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Is something I don't have. I was reflecting after reading another post here by Becky about wanting to be rescued and hoping her boyfriend of 8 months would step up. I have been with mine almost 4 and been pushing for moving in, etc. I have a really hard time waiting for what I want.
It's so foreign to me to be in a relationship where we aren't living together in less than a month and where we don't see eachother every day. I am having a hard time getting into the swing of this. Part of me feels like life is short enjoy it now it could be gone tomorrow and yet that sometimes leads to rash decisions that end badly.
I'm going to try to resolve to enjoy the time we have and stop pushing for more more more. I have to learn that I can think it on the inside (I want more...) but just not let it ooze through to the outside (a kind of fake it until you make it approach I guess?). I know that this behavior leads to bad feelings of I can never give you enough you always want more and I really don't want this to end up that way he's a great guy!
To me, this is one of those situations where you've done what you can (he knows you want him to move in, he knows why); so the next move is HIS; so now it's time to leave him be & back off. I agree, this is so hard! But for me it falls into that whole giving the other person the dignity area. Sure, maybe his mom is influencing him - but it's his choice to take that on, or not. Really, I think this is a great opportunity for you to practice your own program (as you are doing!). Moving is up there as one of the 5 or 10 most stressful things you can possibly do. Moving in WITH SOMEONE is another one. Dealing with one item is plenty - no need to heap two on yourself at once.
Your show patience can only benifit you in the long run... Like above, I agree that you have layed your cards on the table and now it is his turn to make his move...
I was once told "Be Careful what You Wish for...You May just Get it :)" Alot of the time for me when I was dating.. I was the same way.. Move in and get Rolling with Life... In Rushing hte Issue.. It NEVER worked..Once I realized that My Need to Have Them There, Was my selfish way of Never Being Alone... Once they got there, things got to surface that I had never seen before, in them, and in me... I usually didn't like myself for I was always trying to Somehow "Mother Them" thru Everything...
I was always told "If It Isn't Broke... Don't Fix It", Enjoy the time you are apart from each other, as much as you enjoy your time together... Many Days I pray for a day to myself, not that I love my family any less.. I just feel like a "Break" would benifit all involved and give me a chance to Catch my Breath and start Again...
Your will be fine... Just Keep Working those Patience... It will be WAY Worth it in the end... Take what you like and leave the rest...
My 2 cents worth - Girl slow down and enjoy life. Take your time with this relationship. You don't need to be living together in order to enjoy each other. Besides that, I would think that the time you have apart keeps you appreciating your time together more. Use the time you are apart to do things for yourself and your kids that he may not necessarily want to be a part of - like running errands, laundry, housework, homework. Ya know. But that is just my 2 cents worth. Take what you like, leave the rest.
I have a deep need to be loved and accepted by others - ironically because I do not believe ME, MYSELF -- AS I AM is enough. I've grown up believing I am inherently worthless - this has driven me to stay with indivdiuals that were bad for me and to attempt to receive all of the love and attention from OUTSIDE of myself at any cost. Today I know that it will NEVER feel that hole inside of me. My sponsor once gave a talk where she said that she was trying to feel WHOLE by filling the HOLE with things OUTSIDE of herself and it never worked. My need to be loved and taken care of, because I didn't or couldn't do it myself drove me to do many crazy things and to live in agony and deep fear of abandonment.
I don't know if you can relate to this and maybe I'm WAY off - but sometimes it was difficult for me to sit in that space of WANTING but, not being able to control the outcome of it. I wasn't able to control when or IF I ever made it to the next step with my boyfriend. I knew what I wanted and was terrified he didn't want the same thing. I kept thinking that this decision to take the next step of living together would mean so much and it would really solidify our bond. The reality was that these "Steps" didn't mean he loved, honored and respected me and going through the motions of becoming more serious didn't guarentee I would be happy.
I hear u CG, I am involved with a terrific new guy and I sure want to just go for it, too. Part of it might be our ages- neither one of us is 20-something anymore- why wait? But I have gotten so burned by rushing in and I know you have too.
I guess the one I place all this crapola on is HP- I ask for guidance. I ask for clarity. I ask for signs of what might be the best thing to do and then I go quiet and wait and watch and see what happens next. Sometimes nothing happens. Sometimes many different kinds of things happen. But its worthwhile to be quiet and watch and wait and listen, always. HP has got the perfect timing down, not me, that I know for sure!!!
A funny thing has happened lately, though. Yes, I do want to live with this man and I believe we will at some time (i am 45 and he is 58) but I can now wait- wait till the cows come home because I just know that someday we will. I do not know when or how (we do not live in the same city or part of the country) but I have faith that HP will make it all work out just great and I am more at peace about stuff like this than I ever have. I know that HP is not playing tricks on me. I know my feelings are real and so are his. I am trusting all this stuff for the first time in my life and hey, it feels great. Hugs, J.
-- Edited by Jean4444 on Friday 15th of May 2009 05:58:14 PM
Rushing got me into some terrible places. I do nevertheless when I meet someone indulge in fantasizing about it. I just don't act on it. I have tremendous people pleasing issues but I don't act on them anymore. I don't think it shifts magically over night. Rather like detahcment I had to act as if for a long long time.
