I have experienced tremendous guilt over the years -- guilt kept me acting codependently, it urged me to jump through hoops, dance, beg anything to get the approval from my mother.  I tried everything in my codependency & my issues were pretty deep.  I had to work out/through my issues with abandonment & people pleasing.  Those guilty feelings kept me going back to my old unhealthy ways, trying to "read people's minds" & do what I thought I had to, instead of just using very clear communication.
   I had & did try this tactic with my mother but it rarely gave results - to speak directly to her about codependency b/c she hadn't looked at her issues with it, ever apparently.  She just stuffed it all & kept operating in that same old unhealthy unconcsious way.  A few times, if I asked a simple, direct question, she'd say, 'I never expected you to do that', which helped me gain some freedom & persepctive that it was coming from my own sick mind.  

When I first tried to focus on me, it brought up tremendous guilt.  For the first YEAR of focusong on me, I felt guilty about it but I did it anyway, telling myself guilt was the old feeling that kept me acting in crazy, sick codie ways.  That I had every right to think of me, it was self preservation.  I had to continually forgive myself for the past and finally I let it go over that year.

Guilt is designed for us to do better -- I even looked it up, it says a bad feeling over having done wrong.  Ok, you made amends but work on forgiving yourself to be free of it... that's how I eventually got rid of it but a year is probably just my experience, it felt like a (forever) long time.
    Guilt punished me & kept me "in line" for years.  My mom will deny all kinds of stuff about our past but she makes no bones about the fact that she loved me doing things for her.  So in our recent past, I made light of it saying, "well, my good little codie side desperately wants to help you" and to her delight, she'd say "ok!"

The last thing I did that on was a tile floor that she needed to be done.  Her worker guy didnt know what he was doing & I know about laying tile, so she & I actually did the job together.  It took us twice as long, as we went slow but it was nice to work closely together and I think she gained some appreciation for my ability.

The latest weirdness in my relationship with her as she runs hot & cold with me, was she never responded to any of my texts over Mother's Day weekend.  Lately we text & then I'll call.  She never responded to me, so I just detached. I am tempted to bring it up & ask but it's my codie-ness trying to come out & make it all right.  I guess she didnt want to communicate with me that day & it's okay.  I am not going to second guess her feelings, I can't.  If she has a problem, she has to communicate it ~ all the times I tried reading her mind, apparently I was usually wrong.  Today I am detaching & not obsessing.  I sent a card & 3 texts, I have nothing to feel guilty about.
   I had to force logic into my sick mind.  My sick mind knew no logic whatsoever.  I am entitled to have my own life today.  The way she acted was sur[prising but I can't take any more than that "in" or it will begin to eat away at me, like the old way.  The new way, is healthy & it says, "detach & detach some more ~ I'm worth it".  

Ahhh...good old guilt.  First, accept that you feel guilty.  It's ok to feel guilty if we've wronged someone.  Just accept it.  Then, act.  Do you need to make ammends?  You did that.  Do you need to do it again?  Maybe.  It's ok either way.

Guilt is resolveable.  We make ammends for what we did, according to Melody Beattie.  We attempt to correct our behavior. Guilt is valueable too, from what she wrote.  It's a signal we've violated our own moral code.  It's believing that what we did is NOT ok.  She wrote it keeps us healthy and on track.

Accept that you feel guilty and face it.  From that point, you can decide your future actions.

Well maybe I am rationalizing, but when the guilt started getting to me, I asked myself if I was acting or REacting to hurtful behavior from my AH. I also have a daughter who is verbally abusive. I have told them both that I am sorry for the poor way I acted, but I cut myself some slack afterwards because nobody ever taught me how to react to extreme emotional abuse. I came from a fairly healthy family, and I was not prepared to be put down, used, lied to, disappointed daily. The feelings of resentment that go along with that do not always lend themselves to being cheery. Yes I could have handled my resentment for the issues that surrounded his choice to drink rather than handle issues, yes I could have responded better when my daughter learned that I could be a "FOG" victim. FOG = Fear, Obligation and Guilt and they would both FOG me into getting their way. BUT, that doesn't mean I need to take on the Guilt they heaped on me that wasn't rightfully mine, and that doesn't mean I can't forgive myself for reacting badly in extremely oppressive conditions. Hope this helps.

I believe the steps are for ME. Making amends is for ME. I don't make amends to make anyone else feel better, I make amends to relieve MYSELF. The most important relationship EVER is with my HP. My HP knows my heart and forgives me.

I have heard that guilt is a reverse form of pride. This resonates with me, because I am a chronic perfectionist, I insist that I should have done better, I should be perfect! Alas, that can never be, I am only human.

I only knew what I knew at the time, I also suffered from a disease. Thank HP I am awake now! I try to accept my HP's love and forgiveness for me. If HP forgives me and I refuse to do so, is that not putting myself in His position? I think I know better than HP?

hehee