mother in law blues - Al-Anon Family Group

angelchar375 · Veteran Member

mother in law blues

Robinks · Senior Member

My mother in law is very controlling too. I have tried to have a relationship with her, sometimes she backs off but her controlling tendencies always come back. I just stay away from her, set my boundaries, take care of me. Remember when you get those phone calls, imagine the doorbell is ringing or someone is calling on the other line. Good excuse to GET OFF, she doesn't know you are fibbing and you can keep your sanity.

abbyal · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi angel , well if u can remember that she is an untreated Al-Anon ( nuts ) like we used to be that will help biggrin a great argument stopper for me when someone is giving me the I should be doing line is -- You could be right !!! or thanks for pointing that out I will work on it , now I know thats gonna hurt but it stops all discussions right now and no argument . smile and walk away or stay and change the subject . divierson works . She probably means well as u said but we ( a grandparent here ) don't alway know when to shut up . Next time you could ask her to help u get the babies in the house ,she would probably be willing to help . Simply explain to her what your intent was when u arrived home and apologize to her if she felt u were rude . end of guilt . she either accepts your apology or not , either way u have done your part . and let it go . No reason to be terrified , she is husb mom and I know u know she is not responsible for his problems , she couldnt stop him either . And I am sure that she does love you.

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Aloha Angelchar...Oh I remember those times...and I remember them ending also.
I remember learning and then following thru on the realization that I can choose
to respond to people, places and things according to how I wanted things to come
out. That is still what I do today and it isn't because of the other person, place or
thing either it is about how I want my spirit to be, before during and after the
event.   I like being happy and relaxed and that only comes from me. It is not
dependent upon what is outside of me..."it's an inside job Jerry F" I was once told
by an Alateen member. I have never forgotten that is the truth and I am totally
responsible for it.   Yes there are "times" and each and every time I have the
choice without anyone's permission how I want it to come out for me and what I
need to do to have that happen.   Today in my family of orgin and in my recovery
family I am looked on as being "weird". "Nothing ever bothers you I'm told". My
reply is "not true!!!" "It's more that nothing ever bothers me for long." It only
bothers me for the time it takes me to reach back, grab my program and put it on.

My screen saver is "Don't react!!".

That's not much for advice and it is alot from my expereinces.

(((((hugs))))) smile

Peggy7 · ~*Service Worker*~

Wow, I have many responses to your post. One because I've been a young mother. Two because my MIL is clinically insane which exceeds the worse controlling manipulative examples I've heard to date. Three because I'm also the mother of grown A's one coming off drugs as we speak.

Issue 1: Sleeping babies...no matter my mood I would have perhaps used the finger over the lips move, universal signal there is some reason to be quiet. If that didn't work I would have motioned for her to help me get one of the two into the house and into bed.

Issue 2: Medeling MIL's shouldn't have keys to your home even if it's merely to walk the dog. Ask nicely if you can have it back as much as you appreicate all her help with things going astray with her son you don't care to put her in any awkward situations can be the reason.

Issue 3: Sadly we do love our sons even when they are ill with a horried disease.  But frankly my dear that's between her and them, you don't have to buy into the guilt she tosses out.

I've found since coming to this program that I can "Say what I mean, mean what I say and I don't have to say it in a mean way"

I pray for you to find guidance in all of this through help at meetings, literature here online, finding your own sponsor and face to face meetings.

Best suggestion I would pray my DIL gives me is respect knowing that just like she doesn't have all the answers with being a new mother. MIL's are doing this for the first time too.

Peggy7

-- Edited by Peggy7 on Friday 15th of May 2009 10:13:36 PM

serendipity · ~*Service Worker*~

Her son is an A. Right there, she has been affected by the disease of Aism. I would hazzard a guess that she has had her own experience with Aism in her family growing up. So, she is sick with this disease also.

You are chosing to work the alanon program, focus on yourself and your kids and live your life. She is actively in the disease.

My ex MIL had much contact with alanon over the years. She never really stayed or "worked" a program. But she was well aware of Aism.

I will never forget one night, I had moved myself, my 4 yr old and my baby into my mother's house to get away from my then husband who was a crack addict. My life had just blown up, I was looking at the pieces, struggling with how to keep it together for the sake of the kids and my MIL calls me and starts yelling at me how she is always my 2nd choice to watch the kids, how I don't go over to HER house, how she feels I am disrespectful because of these issues. I LOST it. I told her I was sorry she felt that way but I was sorrier that she felt the need to kick me when I was down and that she is far from perfect herself (and a few other choice words I'm sure) and I hung up on her.

I calmed down and called her back a while later and apologized for speaking to her in that tone. She was contrite but accepted my apology.

I was only sorry for my tone as I was brought up to never speak to my elders with disrespect.

Anyway, I put a boundry up with her. She is toxic. She was setting my AH up with other women and giving him money to buy drugs. So, although she has good points to her, she is no one I want in my life or the lives of my kids. Too much drinking, drugging and abuse going on in her home with her consent.

I chose to live the best life I can for my sake and the sake of my girls.

She has been just as affected by this disease as I have, I just chose to do something about it. And I have compassion for her as I know she is still suffering.

These men we married are those women's sons. Can you imagine what you would do if it was YOUR baby who's life was going down the toilet?

I feel compassion for my ex MIL. I am detached with love and I wish her all the best...from a distance.

angelchar375 · Veteran Member

gosh, thanks for so many wonderful ideas on how I can move on from this experience and the many more that will come my way in the future. She is the grandmother of my kids so she's not going away any time soon. It's really tough to really set that boundary and detach from such a toxic person. So I will just continue to work on me for now and not reach out to her until I can get to the point where I can really detach and set that boundary.

Andrea12 · ~*Service Worker*~

(((((((sister)))))),

Seems like you have your hands full, I can remember those days...lol...now mine are teens a 17 yr old son and a daughter 18 with a child of her own.

Listen, I don't think you said one wrong thing to mom-in-law. After all, the true fact is he is on drugs and you have all the responsibility.

Say what you mean, mean what you say just try and not say it mean.

Nothing wrong with speaking your mind.

ANdrea

MrsGratitude · Veteran Member

Wow Angel --- sounds like you are doing a great job of juggling a lot of stuff!!!

Healthy boundries helped me in that situation. My MIL knew her son was an A and she enabled him his entire life. I didn't know until years after we were married about all the drama going on behind the scenes. By then, I had quite a lot of Alanon in my life.

He used to (try to) play a little game I called Let's Watch You Two Fight. He would use hints, lies and promises to pit she and me against each other. Thankfully I wouldn't play and shrugged and walked off. I never blamed her. I knew she was also a prisoner of his disease. Neither of them had any type of recovery.

Thanking her for intrusive questions then giving only generic *I'm fine* answers also helped. I also used respect, respect, respect. Eventually I believe she came to respect me but my issue was my own situation and my own spiritual and mental health after living with an A for years.

Sending you love and ((hugs))
Mrs. Grat and her cat

maresie · ~*Service Worker*~

The ex A totally pitted me and his mother against each other. I was absolutely set up for that one. If you have two chldren to take care of there is no way you have to take care of the mother in law too! Any sane adult would know that clearly she has her own issues. If your husband is an active A as mine was I would not suggest you look for validation from him. I would say the best way I have found to deal with obnoxious people is to detach. There is a good primer at www.coping. org.

Remember her behavior has absolutely nothing whatsoever to do with you.

Maresie.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.