The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I just needed to come to the board...Ive been so much stronger, getting out and about, meeting new people and re-establishing old friendships and importantly, sorting my finances etc and now I feel utterly flat. I have effectively cut my exAH out of my life, not responding to his various communications, all trying to make himself look like a nice guy, but Im suddenly feeling overwhelmed with sadness and my heart feels like its going to stop...I havent had this feeling for ages, Its like all over again, Im getting the horrors that hes really gone. I hate the fact I dont know what hes doing, after 7 years I suppose thats normal, but I was doing so well, feeling strong and now I just feel like isolating, curling up in bed and hang the world. I seem to be missing him more now, with all the information I have about his lies and things, I cant understand what Im even missing, perhaps its because my life has quietened down and my sources of strength see me as being better, when really I am holding on by my fingernails..I take my dog for walks and feel so alone, I feel like Ive built a very wobbly structure and its starting to come down again. I cant stop thinking about him, wondering, remembering, its awful. Thanks for listening. Lilly.
It's perfectly normal what you are feeling Lilly. I remember when I left my first husband I felt so impowered, on cloud nine, like I could do anything, then bam the bottom fell out and I missed him terriblely. It took me awhile to completely get over this because what your experiencing is the death of a relationship and you have to go through the five stages of grief: 1. denial 2. Anger 3. bargaining 4. depression and finally 5. acceptance.
Get yourself to as many f2f meetings as you can, come in here and keep posting, let us know how you are doing, try the on-line al-anon chat it helps too, as do the meetings. Keep your head up and steady as she goes! You'll make it!
yep, java is sooo right. These people have huge personalities and when they leave, they leave massive holes in our lives. It takes time to heal and to fill in that huge empty space with healthy effective things and people. Al-anon meetings filled much of that space for me- meetings, conferences, service work, time w/sponsor. Also, taking a class, starting up a new hobby or practice or sport helps, too. Its going to be rough at times- and not so bad at other times. But one day at a time, it will get better- I promise! hugs, J.
(((Lily)))) You are doing well and what you are feeling is PERFECTLY normal. We don't just end relationships and totally forget the time together overnight (God I wish we did) I take 2 steps forward and 3 back all the time, but am seeing the the time that passes in between the steps is further and further apart.
You're hurt, you have every right to be. You're angry-you were betrayed and have every right to be. Don't sell your progress to date short-YOU HAVE COME A LONG WAY!!!!!! You inspire so many of us here with your strength-especially me!
Just take the time to feel what you are feeling, try to get to some meetings or talk with your sponsor if you have one, and most importantly take care of you. If you need to rest-REST. If you need to be angry-BE ANGRY. If you need to cry and be sad-CRY AND BE SAD. You are entitled to your feelings......feel them and then you will be more easily able to move through to the other side. But whatever don't be hard on yourself........this program is all about PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION:)
We love you here,,,,,,,keep coming back Shelly
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Put down the magnifying glass and pick up the mirror!
I don't think our recovery is ever a completely straight line Lilly, even though we always want it to be.... You'll have good days and bad days, for certain..... I'd encourage you in two ways:
1. Be gentle on yourself - you're moving forward 2. Expand your timeframe for reference - i.e. compare how you thought/felt six months ago versus today, or even longer if need be.... I think you'll find that you're pretty impressed with how far along you have come....
Take care Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
Oh I remember when my ex AH and I broke up in May 2000
First I felt kinda "numb" Shell shock.......So I just kinda "exhisted"
Then the realization came in.....ITS OVER!!! I am not gonna talk with him again
I was LOST.....WHO was I?? Who was this stranger I was now stuck with???(not in recovery yet).... WHAT am I gonna do?????
I was totally unaware of WHO...WHAT I was....NOW what???
So I went back and forth from anger to grief, then I finally said "ENOUGH...I gotta "find a life" somehow.........
I joined up with this tennis / swim club and began to make friends, THEN my cousin moved out of state....It was almost more than I could bear....
TWO losses within a couple of months....I was like I was almost down for the count......So MORE grief...MORE feeling abandoned.......
I got really into the tennis....Focused on Work and tennis....Nothing else......FINALLY I drug myself into recovery and began to FIND ME!!!! Like each day, I am being re-united with this "lost person" who had to have OTHERS validate her exhistence....validate her right to be alive/loved/noticed/valued, et al
In recovery I am finding that I am never really alone...I got HP....Me.....Loving family, albeit long distance, and a new friend here......AS I love me/ connect with me/ connect with my HP/ let it begin with me.....I attract better situations....better people.......It was slow, but it is happening....I am getting there......I spent 13 years with my Ex AH....My cousin who left , comes back now, and visits and may move here and spend 1/2 here and 1/2 up in Mass and we may "throw in together" on a place......Its in HP's hands...and its OK now that I am alone b/c I am with me..HP....Its OK!!!! God has a good plan for me because I am reaching out for it because I am loving and connecting with me, FINALLY!!!
canadianguy wrote:I don't think our recovery is ever a completely straight line Lilly, even though we always want it to be.... You'll have good days and bad days, for certain..... I'd encourage you in two ways:
1. Be gentle on yourself - you're moving forward 2. Expand your timeframe for reference - i.e. compare how you thought/felt six months ago versus today, or even longer if need be.... I think you'll find that you're pretty impressed with how far along you have come....Take careTom
WOW!!! This is sooo true...Even when I am having a "down day", I am seeing that I AM moving forward...and yea, the line is NOT straight........I look at old posts of mine and I cannot believe the growth in me....Looking at old posts, old journals, makes me hopeful that even on my crappiest day now, it is WAY better than my best day b4 recovery.......2 steps fore----1 step back...........Keep hangin in there and taking care of YOU.....You are WORTH it
Thank you so much for all your posts. I just took Shelleys advice and had a REST! I was feeling disappointed in myself today, have been for a few days and now thanks to your wonderful posts, I see that I am allowed to feel like this, It is normal and doesnt mean Im not still on the road to recovery, it just isnt as you say, a straight line. Thank you again all. Love Lilly X
