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This is not a tongue in cheek question or a debate...I genuinely think I may have missed this life lesson somewhere along the line. Do you have any good and practical theories or slogans on how to distinguish the differences between helping and enabling?
I do not know if I have a precise answer but for me I need to examine my motivation: what is in it for ME? Why do I want to help? And really look closely at what that answer might be in total honesty. For what its worth...hugs, J.
I remember a post on the board that went like this, it asked about whether you were fixing, directing, controlling etc, and if you were, perhaps you should stop, I have applied this to several situations not necessarily alcohol related ones and I know it has helped me see the difference between helping and enabling
My "helping" at its worst was making meals for my son when he was in college and he moved into his first apartment. I cooked like a nut every Sunday, packaged up ready-made meals to last him a week and hand-delivered them. Geeeez
My "helping" actually "crippled" him, he was not learning to be responsible and manage life on his own. What's really pathetic is, he never even asked for my help, I just went swooping in like Wonder Woman wanting to save the day as he complained about how busy he was. (We're all busy!)
I did for him, what he should have been doing for himself. I prevented him from figuring it out on his own, kept him from learning responsibility.
Now, I only "help" when someone asks for help. And, I do not do for my kids what they can do for themselves, they are healthy, intelligent and capable. My days as The Codependent Poster Girl are over!
-- Edited by glad lee on Friday 15th of May 2009 09:23:32 AM
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The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
If I am doing something for someone that they can do for themselves, I am enabling. They may not want to do it for themselves, but they are capable. Just my two cents.
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"If a dog will not come to you after having looked you in the face, you should go home and examine your conscience." - Woodrow Wilson
Hi Rora , the best way for me to separate the two is to start with * Don't do for them what they should be doing for themselves . pay bills ,(thiers) don't cover bad checks etc. DETACHMENT PAMPHLET clears that up for me . Helping hmmm tricky question , support thier efforts at sobriety by getting my own program , learn all I can about the disease of alcoholism , and mind my own business and not get caught up in thier chaos !!! I had to learn to stop lecturing and trying to make them see what was happening , I have come to learn that they were aware , just not ready yet to change it . Disease dosent all it . All my efforts did to stop him only made things worse , made him feel guilty and added more shame to already overload , all this I didn't understand until I got to this program . I had to forget what I thought I knew about alcoholism . If you have our daily reader the ODAT = one day at a time Page on July 14th made it perfectly clear what m y part in any relationship was .that page and the detachment pamphlet changed my life and ultimatley that of my family for the better. When i don't do what I have always done it has to work out different .
-- Edited by abbyal on Friday 15th of May 2009 11:36:49 AM
This is a very good question - for me, as a Mom, it's essentially one of the two Big questions. And I like all of the above answers. I would just add that I need to tweak them to make them fit the individual situation. For example, my son "can" get himself to his AA meetings - even though it means he may have to walk 3-5 miles. In a sense it could be said that by giving him rides we are depriving him of the opportunity to do for himself, humble himself at the meeting and ask 'strangers' for rides; and to really Feel the consequences of being a poor driver (which caused him to total his car and raise his already high insurance rates). On the other hand, he still can and DOES feel those consequences, since no self-respecting 21 yr old wants to be driven around by his mother/grandparents; he also feels those consequences when he has to walk to college, take the bus to the beach, ask for rides to work, and wait outside to be picked up from meetings. And, finally, I feel that his going to meetings is especially beneficial and I don't him to become unnecessarily discouraged at this point in his 'recovery'(? -If he is in fact in recovery-?) Unfortunately not everything's that easy though! Take for example those people who give him rides to work....If they were to ask my son for gas money they would still be helping him, but less 'enabling' since he would still be requiring my son to share the responsibility; helping him to better 'feel his consequences'; helping him to better recognize the cost of carting him around; and making it easier for my son to feel healthy humility...rather than humiliation or entitlement. Again, I love this question - it helps me think!
Great question Rora...Here is what I learned early on in Al-Anon...If the other person has the time, ability and facility (tools) to take care of their responsibilities and I step in and take over...I am enabling. If they lack anyone of the three necessary things AND they ask for help (from others and or me and I don't give up my options of saying no) then that is helping. It is what I practice today and what works for me. There is another character of being helpful also and it goes with courtesy and respect.
OK...I am gonna give this a shot....My narkie daughter...
when I ENABLED----- I paid her bail to get her out of jail....I paid her cell because she had "blown" her cell phone bill on drugs......I said "yes , dear" instead of giving my ESH and the truth....I made excuses for her when she was too sick/hungover to work........I minimized her addiction "oh its not THAT bad"..and I am sure I conveyed that to her......
when I began helping her-----------I sat her down and said "we need help....You need NA and I need al-anon from being married to A's and now with you"
I got us literature I let her sit in jail and "dry out" and then LOVINGLY detached from NOT her, but her disease
I let her cell phone get cut off by refusing to pay the bill
When she said she was hungry...NO money....I took her to grocery and bought FOOD....
I said I would sponsor her the last time 3 years ago, b4 she disowned me because she couldn't stand my "recovery kick"....
I am letting her suffer the consequences of her deeds.....I am there to encourage and love and give esh to her IF SHE GETS INTO RECOVERY
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My Ex AH...The last one.....
enabling.........denial about his disease.........calling in work for him/lying for him to cover why he was out "sick"...............paying more than my share of the expenses..............When he blew his pay check, I would by him cigaretts and I do not smoke........
helping him.........telling him what he is doing...how it impacted me and what changes I needed in order to stay married....................letting him call into work himself or let it go and he got fired.......NOT my problem.........moved in with my sister and let HIM lose the apartment.....................letting HIM buy his own stuff that he needs..............if he has no "ciggy" money??? too bad....Dry out!!!!!!
on the same token..........Telling him that IF he gets into recovery, I will *cheer* him on...encourage him.......be his friend.......
I guess *helping* is detaching with love and just letting them hit their bottom, so they will get help and encouraging them, supporting them, emotionally so they don't feel alone.............
its like LOVE the sinner....HATE the sin.........I can show LOVE w/o holding them above the abyss so we both deny just how sick they are......I cut my "rope" so when they drop into the abyss....the DROP and pray like the dickens that THIS drop will drive them into recovery......
ALSO-----------HELPING is getting MYSELF into a program, so I can MYOB and LIVE and LET LIVE...........keep the focus on me and get ME healthy so I can DETACH and respond healthy to their disease.......Even if it means leaving them or cutting them out of my life in order to be safe and healthy.......If I don't take care of me??? I am sunk!! NOONE is going help me but ME and my God.......
BASICALLY, enabling is doing for them what is THEIR responsibility/ problem
HELPING is lending an honest hand to someone who is safe, who is unable to help themselves for an honest reason........Sickness....Surgery.....Broken limb....Wheel chair bound........OR one who is in crisis and reaching out wanting to work on the SOLUTION rather than wallow in the PROBLEM........
WE are **helping** each other.....THIS board is the best example of helping over enabling.....
When I am enabling, my motive is trying to make ME feel safe.
When I help, my motivation is to help someone reach their goal.
Enabling I do to someone wether or not they want me to. I do it because I feel suerior and believe that I am better than them and therefore more capable.
I help someone who is just like me, a human living life. I know what it feels like to be enabled and it doesn't feel good. It feels like the person enabling you doesn't believe you are smart enough or good enough to do it yourself.
