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This is just a little thing, but I do wish I didnt feel the need to tell people my husband has left me! This is so negative, I did it tonight when this guy in a lovely country pub pointed out that we seemed to be on a strict budget...ive done it quite a few times, why dont I just say nothing, or that ive separated from my husband if i have to...I think ive got no pride when i say this, but cant help it...im going to try and curb it in future...its so oh, wonder why hes left you..cos of course, they dont know he is an alcoholic and unless they have alnight and im not planning on telling them anyway, it sounds so pathetic...Thats it, no more of that....im prouder than that...does anyone understand why i might do this, too proud and strong enough to deny all contact with my Ah but maybe im looking for sympathy...yuk...Lilly...
I don't tell people my personal life that I am not at least friendly with..
I get asked to. Are you married?? and all I say is "NO..Divorced" and I don't discuss it further...My close people know why I had to split from him, but my business/private life is NOONE's business...
I am open in recovery and even then, there are things that only HP and I know, and that is OK...I tell what I need to in order to heal and share my experience and strength and hope...My real, intimate stuff, some of it, rather is between me and my God and its OK...
Step 5 , to me, is "tell" another HUMAN only if I must in order to heal and to my 12 step work...Otherwise??? I am as honest as I know how to me and my God..No other entities have to know some stuff.....
I think at first I "told" about him more than I needed to...Now, with recovery I am very selective and I don't *need" to "explain" why I am no longer married
What you did is normal...Take it easy on you....Recovery is a journey, never a destination...
I too used to tell people much too much. I agree with sincerely, saying "I'm single" could be a more empowering way to present yourself to strangers. Or if you dont like the person appraoching you, you could also say you're married. Thing with me, was I felt nearly a compuslive need to tell the truth but why tell innocent strangers "my truth" there is no need for them to know.
Getting to meetings, talking it out there in the appropriate place will help ensure that you are getting it out & possible wont feel the need to blurt it out around new people you might meet. Working through these issues is heavy stuff - it is private. That way if you're at meetings, you will make program friends, exchange numbers, so if you need to talk to another alanon, you have one to reach out to.
I would also suggest that perhaps you have more codependent issues in you than maybe you thought -- IMHO - telling strangers is inappropriate/too much & if you are looking for sympathy, compassion or understanding (which is perfectly okay right now - the awareness alone is healing) if you face these issues & deal with them, they wont be bubbling out on their own, embarrassing you. You can get a handle on them by facing them, then you can work them out & change them if you wish it.
You're not alone in this. ((((((((( lilly ))))))))))
Good for you for going out & meeting new people!!!! That's great.
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
Yes, this is an awful sensation and I did this a great deal in the past, i would put it down to emotional upheaval and distress, go easy on yourself, at least you are aware of it, it had to be pointed out to me, I wasn't that aware that I disclosed so much so often, so been there and bought the tee shirt, best of luck I am sure it will improve
Oh thank you so much for your support and words of wisdom here. Yes, I think having read so much that I was bound very tight to my exAH, my world revolved round his issues, his head problems, and when it wasnt that, it was round his children and often his ex partner...took years to resolve that and get down to a status quo with her. I have been quilty of telling people about the downward spiral too Im afraid....justification for why he left and true but difficult for people to understand that dont know the depths of this disease. Our relationship is out there in black and white, my "provoker" role as the enabler, the finger always pointed at me and my behaviour! Also trying to please my husband by looking after everything for him, making things nice for him, I find I hardly do any housework now, I thought I did it for me, but it was for him, now I dont care if its not perfectly clean..this has surprised me. I largely lost myself in our relationship, curtailed my social life to avoid the possibility of leaving him to it, as I wanted to control what he was doing. If I went out with a friend I nearly always invited him to join us so I knew where he was...this often spoiled the night because he would get so drunk, we would argue, he would leave etc....But I had little time just for me, it was always about him, I think all that is probably co-dependency.?? Sadly because I lost myself it also meant my husband lost the old me too, think thats part of the reason he came to despise me, which he did Im sure..I have become much more the old me on the outside at least, I feel different now hes gone, but ive still a long way to go. Thank you again.
I just had to respond to this.I keep doing this too,and I get so mad at myself. One night after work one of my bosses mentioned something about a coworker and her marital problems about which she had been very vocal.I ended up telling him mine,going on and on about why we still live together even though the marriage is over.Sometimes he seemed to have this really puzzled look on his face but did that stop me? When I left,driving home I felt so ashamed of myself for spilling my guts like that.I started wondering what he must think of me now. When I got home I told my ex AH ( not legally ex because we are still legally married and not even an a-H because the marriage is over....here I go again) He said I shouldn't talk to 'earth' people about this stuff because they don't understand.He said I needed to talk to someone in Alanon.( gee, good advice from an A.) Well I always did go to the hardware store for bread.Now I am going to the bread store for nails.... Lilly, you would not believe the internal struggle I have had over this.Should I wear the wedding ring to let guys know I am still married? But I'm NOT married in any way but legally.Should I call him my 'ex',which is what he calls ME.But he is not EX yet because we are not divorced.If I said I was divorced I was afraid they( guys) would think there must be something wrong with ME that my husband of almost 40 years doesn't want me. Then I felt the need to explain why we are still married and why we still live together even tho the marriage is over...and it's over because he met someone online and fell in love but that didn't work out still I have been with him all my life and it has been hard for me to separate myself from him and we have this house to sell which is in a state of remodel............. WHEW!!! What person,who was raised in a 'normal' loving family with no experience with alcoholics would understand that? Not only that but how could they possibly help me? At first I really do think I was looking for sympathy when I told people.I was so hurt and so devastated that he could do this to me I wanted someone to say,you are right to be hurt,he was wrong. Then I wanted people to help me sort thru this mess and guide me and tell me what to do.Mostly they gave me answers that didn't seem right to me. I still struggle with this and I am grateful for your post. I have been working my program by myself.At first the online meetings and reading the literature was fine,I was getting better.I made alot of progress,my life is more peaceful. BUT, it never occured to me the value of talking,in person, to someone who really understands.I had that online but to be able to talk to someone real,to see their face and feel their understanding in person.That is what I was missing. This board has been a lifesaver to me and I still come here and read when I get depessed or have one of those down periods.I always find what I need here.Like today.
maybe I will try the meetings again. Thanks,Lilly.
