The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I have been feeling alot of pain lately. Feelings of guilt and shame. I woke up today with that horrible feeling again. It starts almost immediatley, the self criticizising. Why did I do A B or C, I should have known better, why did I stay in that relationship so long, I'm not good enough........ I must be so unlovable, the list is endless......
Then I read my daily reader, it was about self love. It made me think. By thinking this way I am perpetuating the neglect and abuse I received as a child. I am being my own worst enemy.
It is up to me to stop this pattern. The way I think about me is up to me. I can change the way I feel. I deserve to have good things and to be happy.
I am a good person. I am lovable. I have done many good things in my life. I am kind. I can be loved.
I am going to break the old habit of putting myself down all the time. I am going to love me.
You are on the right track Carol. Your working your program and turning those tapes over and replacing them with positive affirmations. Creativity is another way you can bolster your self-esteem. We all have things that we are creative at. We all have imaginations that lead us into places of serenity. Use those God-given gifts of visions of creativity to do something for yourself today.
Carol, I too have been in a pattern like that lately and your post makes all the sense in the world- yeah, its those really really old recordings THAT WE CAN END. Your post was just what I needed to read this morning. Thank you for writing it- really helpful! You are not alone and neither am I! hugs, J.
I am a good person. I am lovable. I have done many good things in my life. I am kind. I can be loved.
I am going to break the old habit of putting myself down all the time. I am going to love me.
With Gratitude Carol
How about on the LAST sentence...NOT putting the "breaking" in the future by saying "going to"....Instead how bout this.......
"I am GRATEFUL that MY HP and I ARE, NOW, , BREAKING the habit of putting me down all the time....I AM loving myself each day???? I DESERVE IT....With God's strength, I am realizing what a beautiful creature I am"..
OR words to that affect....Never "defer" your good..healing...whatever....CLAIM it NOW....
The seventh step prayer has been in my mind lately. I thought of it again as I read your post.
"My Creator, I am now willing that you should have all of me,
good
and
bad.
I pray that you now remove from me every single defect of character which stands in the way of my usefulness to you and my fellows. Grant me strength as I go out from here, to do your bidding. Amen."
This is NOT a self-help program. Without my HP, I am nothing, I have no power. In the beginning, I found it easier to just accept my HP's love for me, which is perfect and unconditional. Meditation helps me realize how loved I am, as I recognize the very Life within me.
-- Edited by glad lee on Saturday 16th of May 2009 07:16:43 PM
__________________
The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
Thank you for sharing on Self-love Carol. This IS and always will be the HARDEST battle to fight, FOR ME - regardless of what is going on in my life. As it seems you had the experience as well - as a child I endured much that made me truly believe I was inherently less valuable than others and deserved less. Things had happened to me and the only reasonable conclusion I could draw was that there was something wrong with me- that I was simply unloveable for my past- a defective model of the human race. The rest of my life then became a quest to conceal this tragic flaw. I was terrified of abandonment - that any partner I was with would see that part of me that was perpetually ugly and unloveable and leave me. This being said, I accepted crumbs of affection and attention and believed that I should settle for whatever came my way, because that was all I'd ever get or deserve. It is so painful living this way. Our devaluing of ourselves sends the message to others that it is ok to treat us the same way. My sponsor would always remind me that the messages I was receiving inside were that of a frightened child's and that while as a little girl, I WAS helpless - I no longer am as an adult and that I must take a stand against that wounded part of me that has lived with erroneous beliefs for much of her life and endured great pain because of her distorted beliefs. Today, I am not to blame myself but, to be gentle with myself and to release these messages, as they no longer serve me today and come from a scared and frightened child, not an adult.
The first thing that goes when I get down on myself is my negative self-talk. Sometimes it takes quite a bit of work for me to become aware of it - but it's amazing how automatic these messages are and how easy it is to go there.
Thanks for reminding me that self love is something I must work at. WHen I believe myself worth of love and goodness and happiness - everything changes.
I felt absolutely worthless for a long long time. Self care is very difficult for me and now it is part and parcel of my life. Self loathing was really all I knew and was one way the A could manipulate me.
