The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
First of all thank you all for responding to my post yesterday, I always appreciate the ESH that comes from my MIP family, I have been carried more times than I can count by most of you here.
Several people (not just here) have voiced to me that maybe my problem is that I am "overdoing" AlAnon. It seems as though I am always here posting, or reading, or (as I am told-lol) talking about the program. To be honest right now I have about Five daily readers going all at the same time, on top of the other AlAnon readings from my regular books etc, I have quotes and slogans pasted throughout my home and office. I even have a notebook where I print out and keep different ESH that applies to me and helps me. I go to my weekly meetings, sometimes online meetings too, and talk to people between meetings. I am REALLY trying to do EVERYTHING I have been taught to do to make myself well and speed up my recovery. I just want to be better and be the old me again......the one from 18 years ago who had no fears.
Sometimes I think I am just at a plateau this week and I just need to keep doing everything I am doing and putting one foot in front of the other. And at other times I think--- I know me and when I FINALLY make my mind up to something I will give 110% to getting it done YESTERDAY. I know I have NO PATIENCE at all-my worst character flaw. But I think A LOT of it, a VERY HUGE PART is being afraid, afraid that if I don't devote every spare second to this program and make every bit of my life about this program right now, that I'll slip back into my old ways of seeing things, and old behaviors, and all the old hurt and pain. I do that now and am consistantly trying to work the program so I can't imagine if I didn't devote so much time to it. I read back on a lot of my old posts, and though I know this is a lifetime program for me, I have grown a lot in the past months and I can't let myself take a chance on a big slip. I need to find some sort of balance maybe, but I have NO IDEA where to begin to do that....and the thought of letting go of even a TINY bit of my program MORTIFYS me. Could this all be part of me trading one addiction (my EXABF) for another (my program)? Could I be hiding in my program?
So that is where I am today.......any ESH would be GREATLY appreciated... trying to keep it simple shelly
__________________
Put down the magnifying glass and pick up the mirror!
Personally I don't think so, I really dont quantify how much someone posts or not, if you need the support you need it, I just been through an incredibly difficult week and have really needed to read the posts, the pain was very great as I was dealing with things I had not had to do for a very long time. So I think you should keep the focus on you and not really worry about what everyone else thinks because that might not be right for you
I was that way in the beginning too! Give it time, your life will become more balanced.
But I know for me...after the amount of time I spend "submerged" in what that A in my life was doing, thinking, etc, etc, etc.... I know that taking the focus off her and putting onto something good for me was exactly what I needed.
I can't have to much love in my life and since Al-Anon is so full of love....well you get it!
Yours after 5 years of two meetings ftf a week, countless online meetings, reading literature, doing service work and living a bright shiny new life,
We definitely have the analytical-obsessive thing in common! I did get very involved in the program, as much as I could being isolated & depressed. I wasn't going out (to f2f mtgs) but I did hit up the two daily mtgs in the chat room & would spend long hours in chat & at the board. When other people said I was spending too much time online @ al-anon, I would consider it & back off. It usually left me feeling like I was doing the right thing for me in the first place. What's great about 12 step programs, is we determine what works well for us & what doesn't.
It is interesting you point out that you think your fear may be driving you. Whatever the reasons are, I dont personally think it's a negative/bad thing. I think the expression, 'hiding in program' refers to those who are spouting program but not actually applying it or doing the emotional work. If you're working it, how can you be using it to hide in?
I still come to this board daily, I go to the am mtgs now & stay in chat sometimes during the days. It's been four years for me here. I do not believe I'm an addict, from what I learned about them in AA/NA meetings, they use substances to avoid experiencing their feelings. I do not avoid my feelings. However I do have an extreme personality, I tend to be totally into something passionately or I dislike it failry passionately. I relate to giving 110%. The thing is, once I substitued me for all the other people I was once focuing on - giving 110% effort to *me* paid off in so many ways. I could reap the rewards of my full attention. Changing myself & taking responsibility for that was liberating and exciting. It motivated me to do more.
That's the thing about listening toother people -- they can only speak from their own experience or their preconceived ideas & judgements. I can make up my own opinion. I know I am complicated & different from everyone else. SO, in the past, when I considered that other's said I was doing al-anon too much, I slacked off & determined how I felt. Today I do what's right for me. Sometimes I have to experiment & see what is truly effective for me or not. I can continually try again, start over. I used to idalize other people & put their opinions over mine. Today I feel secure in trusting myself. Feel it out, only you can determine what's right for you.
Fear & guilt motivated me in most of codpenednet endeavors. I experienced a lot of fear working the program b/c most of these ideas & behaviors were totally new, therefore scary but I logically told myself, "you are only scared b/c this is new" and would walk through it anyway. That is the definition of courage, being fearful and doing it anyway. Today I dont allow my fear to stop me, I know if I walk/work through it, I am developing more courageous skills.
I'll add: I used to desperately want balance b/c I felt my personality was so extreme, however balance is a foreign concept to me. I decided to focus on getting healthy. It seems that I am getting some balance now that I'm more healthy, I just stopped focusing on it & it came more easily.
-- Edited by kitty on Thursday 14th of May 2009 07:48:27 AM
__________________
Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
Hmmmm, Shelly. I often say that I have piled Alanon on myself. I had been to treatment and CODA years ago. Before my AHsober moved out four years ago, a counselor had said to try Alanon. So I started going to meetings, buying the books, reading the literature, listen to speaker tapes, got a sponsor, the phone list, and came online at MIP. Sometimes I think I overdo it and so do some of my friends and family. However, the more I am in the program, the more healing and recovery I do, the more I understand the concepts, the more I know that I need all that the 12 step programs offer. I am an ACOA, married to an A drinking and sober, many, many relatives that are active A's, and my sons who are ACOA's. All the more reason to have guidance through others ESH. Sometimes I realize that this is all that I have. With that said, I make deals with myself to spend Alanon free time sometimes part of a day or all day. No tapes, books, MIP. Just get thru the day with my new skills and trust in my HP to help me make progress. I do whatever I can to take care of myself and help me let go of my character defects. Some days I literally have to pile Alanon tools on me. Other days I am so confident and mature. I too just want to get better.
When I hit my bottom, I was attending 8-9 alanon meetings a week and any open AA meetings I could get to. I had 3 kids (the baby was just 5 weeks old) and I brought them along with me to most meetings as I couldn't afford a sitter. I was a wreck. The ONLY thing that was keeping me sane or giving me any sense of peace was being in a meeting. I made calls daily, 2-3 times a day, read the dailies cover to cover and back again. I jumped into this program with both feet. I did that for years. I let this program soak into me.
Learning new ways to live is different than escaping life by using a sunstance or a person. I wasn't "using" this program as a means of escape. I was working it to save my life. I am NOT exaggerating.
I am not addicted to alanon. I am a grateful member. This program saved my life.
I was addicted to my ex. Insted of turning that addiction onto another person, I decided that I wanted a new life free of addiction to anyone or anything. Alanon offered that to me and I accepted.
You do what you have to do to survive and thrive. Listen to your heart and soul and your HP.
I am working my program with industrial strength at the moment without it I would be in one heck of a bad place
I too have a few daily readers and loads of other lit, I go to meetings, have recovery friends, am just getting to start working step 4. I check in here at least twice a day. I meditate, and spend every spare moment on my recovery. I keep very busy doing healthy stuff. Yes somedays it does feel like I do nothing but recovery work, thats just what I need to do at this present moment. I will do anything to keep myself away from old behaviours.
It can be exhausting and somedays you dont get those 'aha' moments or feel the progress but it is there. It doesnt all have to be hard work, you can do nice stuff like pampering or listening to your favourite tunes, stuff that makes you feel good. Dont worry about how much you are getting into your recovery just keep getting into it.
Theres a saying that goes something like.....
Look down at your feet there right where their supposed to be.
Oh and by the way, your posts help others here so please keep on posting
I think when I "over do" recovery is when I am feeling like I NEED to be...Like when I am feeling regression or I am having an extra hard tme of it...
as a co-dependent or co-addict, I can get too hung up on another and not focus on me...so recovery work and MORE recovery work., but yea, the tendency to not *trust* that I am healing fast enough tempts me to "well I must need recovery MORE because I am not 'getting it' fast enough"....
I just have to "chill" and TRUST that an honest amount of time spent on me and my program is ENOUGH......I keep telling me that there is "more to life" than just RECOVERY....Like at first, 5 years ago...All I did was work and recovery....I got resentful and tired and MORE hating my parents because I was losing yet MORE life...1st to the abuse....NOW to recovery...So I "backed off" a bit....."EASY DOES IT".......I just kept repeating that slogan....."EASY DOES IT" and when I started getting into my HP, I am learning that I can "rest in HP" and TRUST HP and ME that I am doing OK and its "ok to live and have fun" too....Like this is NOT all there is in my life.....so I am finding BALANCE
When I first came back here, it was after break up wiht my shrink who was NOT helping me but triggering me..Telling me "you gotta do................." and so, yea, I came here with a "vengeance".....multiple posts, esh, meets etc. because I was soo afraid that dumping a bad shrink would set me back to square one....well?? it did NOT!!! I am OK....Gonna do other stuff today....I figure if I work the boards for about an hour and then a few meets during the week, I am OK......
I can see myself getting "hooked" on al-anon if I let it...Its like a security blanket for me......My old thinking was "omg, if I am not doing recovery work all the time, I am gonna fall apart".......Now I am not so bad....I can take breaks w/out feeling guilty or the sky is gonna fall on me........
I would never tell someone that they are overdoing this Program. I think that in crisis times, we do what we need to do to live as happy, joyous and free as we can.
When I first came to Program, I bookended my weekend with F2F meetings, bought all the literature I could, visited a few message boards on the internet and started getting involved in service work. I needed to learn all that I could about the disease--his and mine.
As I became more grounded in the Program, I achieved a sort of balance (although I slip sometimes and take on more than I should). I stopped going to the Monday night meeting because it was a meeting in the problem--not in the solution. I focused on service work, because as the Al-Anon booklet states, "when I got busy, I got better." I realized that I slowly started to rely less on the internet and started to form personal relationships with folks in my meetings, which led to coffee dates and dinners before meetings. Now, I am able to miss a meeting here and there, but I have learned the hard way that if I go 3 weeks without my home group meeting, it is a bad thing for me.
So, it is really all about you and what you need. What does your sponsor say?? Where are you on working the Steps?? The most important thing for me in the early days was to try to stay in the Solution and not in the obsession over the A.
Yours in Recovery,
SLS
__________________
Do not be anxious about tomorrow; tomorrow will look after itself. The Bible, from Courage to Change, p.138
Is meditation part of your practice? Meditation is necessary for me. Get still, turn off my brain and let HP's peace be with me. HP works best with an unblocked channel. Get calm. Be still. Let HP take control.
The people who tell me I am addicted to al-anon are not in recovery. What other people think, is none of my business. I have always adhered to the suggestion of taking care of myself, whatever that looks like.
In the early days, I recall feeling as you describe, I want recovery NOW. My sponsor often told me, Easy does it. (There is wisdom in that little slogan.) It is unreasonable to expect immediate results. I've been codependent for over 40 years, it's just unreasonable to expect I'll change so quickly. Program taught me this is NOT a self-help program. I am not going to fix me, my HP is.
But, my dis-ease wants to rush things along. My ego tells me, "You should know this by now."
In God's time, I will. God will determine the time-table for my recovery, not me. Easy does it.
-- Edited by glad lee on Friday 15th of May 2009 05:52:28 AM
__________________
The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
The people who tell me I am addicted to al-anon are not in recovery. What other people think, is none of my business. I have always adhered to the suggestion of taking care of myself, whatever that looks like.
OMG...My EX shrink told me that...She said that I was "into the 12 steps tooo much" I told her that "12 steps / al-anon/ acoa has been my ROCK...MY place of recovery and I was NOT going to back off from it...I was gonna do it as much as I need to...Yea, in crisis I need it more as somene here said...When things are OK, I can "relax" a bit, but NEVER NEVER do I stay away for more than a few days.....That shrink actually had the nerve to TELL me that I didn't need the 12 steps so much.................Well???? Guess what???? PROGRAM is HERE........SHRINK is GONE!!!
I will NEVER give up the program...Yea, I may take "breaks" as needed, but not too long....1st..I need maintenance of all this hard work I have done......2nd..I miss my recovery mates....
In the beginning, I did kinda get "sour" coz all I did was work and recovery, and I felt like "is this all there is to my life???" But back then I HAD to go the extra mile.....I see me now and say "yea, all that butt breaking work DID pay me BIG TIME in healing"....Thank God the worst is over for me and I can "go it" more balanced....Like tennis is coming up.....Gonna do stuff with/for me and have some FUN!!!!! But I am stayin in the 12 steps programs.....I am al-anon'er, an acoa, a codie......I got literature and workbooks on all of them......What ever it takes for me to heal, I am gonna do it......
Lately life has been "ok" aside from my shrink triggering me and what did I do??? I RAN here!!!! But even when things are great, and I take a few days off, I am not stayin off.....I think I could go back to old patterns if I stayed away for too long.....
If I were to get "hooked" on anything, At least Al-anon et al is a healthy way to be hooked......My old sponsor, said he was "healed" and he quit the program....VERY scary!!!! I think as sick as I was, I am gonna need "maintenance" work for the rest of my life , at least...I was just too sick....AND when in crisis , because of my limited/hampered coping skills, yea, I am comin to the boards, meets and work the hell out of it.......Then, things will *balance* out again and I can go on "cruise control"
I re-read my earlier post and some of it I didn't clarify...Hope this sheds some decent ESH to you
when I was asked that question , I decided I was addicted to living m y life to the fullest and Al-Anon taught me to do that sooooooooooo. It sure beats being addicted to the alcoholic . Doncha think ??? Just had a thought , are the people who are asking the question Al-Anon members or so called normies ??? Or u may have done what I did in the beginning , what I was learning I HAD to share with my friends , even if they didn't ask hehe . so I was a little off the wall occasioanlly early in my recovery . I learned to just live what I was learning , and only talk about program if asked . takes time .
-- Edited by abbyal on Thursday 14th of May 2009 02:32:41 PM
I was on all the time in the beginning. When you leave an A relationship and it has been your whole existence for however long it leaves a big empty hole that needs to be filled with something. This was that something for me and still is somewhat but I have added other things to my life that fill the void and now feel whole again. I think this is what you are talking about. I'm a little obsessive too (that's a serious understatement) and needy as well. I have finally found the place where I can be happy alone and accept disappointment but every now and then I have to remind myself not to rely on others for my happiness. I think you should do whatever makes you happy. Try new things at every opportunity because I found a lot of things that I LOVE to do that I would never have guessed about myself in the beginning and made GREAT friends while doing it. That's my esh on the subject, hope it helps.
Give it time, your life will become more balanced. 
