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My ex-dil decided that she would tell my granddaughters (8 & 6) the problem that daddy has. I agreed that they were probably old enough to tell them about the alcoholism. Here is the thing....ex-dil told A son that the oldest had a little anxiety about ex-dil and new husband having a beer the other night. A son has taken on more guilt about what his daughters are going through and all the anxieties he has and will in the future place on his girls.
Now...this might just be something I would do to lower the anxiety in my precious children. I WOULD NOT DRINK IN FRONT OF THEM IF IT CAUSED THEM ANY WORRY AT ALL. Can they not wait until the little ones are in bed or just not around? Is drinking beer THAT important? So what if they don't have a problem with addiction...they do have a problem with their child's feelings of security.
I try very hard to stay openminded but some things I just don't get.
I hear you Gail, and I'm absolutely on the fence with this one.... On the one hand, I would agree that abstinence is the best thing for the kids at this point - on the other hand, there is some value in them being able to see people drink responsibly, to help shape their views on the whole alcohol/alcoholism thing....
For me, I quit drinking altogether for over five years - mainly for the sake of my kids - and started back drinking socially a couple of years ago, along with some good chats with my children about it...
Tom
__________________
"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
I WOULD NOT DRINK IN FRONT OF THEM IF IT CAUSED THEM ANY WORRY AT ALL. Can they not wait until the little ones are in bed or just not around? Is drinking beer THAT important? So what if they don't have a problem with addiction...they do have a problem with their child's feelings of security.
I try very hard to stay openminded but some things I just don't get.
Sorry about the vent.....Gail
I notice that people with ANY "ism" personality disorder has NO regards for any other's needs/wants/fears/safety et al....Yea, to me?? this would be a slam dunk!!!! NO drinking when the children are up if it is an anxiety causing action.....But, like I say..."ism" people don't consider others..........I am with ya on this one
One small experience of my own... when I was maybe 11 years old, not long after my parents divorced, late one night my mom was going to bed (I was a night owl even then) and before she went upstairs, I caught the unmistakeable smell of alcohol on her breath. Mom did not drink to speak of - in fact I don't think I've ever seen her drink even a sip of wine, although I'm sure she has here and there. She read the look on my face instantly, and explained - she had been sick with a sore throat (which I knew to be true) and had made herself a medicinal cocktail before bed. Probably got the booze from the neighbors; after dad was moved out, it was NEVER in our house. Her immediate sincerity, as well as her track record, placated my fears and I never gave it another thought.
Mom is going to be 79 soon, she still doesn't drink. A couple years ago she had major surgery, and she weaned herself off the pain pills just as fast as she could stand it. Even on morphine she was lucid and pretty much herself. Some people just aren't alcoholics!
Once I quit drinking, I stopped having any alcohol around the house. My wife at the time was a very light drinker, she didn't miss it. The kids occasionally snuck some in, but their main supply (stealing mine!) was gone... LOL.
Today I wouldn't live with a drinker, or have it in the house. My wife-to-be comes from a drinking family, but she was always the one who drank the least, and had no problem giving it up. If she ever goes off to a family event and wants to have a drink, that wouldn't bother me - I just wouldn't want it under my roof. There will be no alcohol served at the wedding. I considered it briefly, but the reality is if not for sobriety, AA, and Alanon, there would be no wedding and quite possibly no me. The drinkers can do without, or leave early. We're not inviting anyone who would not respect our wishes.
Unfortunately alcohol is all around, they are going to experience seeing many people drink. I do understand what you are saying, and they are young. Eventually they will understand the difference between alcoholism and a social drinker. I do agree they should have a comfort zone in their own home.
Hi Gail I am sorry your exdil has decided to place an additional guilt trip on your A son. His young children become anxious when they see mommy drink now that they know about alcoholism. Mommy-not your son is responsible for her actions around the children. If her actions cause them anxiety then she is responsible to change. Placing blame on your son is just another way of avoiding taking responsibiliity for the children in her care. They cannot be expected to understand the lfine line between social drinking and alcoholism even adults have a problem with that one.
No advise here but if I was in the situation I would certainly point that out to her.
Love YOu
Betty
-- Edited by hotrod on Tuesday 12th of May 2009 08:22:03 AM
Just my opinion here; I think the children were too young to be given that much information regarding their dad(your son). Way too much information for them. They are probably going through alot already.
If their Mom chooses to have a "night cap", perhaps she should wait until they are safely tucked in the the night.
Like I said, "my opinion only".
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Clara
------------------------------------ What don't kill you, makes you stronger!!!
Just my opinion here. Their father is an A. Therefore, those girls are genetically predisposed to Aism. They are high risk. Now, if they were high risk for cancer, would their mother smoke around them or give them high fat foods?
The enviroment that we raise our children in can have a major impact on how they live their own lives. Yes, they will see other people consuming (hopefully responsibly) alcohol. But in their own home, they have only been exposed to the damage and descruction that alcohol has brought.
I was just reading this morning (I think it was Volume 1 of Forum Favorites) that as soon as children are old enough to undersand, they should be told the truth about their parent's alcohol addiction. I don't know if 8 and 6 are old enough - only their own parent can tell for sure. But I do have to agree that if it were me, I'd keep the alcohol out of the house after that (because I'm sure it would confuse them). Eventually it would be good for them to learn the difference between a social drinker and an alcoholic, so they don't think that every person who drinks is an alcoholic.
