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I have been on this site off and on and have had many good responces which is appreciated. My b/f who is a severe alcoholic/ bipolor and then started smoking crack. I hung in there for app 8 yrs, stuck with him through prison, through many breakups i always went back until this time. Was bad enough with the constant drinking detox and treatments it never was going to end. He refused to take his meds for the bipolor, his drinking and behaviors just got to be to much for me. When the crack started the violent and real crazy stuff started, so i left and moved out of state leaving alot behind. He has continued to call my sister asking to talk or for me to call him and not understanding why i would leave him?? he knows as we discussed it so many times, His drinking and other problems had become my life, I lost myself along the way. Now he is lonely and still doing the same thing. I did love this person or i would not have stayed with him so long and put up with all the bad things i had, I really feel bad for him and care, but know this time thinking with my head it was the right choice for me, I was hoping that when i moved out and he finally had to rely on only himself things may be better for him also. My delema is now do i write him a letter to explain again my reasons etc etc and tell him this time i can not come back..which he should no by now. I know i can not call as i know the pleading crying and begging will have me once again where he wants me. b/c in my heart i do love the person i saw very seldom but also have alot of resentment and anger that i wasted so many years waiting and hoping for a change. not only resenting him for this but myself as well. I thought if i write at least it will be a final closure for him and him knowing that i did love him and i feel no hatred towards him only the disease that caused all the things i have been through with him and the fact that he could never really try to stick with a program and do what needed to be done. I am feeling so hurt as i said before i did love him and he always said he loved me, but i don't really think he was cabable of showing that due to his problems, i am so afriad he will just die, they will find him dead as they did many of his friends, and i could do nothing to save him as he is doing nothing. Crazy thinking on my part after all he and the insane relationship has done to me. anyway this is where i am at now and need some advice please!! thanks again for reading this long post and for any advice... M
Sounds like a couple of my relationships. I think if it helps YOU to write a letter then go for it. I wouldn't necessarily send it but you can write it. I have written letters that have expressed how I feel almost in the exact words you put here. I believe that you are going to die... I love you but I can't be with you because of the insanity... etc. You said you wanted to write the letter to help him come to closure but really if it is written it should be to help you. I know I express myself better in writing AND I too felt the vacuum sucking me back in whenever I talked to him. For me, no contact at all while he was in prison was the best thing I ever did for myself. I think I sent maybe one or two letters in almost a year. After you are away from the chaos for enough time you begin to see it for what it is. It becomes very unattractive after your spirit has a chance to heal itself. I know it hurts and it's hard but the worst part is over. For me filling up every moment of my time with something to do really helped take my mind off him and get it back where it needs to be - on me. Before my life was empty when I left him because my life truly did revolve around him. Now I can't find enough time to do all the things I want to do with all the people I want to do them with. I was bored and lonely for a long time, now there's never a dull moment but it's not because of someone else's imposed chaos, its because my life is very full and complete.
I agree with Carolina girl, write the letter, but do it for you. It sounds like you have made it clear to him why you left and if he is not accepting it at this time that is his problem. Find yourself a f2f alanon meeting to get to and read lots of literature and take care of yourself during this time. It is hard, because you are grieving the loss of a realtionship. But in time you will find that this was the best decision for you. Good luck to you!
If it were me in your shoes.... I would write a letter, for my OWN good, and then place it in a bottle, and go throw it in the ocean.... It would appear to me that writing a letter, for HIS good, is not of any value to anyone....
Just my two cents Tom
__________________
"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
In the past I have written letters to my exbf, some I've sent, some not. The actual process of just writing the letter is really helpful, sort of gives you the chance to get your feelings out. Personally I have to keep a close eye on my reasons for initiating contact as I am hooked right back in there within a blink of an eye. Any contact can be toxic for me. I agree with you on not talking over the phone especially if you are feeling vunerable. Your grieving right now and it hurts. I recall you saying you'd moved far away from him for your own safety. Have you got good people around you who you can turn to? Are you able to get to f2f meetings? I always found that I missed my ex more when I was feeling lonely. The only way I can stop worrying about him is to keep the focus on me and stay very very busy. ''Detaching is hard and does take alot of practice'' I thought these were just words untill I tried to actually detach from my ex.
Please take care of yourself, and do something nice for you. Focus on your recovery.
If it were me in your shoes.... I would write a letter, for my OWN good, and then place it in a bottle, and go throw it in the ocean.... It would appear to me that writing a letter, for HIS good, is not of any value to anyone....
Just my two cents Tom
I go with Tom on this one-----------Do it for YOU!!! This guy is soooo toxic and dangerous.......All this is HIS problem, not yours.....HE will have to learn his OWN lessons........I hope you just keep working the program....12 steps big time....and if you don't have a sponsor, how about a good recovery friend to work wiht???? that is what I do..........
You deserve a HELLUVA lot better than this!!!! remember the 3 c's.......I didn't CAUSE.....I cannot CONTROL....and I damn sure cannot CURE..........As you work the program and find YOU...You will see that you learned some big, important lessons here and now its time to GO.......
Awesome E, S & H before me. I, too, can understand - my A was also an addict so we had on and off times of drugs and alcohol making the times that were CLEAN sparse prior to any attempt at recovery.
I can remember the ENERGY and TIME I put into trying to make my ABF "See the light." It was exhausting - but I was tirelessly working to make him see how amazing a life we could have, if he could just GET and STAY clean and sober.
I am with the others, when they say write the letter FOR YOURSELF. My sponsor has always taught me to EXAMINE MY MOTIVES in any given situation. AM I doing x, y, or z to elicit a certain response/reaction from someone? Is this a covert form of manipulation on my part? Just my experience and the inventory I have to take of my intentions when I engage in something I'm not sure I should be doing - it helps to keep me honest with myself.
If it were me in your shoes.... I would write a letter, for my OWN good, and then place it in a bottle, and go throw it in the ocean.... It would appear to me that writing a letter, for HIS good, is not of any value to anyone....
I like this one... write it for yourself, it will make no difference to him.
To quote Khan Noonian Singh... "Let him eat static!"
Yes I am in agreement that You should write the letter, ONLY FOR YOU! If for ANYONE else, "Let them write their own" ... Do it for you, and after you do... Stuff it in your God Box, and see if it still ways on your mind...If it does.. Throw it in the mail box, and be done...
I have learned that the more I Write about it, the less it effects me :) I get it out on paper... ALL OF IT, and once I work thru my tears, and my pain when I "Re-read" it... I put it in God's Hands...But just get'n it OUT, I feel like i have given ME New Life :)
No One Can tell you what to do, that choice has to be yours alone...The Fact that you "Got Out" of a violant, toxic, addictive relationship means that you have Inner Strength that you have been shelving for a while... Good For You for Making that Move... Now keep up the good work and Stay in the NOW, leave the past were it lies, and get out and enjoy the New You... The One YOU want to be ;) It isn't goin to be easy...But what ever is? Get yourself to a F2F meeting, meet new people, and like above... Get Busy...
You Got This... Look How Far You Have Come :) Love & Prayers Jozie
Jozie
-- Edited by Jozie on Wednesday 13th of May 2009 01:32:55 PM
