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I'm struggling with the desire to control my A. As I posted a few weeks earlier, his meeting attendance has decrease significantly and it takes everything inside of me NOT to speculate on this. My comments and overwhelming worry HAVE decreased but, not vanished.
Sometimes I feel I go to the completely OTHER SIDE of the spectrum from total obsession and worry and fear of an imminent relapse to total and utter denial of this possibility.
I still have this total urge to control in the sense that I can SEE an oncoming train if there is one.
Recently my A has been nonchalant about filling his medications. He is on an antidepressant and I am alarmed at the impulsive need to control that seems to surge within me. I find myself constantly calling him to remind him to refill it. When his doctor denied the refill, being as he is in PA and we are now in Florida, I nearly flipped out, as he does not have insurance through his job. I found myself telling him exactly what to do, verbatim and with such urgency.
It is really NOT my responsibility to watch over this. BUT I seem to be watching the way in which he treats this so casually and it frightens me. In my mind there is a connection with him off of his medication and relapse and this triggers the feelings of needing to control - when it really isn't mine to take care of.
I just am not quite sure how to handle this desire to control - OR to detach from it. I can apply it to his drug and alcohol abuse but it seems a bit more foggy in this area. But I feel in detaching from it, am I simply going to have to step back and watch an inevitable backslide on his end?
I know what you mean when it comes to the desire to control... I have learned in Al-anon, that my desire, has more to do with My Fear then the accual desire to control.. Only because I am always one or two steps "ahead" of the A in my life.. And Like you ... I feel what the outcome will be, if it does not follow thru..
Personally, I would find me my New F2F meeting and get the support that I need to get by.. Having support in this program has always found a way to bring me out of what ever slump I am in at the time...
You can Only Take care of yourself, and leave His HP take care of him...Doesn't make your life choices any easier, but the control you seek will only cause heart ache, if you don't keep your focus on YOU and YOUR recovery...This has been my experiance to it anyway...
Take what you like and leave the rest...
Will keep you in my prayers... Love & Prayers Jozie
My sponsor used to throw the "weather analogy" at me, when I was trying to control my A....
As he would say - "Tom, you have about as much control over your A as you do about the weather outside.... you can carry an umbrella or put on sunscreen, but you surely cannot change the actual weather!"
That one always helped me get back to (my) reality.
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
DO what I did ~ take that need to control and focus it completely on YOU. I think we all have the need to control so severely b/c we ourselves are out of control by focusing on others. Focus on you, control & change you, MYOB mind your own business - say when the thought comes for him to fill or take his meds, bring your awareness back to YOU. Once you start doing this & getting good poractise at it, you will feel you're in control, you'll be in control of yourself.
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
Givng up control is soo hard, especially for someone like me who has that *compulsive need to control* but what did that "need" do to me???? Drove me NUTS!!!
When the pain got bad enough (trying to control another person, place, thing) I wold finally throw up my hands and GIVE UP....and say it outloud to HP.....I GIVE UP!!!!!
THEN, a sense of release would come over me because I am not giving the darkness anymore energy and it would starve out of being deprived of any MORE negative energy from me.....THEN and only then would I see either the person /place/ thing would resolve itself, or go away!!! Either way, I am FREE...and I a focusing on ME and controlling the ONLY thing I can control and that is ME
There came a time when I understood that though my alcoholic wife and I were in a marriage the license didn't have any power and control rights. We were in it "together" as "separate" individuals and personalities. Part of the roles were support and help not take over and enable. It was hard for me to drop the "you're suppose to's" in favor of "I can support if you ask for it." There is a real difference between helping and enabling and a real benefit from knowing it.
ugh! do i know the feelings you are having!! today i had to go to court regarding my ex-A's violation of the restraining order i had to take out on him it was so upsetting and i know for sure that his primary worry wasn't that he had scared me and my family with his behavior but rather keeping himself out of jail what i learned through that relationship is that i have CHOICES i never felt i had the choice to leave a relationship with an A because i understood their disease and felt their behavior was therefore justifiable but after truly understanding that my weaknesses were intensified by his weaknesses and that even when i was following my program and healthy, he still may not be emotionally available, i decided i would not become romantically involved with another A for me it isn't worth sacrificing my time on Earth anymore i realized we would never have the relationship i need i was mistaking intensity for intimacy i thought my devotion to him would be reciprocated when he got well, but he never did keep up with your interests and healthy habits maintain your relationships with friends and family and be honest with yourself you deserve happiness and freedom from worry
well runner has anything u tried to control in the past worked ?? In our literature it says that we don't have the right to choose the method of recovery for anyone but ourselves . I get your fears and understand but if u truly understand that u are not responsible for his drinking ,then u will know u are not responsible for keeping him sober either . Work your own program and if he see's u continuing your meetings he just may follow . either way it's a win win situation for you , your will learn that control is but a fantacy and have it re enforced weekly til we get it . Al-Anon prints an awsome book called living with sobriety , i loved it lots of good stuff and plenty of reminders of what NOT to do .
I can relate very much. The ex A was how I defined my whole life. All my goals went out the window. There was only him and his welfare and his chaos. Now I have to keep working on detachment day in day out. My normal is to be overivolved.
I can so relate. I wrestle with this often from time to time. I pick it up and let it go and pick it up again and let it go again- its rough sometimes!
And sometimes its over the dumbest, smallest most idiotic stuff, too!!! HA!
For me, its good to just stop and give myself a break in all that. just lay it down and quit and stop EVERYTHING. Stop and turn it over to HP and kiss it all good bye. As soon as I see/feel myself doing it- stop. Plain and simple. Freeze. Stop. Notice. Then make the adjustment and let it go.
Here was my thing. I have a real thing about smells. There are certain things I love the the smell of and certain things I hate the smell of- its a real black and white issue for me (go figure, I know). Some smells make me really ill. Its some kind of weird sensitivity I have. ANYWAY, the guy I am seeing now wears some kind of deoderant that I really hate the smell of. I really like the man, am very attracted to him but really hate how he smells (OH THIS IS SOOO FUNNY as I write it!!). I just have to stop with all that. I just have to look at the good and wonderful parts (there are SO MANY) and let this detail go and generally speaking, I have but sometimes I wrestle and wrestle with myself about this. Such a massive waste of time and energy.
So, my trick is to just STOP when I notice I am doing this and gently have a little chat with myself and my HP. Hugs, J.
