Hi Megan - Yes - lots of memories - of doing the same thing over and over. It took physical violence to get me out - and then I came back when he promised it wouldn't happen again.

How about packing a bag with a few essentials and keeping it in a closet or the trunk of your car - that way you would feel you have a choice.

Sometimes the fact that we have a choice helps us feel less helpless.

Just my thoughts. Try not to be too hard on yourself and do something nice for you everyday.

Love in recovery - Dot
((((((((((((Megan))))))))))

I went to a motel a couple of times, when I felt that it was not safe to have the kids there. Didn't change anything, came back the next day, he was good for a week or so and then....
After the second time, I saw how much damage all this was doing to the kids, and vowed that if I ever felt I had to leave again, I would not come back. Put packed bags and some money in the trunk of the car. This was for me a real turnaround. Just knowing that the choice was there made a big difference in my reactions to his behaviour. Things really changed for us at this time. I don't know if it was my new detachment, or if he got scared and realized that he really could lose us, or just the grace of God. He still kept drinking, and stepped up his drug use, but the abuse tapered off, and then stopped all together. He did not sober up for another three years, though.

Hi Megan!  I was stuck in the same situation it seems you are in, for a very long time.  With two different relationships actually.  One was my 11-year marriage to an A, and then some years after my divorce, I was doing the same dance with another one!   Eventually, and with the help of a therapist, I came to see that I had a very powerful addiction to NOT BEING ABANDONED!  I was willing to suffer just about anything with anyone, rather than risk going it alone. I think this is particularly powerful in women,(because of being socialised to belong to a man) but there must be men who have feelings like this too.  My father was an alcoholic from the time I was very young, and my mother was locked away in a mental hospital, so I ended up in an orphanage for several years.  Then I was sent to a foster home when I was 12, and then lived with my older sister for the remaining school years.  Needless to say, this led to terrifying feelings of abandonment, as well as entering the world as an adult with zero skills in how to relate to people and how to find a healthy partner.

Thanks to working the Al-Anon program for these past several years, I have come to find a home within myself, relate better to other people, and have a partner now with whom I have a pretty good friendship.  One day at a time, one breath at a time, one prayer at a time, it does get better!

There is hope!

Hang in there, and know that you deserve to get the help you need.

With love and good wishes,

seachange

Hi Megan

I was in love with a man for almost 18 yrs ...we dated for 10 , got married for 7 then divorced

he is an A and a verbal/ emotional and sometimes physical abuser

i read a LOT of books I went to a lot of therapy and of course alanon

i was hard core LOYAL i was so sure the *one great lover per lifetime per customer * thing was true

alanon helped me detatch ...but in my case i came to learn that the abuse nad the drinking were 2 separate things , his treatment center warned me this was the case , but i could not hear them and did not believe it

i once went to a battered womens suport group and all they squacked was GET OUT ...that didnt help

here was what finally made sense to me

I stayed for 3 or 4 reasons , that were rooted in my childhood

#1) his abuse was intermitent ...he was jekyl & hyde ...so as awful as he was on Monday .. he was incredible on wednesday ...i never kew which man i was coming home to , bbut there was enuf GOOD that i always HOPED i was gonna get the "good one" 

this is called INTERMITENT REINFORCEMENT  ...it is like the rat that is trained by pressing a lil button ... he presses the button and at first ... he gets food pellets ( to teach him to press the button and hook him) THEN after he is trained .. they sometimes ZAP him with an eletric jolt... then they increase it to a 50 %  -50% ratio ...ie the rat has a 50% chance of food OR pain and GUESS WHAT
the rat will PRESS THE BAR EVERY TIME ANYWAY ....even a lab rat can hope

#2) I see abuse as a Ferris Wheel .... we are riding with our man ....we board the ride we ride Up up UP to the TOP where is is WONDERFUL as the ride begins to cycle down ... there is ABUSE and it continues all the way down ... the abuse wears us down , we lose our reserves and stength and by the time we get to the bottom of the ride where we MIGHT actually get OFF ... we  are too weak/downtrodden/tired /afraid / hopeful  to disembark ....so we stay on the ride and guess what ?

He gets GOOD again ... he acts the man we fell in love with and we dont WANT to leave the GOOD part of him .... so we ride the wheel and it goes around and around like that

#3) The Repition Compulsion ....simply stated ... what ever we lacked emotionally in our childhood ( attention love approval praise validation intimacy ) we crave in our adult hood...so we subconsciuosly attract a mate who treats us in the way the lesser of our parents did ... and something in  the subconscious says to us THIS TIME i can get it RIGHT ... i am an adult now i can MAKE THIS ONE WORK ....and we are compelled to repeat this , until it is pointed out that we are doing this .

OK ...so that was 25 yrs of therapy bolied down in 10 minutes ...but they are the non - alanon keys that opened the door to my prison of abuse and settling for an A

of course Alanon is the BIG KEY ...the place where i am healing from the affects of all the stuff i just wrote

i too, had a *safe bag*  for 4 yrs  , and i never went to bed w/out hiding my pocket book and keys

I cant TELL you how many times i fled my own home *sighs*

He is gone now 4 yrs .... and i have never EVER experienced this sort of nonsense since

I am NOT suggesting you do or not do anything ... just hoping to pass along some stuff that helped me unlick my mind to get free

Much love and support to you

Fiona

*HUGS*

Don't be too hard on yourself.  I, too, always said, I would go away for three days "just to think"  --sort things out.  I always wished I had the courage to do so.  I was too afraid to be alone when I got there.  I was already lonely.   Maybe you could take a friend?  Food for thought.

Dearest Meagan,

If i have helped even a little bit , you have made my day

people outside my marriage were quick to judge me and wonder why i didnt just leave

i honestly felt i could love the man , and dislike the behavoir ...and live with it , the good times had me hooked ,people accused me of having HIM as my drug ... which was an insult in a way , as I was taught that none of us are perfect , and most of us love imperfect people ... i thought i was being loving and kind and loyal to stay with him , besides , I was crazy mad for his good side

it wasnt until it was REAL Clear that one of us was gonna die , that felt that push to ask him to go

he had been wanting to go for a long time ... he wanted to "drink like he wanted to drink" he acxted more and MORE outrageous , until I finally could stand it no more

i was so  depressed over what our life had become , i was sucidal ...he did this with his 1st wife too ... he acted so outrageous , she finally had him arrested and ended it ... as did I AND the 3rd woman *sighs*

some of  what allowed me to stay is my misguided sense of loyalty and belief in romance and true love , and *better or worse*

The minister who married us told me "God does not want you to be this unhappy ... had I known what he was doing , I probably would have refused to marry you to him .... he has stolen your "personhood"

but ... i let him ... a classic thing that happens to battered and emotionally battered women is called "learned helplessness" and it is just what it sounds like it is.

Ie we start out strong and confident ... but years of being picked on , belittled , 2nd guessed , walking on eggshells ..etc  can erode a person's self confidence

That happened to me ....I let it all go too far ... I kept hoping he would want to change .. or that I could "love him better"  *sighs* 

I have been lucky my Higher Power got my attention and has kept it ... my needs have been met ...I have someone in my life now who adores and respects me .. I never have to *audition* for the relationship ... it is sooo different

i will always feel a love for my ex , i still sometimes feel sad that we couldnt have what I saw as a normal life ... but the disease had other plans

i now see myself freed, in a way ... i have my sad days ...but they come from ME , not from someone being mean to me

i am SO glad you are in alanon .. there are so many miracles for us here when we become willing to ask for help

we can get through anything , when we stick together ...please keep coming back and stay safe !

Much love,

Fiona