The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I know it's nowhere near Christmas, but I just had thoughts of the classic Jimmy Stewart / Frank Capra movie "It's A Wonderful Life". It truly is a film with many lessons and a timeless message - and it occurred to me that there's a specific message in it for we codependents too.
At the heart of the film's crisis, George discovers his savings & loan is short $8000 because his uncle lost the money. In his moment of greatest desperation, who does he go to first? His devoted wife? His many friends? No, he goes to Mr. Potter - the person least likely to help him. Why? Does he believe that Potter is the only one powerful enough to help him? Or is he just surrendering to the inevitable, that due to his uncle's mistake, he now has to hand over everything he has fought for? Of course Potter - who is as responsible for the missing money as anyone - not only refuses to help, he realizes that he now holds all the cards and takes advantage of the opportunity to ruin George once and for all. Once this happens, George spirals downward quickly, drinking, angry at everyone, angry mostly at himself, and goes down to the bridge to kill himself. Which is where the angel intervenes and the real story begins.
Of course we know the rest - the angel shows George what the world around him would have been like had he never been born. All of his friends and family whose lives he had touched are far worse without him. When George awakes from this nightmare and finds himself back where he was - on the bridge at the moment of his own suicide, he is overcome with what I call "exploding joy" and embraces his world *exactly as it is* in that moment.
But the Alanon part of it is this: when we are in a crisis, how often do we turn to the person least likely to help? When we are in trouble, or just hurting, do we go to our closest friends, to a sponsor, to a counselor, to our Higher Power? Nope... we go to the alcoholic. Why? Is it just because he or she "owes us"? LOL. In the worst of our disease, we seek love in all the wrong places. Or we bargain for conditional love - ending up on the short end of the stick every time, instead of receiving the unconditional love that is there. Sometimes it does take the intervention of an angel to realize it. Is the love of the alcoholic somehow more special because it's so rare? I know I've frequently been attracted to women whom you might call "emotionally unavailable", "aloof", "self absorbed", etc. In part because it's a challenge - if such a person does respond, it can be a wonderful moment. It's just rare... and we become obsessed with attaining the increasingly unattainable. We crawl back to Mr. Potter for the 100th time, appealing to his nonexistent generosity. Maybe we fantasize these people will have an epic reversal of character. Like Ebenezer Scrooge or The Grinch, they will have a miraculous change of heart. It does happen - I've seen it happen within the miracle rooms of 12 step programs. But it doesn't happen on our schedule, or by our hand. It happens in God's time, by His Hand. In the mean time, holding your breath can be suffocating!
I found all I had to do was just accept the gifts that are given to me - not to be repaid, but to be thankful for and put to use to the best of my ability. Maybe that's just all too easy, and maybe that's why it took me so long to get it.
So who's your Mr. (or Ms) Potter? What do you seek from them over and over, when you know they can not or will not provide it?
(((Barisax))) Thank you soooo much for that share-it was really awesome, and your honesty....My EXABF LOVED the chase but would never admit to it.....when he caught me is when everything really started to change. And isn't it funny how we all run to the A for X,Y,Z, KNOWING that person is the least likely able to provide what we need? Maybe it is just the hoping that they can change like the Grinch-lol. Definitely something to think about:)
thanks for sharing shelly
__________________
Put down the magnifying glass and pick up the mirror!
Thankyou for that Barisax, I really enjoyed reading it, for me it was a gentle reminder to stop looking for the answers outside of myself, I do know the answers. both right and wrong, just need practice, practice, practice, on doing the next right thing!
Thanks Barisax for such a great metaphor, who is my Mr. Potter? Definitely my dry drunk husband. I keep going to over and over for support and receiving none, or rarely receiving any. Like today I have a class from 5:00 to 8:30 p.m. that is about an hours drive away. He said he'd be here to help my 86 year old mom and 11 year old daughter with getting dinner. I have it all made up for them, but thought he could help my mom, since she is unsteady on her feet. I guess my 11 year old daughter will be shouldering the responsiblities of an adult this evening. I hate it that I can't be here for them, but I have to pursue college to better myself so I can provide for them. (I'm not providing for my husband by the way, who is unemployed and living apart from us.)
WOW!!! soooo true and BOY could I relate!!! NOW my Potter is my HP and me FIRST and to a point, trusted and loved close ones......CERTAINLY not the ones who are not there for me....
I couldn't say that b4 recovery....I went to ALL the wrong people for love and validation and help, et al...Got let down and added to the layers of resentment and lack of trust.............
WOW!!! awesome post.....I can see so much hope and growth in only 5-1/2 years, almost, in recovery......
Just last week, my car was hit in a parking lot while I was in the store. An eyewitness suggested that I call the police. Well, nothing like this has never happened to me before. Who did I call first? Yep, my exAH.
Afterwards, I wondered why I never thought to call ANYONE else!
Dang.
__________________
The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
After I made this post I had the nagging feeling I left something out. I did.
When George goes to Potter, and Potter is enjoying his predicament, one of the things he says is that if George goes to all of his "friends" in the town for help, "They'll run you out of town on a rail". George *believes* this lie. Told to him by his enemy, in his moment of desperation. He believes it without even checking it out... even a little, and he's ready to do himself in.
Haven't we done the same with our alcoholics? In their worst moments, they've told us we're worthless, that nobody cares about us -- except for the tiny crumb the A throws us now and then? And we believe it. We grow to hate the person, but in doing so we bring ourselves down to their level. When they condemn us, we have no defense - we see ourselves covered in mud.
Great literature and films are full of moments when the villian tells a huge lie, and the good guys believe it - when we know they should know better. They believe it, with tragic results.
One very memorable time this happened to me. 27 years ago this month. Before I was sober, before AA, before Alanon. I bought a big lie... but not for long. Some friends gave me a mini "It's a Wonderful Life" moment. It was a very small thing, but it woke me up to the folly of depending on another person to build me up and make me feel important - when that same person has the power to stomp me to the gutter and walk away.
Thank you for sharing Barisax. This is soooooo true!!!
My entire life I used my qualifiers as Mr. Potter. I was too gullible for words, believing every lie I was ever told. I always believed that I was too unimportant to lie to, so I figured who would lie to me? Who would bother? Why go to the effort to lie to such an insignificant person? This came from being raised in the chaos of an alcoholic home.
Many years of Alanon and daily working a program slowly changed my beliefs. Now alcoholics are the last persons I believe, even tho I sometimes wrestle with *the alcoholics get it right sometimes* guilt mentality that holds on and on and on...
