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Hi, I am new here, gotta start somewhere. My husband is an Alcoholic. ( I think) He is a functional one I guess is what you call it. He is able to maintain and drink. By that I mean he is not messy, and in fact cleans the house, keeps the shop clean, mowes the lawn, does his own laundry I never have to take out the trash. When he is working (layed off right now) he never misses work, does good job and everyone likes him. In that respect I am not unhappy.
His poison is BV. I have counted receipts for up to 7 1/2 gallons a month and that dosent count what he paid for in cash or had at the bar. He does not go to the bars without me and yes I drink too but usually only a couple and then I am ready to go and I dont have any more at home. I have stopped drinking as I think it will help? I have no idea.
Every so often he drinks to excess and when that happens I have to be very careful what I say least he take it personally or get mad over something and then the tirade begins. He will yell, swear, call me names and it always is my fault. He say I am being snotty to him or talking down to him. I think he has self esteem issues. I do know that he is pretty vain and has to look a certain way when we leave the house. Or obsess over what pair of shoes he will wear . I dont know if this has anything to do with the drinking or not. The drinks he makes are like 50/50 , he thinks this is funny too and actually tells people that. He wiil complain at the bar that there is not enough BV in the drink, it kinda embarrases me.
He likes to be the center of attention and God forbid I comment on something he says around others or I hear later that I was rude and talked over the top of him. He should be on the receiving end ( mine) when he gets going. You cannot talk to him at all he is not even rational. I usually end up just walking away or going to bed but at times he follows me slamms the door open and just jabbers at me. When I dont reaspond he says Oh you have nothing to say huh?
This benders or whatever you want to call them happen several times a month. He has also driven many times when he should not have. I get so mad and tell him that he should of called me. He has had 2 DUI's in the past, before he met me. I am afraid that it will happen again and it will kill us financially. Sometimes he gets that way all by himself and sits in the shop. And, sometimes when he is like that I go to bed and he comes in and makes all kinds of noise, has fallen in the kitchen, breaks stuff is mean to the dog and then come and trys to wake me up. I tell him that is rude and he needs to stop it.
He knows he has a problem and confessed as much after a 3 day bender at his brothers. He drank so much ( I was not there) that he came home and that night sweat just poured off him all night long. He told me he was coming down with something and I said no, you are detoxing and you are lucky to be alive. He told me the next day ( one of the few times he has remorse) that he knew he had a problem and he would take care of it. He's good for a while and then he does it again.
I dont know what to do to help. I am tired of the fighting over stuff that really is not important or at least could be discussed. I dont know how to handle this. I am tired of walking on eggshells waiting for the next bomb to drop. Currently we have not talked in 3 days /
Yep you are in the right place......I would get books on the 12 steps....literature that is "ala alanon, recovery" I have a library.......I suggest a sponsor and yea, like Robin said, there are meets here every night....I am still trying to find a fac2fac meet within driving distance and cannot find one yet....so I come here to the meets...
this program saved my life and my mind....It is a total miracle, but one must commit to it....you are WORTH it....Please keep coming back...Rosie
You ARE in the rigth place! If you have a problem with someone else's drinking, then Al Anon is where you need to be. If you are able you may want to try a face to face meeting. If that doesn't work for you, then keep coming back to the board.
There is nothing you can do to get your husband (or anyone) to stop drinking. Remember the 3 Cs - You didn't cause it, you can't cure it and you can not control it. Alcoholism is a three part disease - physical, emotional and spiritual. An alocoholic drinks because they are alcoholic. They too can't control it or cure it without help. It may be helpful for you to read some literature on the diease as well. Alcohlism is a family diease - all are affected. The only way to possibly help is to get help for yourself - though remember that is not a guarantee that he will find help or stop drinking as there is nothing YOU can do.
One of the "weapons" of an alcoholic is to provoke anger and anxiety. Often they will place blame and tell family members it is their fault that they drink. An alcoholic drinks because of the disease - they are riddled with guilt, shame and remorse and can not stop the disease. In Al Anon we learn how to keep ourselves out of the family illness and learn to have compassion for the suffering alcoholic.
Much to learn and share. This program has been a blessing and life saver for me. I now have a serenity I never knew existed.
Please remember to take care of yourself and keep the focus on you. The disease is insidious.
Aloha Josie...you are in the right place at the right time. Where you go from here is strictly up to you. There have been and will be more suggestions. I'd like to pass on more. They where some that were given to me when I first reached the doors of the Al-Anon Family Groups face to face meetings. Here goes; go to the white pages of your local telephone book and look for the hot line number for Al-Anon and call that number. If you don't get a real person to talk to you will get phone numbers and meeting places and times where the groups meet. Without hiding it or saying things you don't know about...get to the first meeting you can and while there take a seat (there is one already waiting for you) and listen, listen, listen with an open mind. There will be a literature table or should be. Get as much literature as you can (most will probably be free) and read it all. The literature is for you so don't go leaving it around hoping that the alcoholic will find it and get the message and the blue bird or happiness will arrive and life will become perfect. You are dealing with, in my opinion, the deadliest disease known to man. It doesn't take down just a single person it takes down whole handfuls.
After the meeting you might just stick around for a minute or two and get to know some of the people in the room. Next suggestion?...try to get to as many more meetings as you can over the next 90 days before you decide if the program is for you. Learn the steps and traditions that we weave our lives around and our groups around. Learn the slogans; they will keep your mind together when the disease is trying to fracture it over and over. Learn the Serenity Prayer and see if you can come up with a personal definition of a Higher Power greater than yourself.
Then...practice, practice, practice what you have learned over and over again while you are learning more.
The alcoholic? The alcoholic in your life will have a reaction; most do and we learn not to cave in on other peoples' reactions to our getting well. Keep coming back (one of our slogans) It works if you work it (another slogan and philosophy).
That you stopped drinking yourself is a good idea. It does to you what it does to him as alcohol is tougher on women than it is on men. That you have a problem because of his drinking qualifies you to be here.
Alcohol is not a food source, has never brought anyone to better health and has killed more people in the time that I have typed this to you than you can imagine. The victims are in the millions.
Thanks for all the responses. I have a couple of days off so I wont be on here much. He at times is even jealous of the computer . I guess someone cheated on him and it involved emailing back and forth. He is always suspicious so I dont use it much when he is home.
I will look into everything that is suggested. I think I will start with reading material. I just want to learn how to detach and not be a part of the crap. I do know that his dad drank for years and his wife used to get so mad at him and pour his whyskey out and break the bottles , which I know doesnt help but eventually she just stopped going places with him and went alone telling him that he could not come because he embarrased her. He no longer drinks other than on holidays etc. He never drinks to excess. I have talked to both his parents and they sympathise with me but do not get involved. My A husband also has no thyroid and takes meds for that. I have read that those meds and alcohol do not mix. He is 45 years old and complains a lot about his back and other things. I told him that the alcohol may be causing some of the problems.
I recently quit smoking too and I am on day 15 and do not plan on breaking my quit. he smokes too but is pretty considerate not smoking in the car or around me.
I live in a very small town and I know meetings are supposed to be confidential but people talk in this town. I work at the hospital and I hear all kinds of stuff and I really dont want anyone to know. Is that bad?
there is a great primer on detaching at www.coping.org.
I lived with an alcoholic who was absolutely self destructive one of the ways he expressed it was with driving and crashing and getting tickets. I always over reacted to those events. The over reactions bound me to him more tightly.
The ex A did eventually crash and destroy a truck I had paid for. I had always dreaded that. I did survive it emotionally and I finally had nothing left to be dreading.
