in agreement that if you were to get into your own program of Al-anon, get to some F2F Meeting in your area, and even on line if that isn't an option, and see what it is we do here... You are right you can't control his behavior, No one but he can do that.. But you can control how you react, a respond... Al-anon is such a gift to those that Really Want to Understand, and Grow from their experience.. I have found much happiness and peace here, and I hope that you will to...
Hope that you Keep Coming Back, Sharing, and joining us... You will be glad you did... It only works if you work it, and around here... All we need is "Progress Not Profection"...
Getting Them Sober by Toby Rice Drew --- AWESOME BOOK. SO much good stuff there.
It seems you are describing your husband as a functioning alcoholic which I believe there to be many of - those who can still hold down a job and commitments but, who are abusers of alcohol on a regular basis. However, if it is affecting your relationship then it IS getting in the way of life.
I remember the sting, the first time my A told me that asking him ANYTHING about his recovery or his meetings was something he didn't want me to do - that essentially I was to STAY OUT of his recovery. At the time I felt so wounded and hurt. I took it personally.
Then I came to this program and attended meetings when I couldn't take ANYTHING more. I learned SO much and found out I wasn't alone.
The ex A I was with for 7 years was once functioning. He could work and he had a life. Eventually alcohol and drugs took all that. I don't know that functioning is actually a good barometer of what is going on with an alcoholic. I do know the ex A shut down regularly. He would play games on the computer for weeks. I would get absolutely furious. Now I know that I really did not have a clue how to act or react or even take care of myself.
Being in al anon has changed my life. All the suggestions made above are good. The other is to really try to work this program, get to know other people, see yourself in them.
WELCOME TO THE MIP FAMILY