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My Recovering A has been slacking on meeting attendance. I believe I've mentioned this before and I have tried to keep my HANDS OFF of his program. It's difficult to do so and to DETACH without completely shutting him out. A resentment buds in knowing that he is not actively working his program AND that he believes this is ok.
I guess... who am I to really judge? I suppose it's just fear of the future again.
So last night we had the dreaded conversation, where he states that he has not been diligently and actively working a program and does not want to or intend to do so at this time. He does not believe he is ABOVE it, but that he can't lie. He feels that it's not right for everyone to assert that there is only one way to get and STAYT clean and sober -- and if he doesn't do it to a T - he will fail. Last night was the acknowledgement of his lack of meeting attendance and of my fears. He says he simply wants to live a normal life blah blah blah - and hates living with my constant fear of relapse. He said that he has been so afraid to talk to me about this because he knew I would freak out and that he just simply cannot attend meetings because it makes me feel better.
He called me out on the way that I use his meeting attendance as some assurance that he will not relapse - as though it is REQUIRED of him in order for me to be happy, unafraid and enjoy our time spend together.
So, I wonder if I am simply postponing the inevitable.
Do I need to accept this decision he has made or the fact that he has made it clearly that he doesn't intend on diligently working a program at this time? It is something I can accept- but NOT condone. But am I being complicit simply by REMAINING in the relationship? How can I be accepting of this, enjoy the present (versus living in fear -- which is what it feels like I'm contantly doing - holding myself back from any enjoyment for fear it will be taken away!!) AND not harbor a resentment for this decision that truthfully isn't mine to make.
I told him that what he does with his program is his responsibility, his recovery is his responsibility - I cannot make him want or do anything. I have no intention of not working a program myself.
I don't want to convince myself that he may be special and not need a program to get clean. I know acceptance of this means, being in today and accepting that relapse is quite likely to be in my future. I am hit with a TON of other feelings in doing this - I feel as if I am stupid for staying- I feel resentful and can't imagine being able to enjoy his company - the clean and sober times TODAY with knowledge that he does not have an active program.
It feels WRONG to enjoy today - as though I will pay for it in the future --- I will need to "make up for it" with some eventual and inevitable return to the terror of active A'ism and drug addiction.
Another thing I fear is that I won't SEE the signs of a relapse - that I'll somehow simply find myself enmeshed beyond belief and having not changed at all. Responding to it all the same way I did before when he was active and not in recovery - completely crazy.
And then I find myself all up in HIS recovery -- thinking to myself that he hasn't resolved his issues with his mother or that he seems to be denying his past -- stuff that simply isn't mine to own. But I'm confused. Are these legitimate worries? Is saying they are not mine to own, simply just a way out for me? Aren't I to protect myself and can't turn a blind eye to evidence that there may be emotional danger in my future? Is this "Acceptance" just giving me an excuse to stay without questioning the implications for the future?
Sorry so long. For all those who read and respond, THANK YOU. Thank you all for listening - I'm just feeling so torn and confused today.
-- Edited by RunnerChick on Friday 15th of May 2009 08:00:54 AM
-- Edited by RunnerChick on Friday 15th of May 2009 08:06:05 AM
You're fine. You're right, as someone who's not "on the inside," you're really not in a capacity to challenge your hsuband. The people in the rooms of AA will challenge him. They will call him on his bluff. You've also done your part. You've told him your feelings, your needs, your boundries, your issues. Yuo're not nagging, you're not bagering. This is a part of his program--learning to live with his family sober. But if he's not willing to work the program, he can't do that. So, that's where the people of AA come in. You can trust that, at some point, he will be taken down a notch. Just keep working your program. You're doing great
No real advice on this one, as your questions are all very legitimate, as are your concerns.... What I would take note of, is these things - HIS lack of recovery - appears to be eating you up inside.... As always, the best solution is for you to focus on you - whether he is working his program or not....
You ending the relationship (temporarily or permanently), as a result of him not willing to follow much of a recovery program - is a fairly common/natural possible consequence of his choice of (in)action.... I would just encourage you to weigh the pros and cons of such a decision - but when you do so, stick to the facts (i.e. don't stay cuz you "love him when he's sober", etc....)
Hope that helps, but honestly - you sound like you're at a crossroads right now - I definitely think you need to spend some time with you - whether that be "formal or informal" (with respect to being in the relationship) is your call, and not one that anyone besides you can/should advise on....
Hope my jumbled message makes sense...
Tom
__________________
"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
So last night we had the dreaded conversation, where he states that he has not been diligently and actively working a program and does not want to or intend to do so at this time. He does not believe he is ABOVE it, but that he can't lie. He feels that it's not right for everyone to assert that there is only one way to get and STAYT clean and sober -- and if he doesn't do it to a T - he will fail.
It sounds like he has made himself very clear on where he is at with his recovery, or non-recovery.
Is that something you are willing to live with? I understand all of your concerns, and they would certainly be valid in my books.
Personally I settled for crumbs far too long, kept myself crazy in the midst of untreated alcoholism, and my standards are pretty high these days.
He is right in telling you that simply attending meetings is no guarantee of long-term sobriety.
Alcoholism is a progressive disease, and I have watched that with my 31 year old AD. Even though she isn't currently drinking, she's popping pills, and her attitudes and behaviors continue to progress throughout the years. She wouldn't know the truth if it bit her in the hind end to be honest. She manipulates, cons, and blames everyone else for her problems.
Any confusion I have had in the past when dealing with an A is because in some way, I am compromising my morals and beliefs. When I am true to self, and live according to my morals and beliefs, there is no confusion.
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"If a dog will not come to you after having looked you in the face, you should go home and examine your conscience." - Woodrow Wilson
Runner there are no guarnatees that with a program he will not drink again , but I can guarantee that if u continue with your meetings and program , if he does it will not be the end of your world . We learn to deal with crisis here in a healthier fashion , work your program and you will be just fine . We cannot choose the method of recovery for anyone but ourselves . Sober any way is better than drunk anyday. I cannot make one person MY reason to be happy , thats just too big a job for anyone to take on , tho I used to think if he's happy I will be too . Two happy people have a better chance of making it .. I have a life that my husb isn't apart of my husb has hobbies I am not a part of with friends I ahve never met and we have a life together , and for us it works . We have a couple of rules in our relationship there are some things u just don't do .two people bound at the hip soon get tired of each other It feels wrong to enjoy today ?? sheesh that is really sad runner , we miss so many great things when living in fear , and what if's . I wasted way too many yrs doing just that , get the most out of each day and enjoy . BLOOM WHERE YOUR PLANTED !!!!! I wasnt ready to leave my relationship and was tired of him not changing his life so I focusd back on myself , I am after all the only one I can change . DENIAL - for me is to see whats wrong and do nothing about it . to deny what is happening around me and doing nothing about it . Crap happens but I don't have to let it affect my life , I don't have to show up for every fight anymore I can walk away .
-- Edited by abbyal on Friday 15th of May 2009 06:37:50 PM
Runner it is time, in my opinion , to ask "Do I want the rest of my life to be like this??? walking on egg shells...Needs not being met..Boundaries busted.......Having to "go it alone" when I deserve to have one to SHARE a healthy life with???"
I guess some folks can just go live their separate lives and stay living together, but what a life!!!!
I never say "stay or go" ...I just ask you...WHAT would you tell your daughter or best friend if SHE was telling you this story????
He made it pretty clear he is not ready to recover and may never be.....
I would detach..BIG time DETACHMENT....LET GO........WORK ON ME!!!! Take care of me.....Separate myself from HIS disease and HIS problems....Let him pay the consequences of his actions.....Make sure your credit cards and money and auto are protected.....I made the mistake of sharing my auto with my ex AH and he wrecked it...brand new chevy malibu....He wrecked it....Of course ins. did not pay me my losses , so I had to re-buy a used car and never let him share my stuff again....
I guess I have gotten hard or just "worn out" by A's and Narkies (daughter) because now, I put a "shelf life" on how long I want to be in their midst...Like I cannot talk long with them, w/o having to "exit".....I just can't deal with it for any length of time...
If they don't love themselves enough to recover, HOW are they going to love me????? They ARENT......I cut my daughter out of my will.....My niece gets everything....My daughter would "crystal meth" my estate in a year's time.....My niece , I know, will do what is right...SHE is clean.....SHE gets my house and money when I go.....so sad, but I had to detach and grief over losing her and the body is still breathing....I jump when the phone rings at night from Calif....I always wonder "is this the call from the police that she is found dead".....naaaw I can't take it anymore....I told her that I did not want her around me UNTIL she would show me that she is ACTIVELY working 12 steps and is serious about recovery.......She kicked me to the curb.....I got into recovery....She is killing herself.....
Sorry, didn't mean to go off about my druggie daughter......I got A brother....Narc daughter...EX A Husbands (2).....I am tired of addicts and drunks ruining my life and triggering me......Life is hard enough...
I even offered to sponsor my kid , sent her literature...I tried...I set an example...I did every thing I could to *help her Help herSELF* but I cannot force her to drink from the well I led her to.....next step???? DETACHMENT.....I had to LET GO!!!! I am just tired of my heart being broken....
I hope your situation has a better ending, but reading your post and his comments, really doesn't look good for him.....
I am not sure I was very clean on what transpired here. I reread my initial post and feel I may have gotten caught up in the "play-by-play" which for me, isn't something I like to do. It takes me back to a CRAZY place where I am stuck in the little movements of others and not the overall picture of my recovery.
To my knowledge, my A has been clean and sober for four months, which prior this he had a a year and a half clean. He relapsed with drugs, not alcohol. My fear is that relapse is imminent. I struggle with enjoying today for fear that it will all be taken away OR that the wool is being pulled over my eyes. The problem here is that things are going well for the moment. It is when times are rough, that he will be forced to choose how to cope. I know that this belongs to HIM. I'm just struggling with detaching from this possibility.
I have not been given an ultimateum of "Stay or Go" - or - "accept me in active behaviors" -- it is more of, "I don't really feel like working my program the way you THINK I should- so it's your choice whether you accept it or go" sort of utlimateum - if that makes sense.
You sound pretty tied up in knots, Runner. I am not seeing much peace in your post. If things are good today, that is really all that matters and that is really all we've got- REALLY. I would encourage you to try staying in the present moment alone and take one single day at a time which is what our recovery and 12 steps are all about. The past is GONE and the door locked shut. The future is totally unfathomable- so many things can come into play. I would encourage you to really take a hold of your mind and raise your awareness monumentally on your thinking. Watch your mind. Observe how it moves and functions. Can you do this? I think if you can try to be the person up in the balcony instead of the one down on the stage, that might help you out a lot. Can you get a tiny wedge of space between you and your situation/life? Any at all? hugs, J.
I was told if I was confused, it meant there was something about reality I still wasn't accepting.
All this stuff about his program - is ur right it is for him to deal with AND you are totally helpless to do anything about it. We are all powerfless over what happens to others, even our own kids. We can control little. We CAN however control ourselves & that is very empowering once you get to work there.
I agree with Jean, you are crying from a place of fear of the future. I know it well. I lived there for 30-35 years of my life. I stopped being happy for about 25 years b/c when things would get complacent ~ I'd begin to experience the feeling of (imminent doom) the 'other shoe is going to drop' feeling. I dont have to focus on them - and look for or manifest that experience -- I can look to and focus on me & just TODAY b/c tomorrow is not a guarantee for anyone on this earth. Reality is today & right Now is the gift/blessing. It is a relief to let the fear go, place it down completely & be free in this moment. That is the miracle I feel in my life today thanks to program. Right now, I can relax, right now I can be happy. The way to manifest the things I want, is to visualize my goal or what I want to attain & then I let the how's & why's go b/c that's where hp comes in & hp will work it out. That way I am open to unlimited possiblities & am not focusing on the details of how. In the mean time, I can bring my mind back to *me*
So you can enjoy the time you have today. All u need do is be grateful for this present moment. When u set boundaries be sure you follow thru on them. Focsu on YOU. That is how I got detachment ~ I created boundaries, MYOB, was grateful for wtvr I could be, focused on me & loving me. I am powerless over anything & everything but me.
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
