The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My husband just left me. Both of his parents and all his grandparents were raging alcoholics and he also is a child abuse survivor.
When we met - I was very ill. The first two years we were together he had to really take care of me. Then as I got better and better he seemed to get angry. Aggitated all of the time. The harder I tried to figure out why he was so angry the madder he got. "You're not listening to me" he would yell. But listen to what?
He left me and wrote me a three page letter of all of the things I need to fix about myself. He said his childhood has nothing to do with our problems.
I made him go to therapy the last six months we were married to deal with his anger - his therapy made things worse and he said it was my fault for making him go and that he was fine before me.
My parents weren't alcoholics - and grandparents never drank. My childhood wasn't perfect - but I wasn't abused.
And my husband never drank once in his life. But I feel like the disease crept into my life anyway. The abuse he suffered at the hands of his parents had an impact on me.
I am just so lost and confused by the pain and the blame of it all. I know I had a part in this - but part of his letter was saying I am 100% responsible for making him leave and that he is post traumatic because I didn't support him. But when I ask what he's talking about he can't say.
I asked him to try al anon but he said he doesn't need that psycho babble stuff and that I'm the problem. He forgets that when we met he was bitting his nails bloody and couldn't eat or sleep.
I am so sad - especially sad that someone I loved so much can't see that I only wanted him to get better - didn't want to hurt him or change him.
I knew I couldn't fix him. I just wanted him to stop being mad at me all of the time.
Alanon is great for everyone. I am currently married to an alcholic. We have each filed for divorce in our past, but have remained married. I can honestly say that if I would have been a member of alanon when I filed for divorce, I would not have come back to him. Alanon has helped me learn to take care of myself again. It has helped me to not let others BS become mine. Alanon has brought me closer to my HP. Alanon is the best free therepy on earth. HUGS IN RECOVERY
Hang with MIP for a while and give yourself the opportunity if you belong and the program will be helpful. You will hear lots of suggestions for member to try face to face Al-Anon Meetings and that the hotline phone number is in the white pages of your local phone book and you can take that suggestion also. Go to the face to face meetings for 90 days. Sit down and listen and get as much literature as you can about alcoholism and how it affects others lives. You can be affected because your husband's life was affected which then affects the life both of you have shared.
Go for yourself and in the meantime turn the rest of the situation over to your HP or a God of your own understanding. Keep coming back here and continue to read the sharing and problem solving that goes on here.
You were married to a adult child of an alcoholic and an abused child , yes u belong here . He brought the isms into your marriage , there is nothingu can do about him , he won't get help until he is so sick he has no choice . The healthier u got the sicker he got , as long as u need him he was fine . He was in control as u began to recovery u took back some control of yor life , change is a threat to him . find meetings take care of you . Louise
My mother is not an A. My grandparents were not A's. But believe me when I say my mother was more insane than her drunk brother.
I firmly believe that those of us who are effected by the disease of Aism rather than the drunk go far crazier than the A himself.
My mother has a mental illness and personality disorder. I firmly believe that the personality disorder came about from living with the disease. I believe that she could be greatly helped by the alanon program. I know I have been.
What I have learned here is to focus on myself. Your ex has his own life to live and I am sure you understand now that you cannot "make" or "force" him to do anything. Your happiness is not dependant on HIS sanity. You can live a very good life. Keep comming back!!
Thank you all very much. I have been reading and have attended a couple of face to face meetings. But they are hard for me to get to.
The reading makes me a little sad because most of the experience of adult children of A's describe my husband to the T. And the control issues etc.
But I am having to learn that his happiness and understanding aren't the same as my happiness.'
I used to tell him that I wasn't responsible for how he felt. When he would get in dark moods and say it was my fault but not be able to give me a reason why. I thought "that's nuts" but then after hearing it over and over from him - I did start to think, maybe I am hurting him. Maybe I am doing something to make him so angry and upset.
I'm having to let go of that voice and it's hard.
It's also hard for me to let go of the fact that he's not willing to do the work necessary to recover. It's sad to me that he would rather be in denial of his pain and his past and the effects of alcoholism in his life, than work to be healthy and stay with me.
I've been in therapy for years to help deal with a chronic medical condition. I've learned when I get tired etc not to lash out at people around me and own up to my own problems. That when I'm feeling sick - it's my body - not because someone next to me coughed too loud. It took me until my 20's to stop lashing out at people and start to take responsibility for the way I was feeling.
I thought, with patience, he would come to learn those things as well.
Just very sad - how people I've only met a few times, his parents and grandparents, were able to infect me with their disease from so far away.
Thank you all for your words. I'm having to really do the one day at a time thing. And a few months ago - after he first kicked me out (of MY house) I was doing one minute at a time. My future is so uncertain - I'm 37, now living with my parents, disabled, that I find I can't think about my future.
Anyway - thank you for listening. It helps to get it out and gives me something to look forward to rather than checking my emails for something nasty from him.
Facing the past and forgiving it is hard work. Most people dont want to do self-analysis b/c it is rather painful. Owning up to our behavior, making amends, this stuff is all very challenging. From what I can see, your AH has issues w/ being ACoA & issues with being an A & even though they can overlap, they can be different. I am not an A but I am ACoA. Trying to forgive the past & those that loved me also neglected & exploited me (my parents) was hard b/c as a child of that, you will fight to protect your abusers. That makes it hard to admit they hurt you, if you're fiercely protecting them.
We can get sucked into A's b/c we want to help them or maybe by him taking care of you when you were sick in the beginning was how he sucked you in. So then late, he could use the manipulation on you, since somehow you owed him from before. But we have to be willing to participate in the manipulation or emotional blackmail that they so often will use. Learning that I could in no way help anyone with their head's but I could help me, was very empowering. It was just hard to keep the focus on me at first but I got there.
We do say ODAT & live in today b/c the future is an illusion. It doesnt mean you cant make plans & set goals for your life. But it does mean that the future is un-real at this point and reality is right now, today. If we are focusing on tomorrow, we arent really living in today & since this is all we have & reality, why not be present & make the most of it. Once I got that, I found I had a lot of power in Now.
Today I am working to make my life better. Today I am at peace & that is a 180* from where I came from.
Welcome to this forum. We have a chat room that hosts two daily meeting online & 24/7 chat, so you can always talk to someone if you need or want to. We often try to cut up in there & LOL. If no one is there wait a few minutes, people stream in all day & night. We can all relate & lots of times, you'll chat with someone that knows exactly what you're going through. Those feelings of being "alone" left me once I found this forum.
Welcome & know we're here for you.
__________________
Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
wow - thank you so much kitty. You're part about protecting the abusers rings so true to me. I would mention from time to time to my ACoA that maybe he had the right to be angry at his parents for abusing and neglecting him - he would yell that they did the best they could and he would never blame them.
That's not what I meant - I just meant admitting that things were hard - caused some damamge, and then dealing with the truth of that.
But the lengths he would go to protect his parents was amazing. My parents were pretty good - but I won't shy away from pointing crappy stuff out to them. I know they did the best they could - but sometimes it sucked!
But again, I don't know what kind of hell it is to grow up in a house with multiple drinkers, abusers, etc. I don't know that torture - so it's easy for me to say just admit it happened and admit it hurt you and then try to heal. He's admitted it happened - but won't admit it hurt him in anyway. He has to be perfect.
I'm sure not perfect - and I wouldn't want to be with someone perfect - that would be a stepford wife as far as I'm concerned.
And you are also right kitty about him doing nice things and then thinking I owed him. He would always bring up how he cared for me when I was ill and that he deserves more.
It all is so maddening to me. I'm sure it's the way people with A's feel. "If they would just stop drinking things would get better". I felt "if he would just start dealing with the trauma of his childhood, things will get better." But I've learned in a really hard way that you can't force growth on someone - and sometimes - you can't even be silent next to them without getting blamed and thrown out.
He sounds much like the ex A I was with. He complained to everyone that I was the problem. I left him and he went downhill very very fast. The disease is progressive.
Al anon teaches us to focus on ourselves, pretty difficult when you are surrounded by someone who treats you with scorn.
Al anon can be a great great help to you. Throw yourself into the program and embrace the tools as fast as you can.
