This program really works! - Al-Anon Family Group

MissyPoo · Veteran Member

This program really works!

Tiger2006 · ~*Service Worker*~

As a double winner the fact that he was going to AA meetings 2x a week was a red flag to begin with. I haven't met any alcholic who is successful with their program who only goes 2x a week.
I also don't believe in the idea of triggers. The book of alcholics anonymous states over and over again that protecting the alcholic from themselvs creates a sense that everyone else is responsible for the alcholic but them. Your husband chose to go to the cottage after all.
As for your question, technically speaking, it isn't your business how he behaves. That doesn't mean it doesn't effect your life and doesn't influence your well being. Absolutely it does. His actions toward you also effect how your well being will come about and its stability. Having said that, depending on his sobriety to determine your serenity is a ticking time bomb: one of my first ACOA friends was famous for her saying "Pigeons do what pigeons do, sit under their tree and they'll shit on you." Alcholics drink, and expecting them not to is insane. Working your program allows you to control elements of your life that you actually can, since so much of it isn't in your control. I would really suggest that you get a sponsor, get a home group and work the steps.
Your husband may believe that you believe that he isn't drinking again. At a certain time, he will find himself in a position that he can no longer run from his lies, and he will crash and burn (hopefully). In the mean time, I would recommend that you give pause to the reality that as long as you're waiting on him, you're going to be waiting for a very long time.

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Missy,
Good for you-using your program and regaining your serenity. In answer to your question about supporting his recovery- I would suggest keep taking care of yourself. Continue to go to meetings, Focus on yourself, Live One Day At a time and pray. I know how very difficult this road is but with alanon tools you will be able to maintain your serenity and learn how to Respond to his actions in a constructive way.

You are doing good.

Keep comimng back

-- Edited by hotrod on Monday 11th of May 2009 10:39:29 AM

abbyal · ~*Service Worker*~

Hello Missy , how can u support him ? I believe u just did by simply minding your own business and not confronting him with the reciept u found. In our program we keep the focus on our selves not what he is or is not doing. well done.
You are not respnsible for keeping him sober any more than u were responsible for his drinking as for the guilt he seemed to be feeing , leave it with him where it belongs he will either drink or not the choice is his . We learn here to stay off thier back and outta thier face . I hope u are attending Al-Anon meetings f2f for yourself that for me is the best way to support our A efforts at sobreity , u need support from people who understand , this board is great but in my opinion no substitute for real meetings .your missing so much by not attending f2f meetings , so if your not all ready attending please find meetings for yourself . Louise

N8SMOM · Senior Member

Good for you, it sounds like you are doing a great job working the program. Unfortunately I can't give you any advice, since I'm new to this myself. I just want to say that I admire what you have done so far - you are an inspiration to me.

Jozie · ~*Service Worker*~

(((((Missy)))))

Good For You

Minding your Own Business

I know that took some much strength... That is one that I struggle with as well... I do great taking care of them and slack off on ME... Al-anon has been slowly teaching me a better way of life, and it is a great feeling when you can look at yourself in the mirror, and know that YOU are just as Important as them, and it is high time You care for yourself :)

As for his Needs... Well... I see Your Needs, to me would be to like above... Get to a F2F meeting, meet people who are going thru the same thing you are, face to face is were its at... It is one hour of you time, and it can bring such love to your heart...

Hang in there girl... Your Doing Great...
Keep Coming Back...It Works If You Work it :)

Friends In Recovery
Jozie

rosielightshines · ~*Service Worker*~

Oh wow I would REREAD "tiger's" post...

I totally concur...I would get into meets (You) as much as I can...12 steps workbooks/books as many as I can find....Glom onto a sponsor OR a trusted recovery pal and WORK IT FOR YOU....

Let HIM crash and burn if he must OR get into recovery SERIOUS not 2x per week and work it....If he messes himself up?? Let him wallow in it....

I would keep my hands OFF him and ON me........whats that saying??? "Focus on YOU..I lose ME"....So keeping the focus on ME by default keeps me OFF other's business....Yea, it impacts your life and that is part of the "package" of staying with an Alkie...However you can make it work ONLY if you stay OFF him and ON you.......You did good here...You just "let the crap go".....Thats what you gotta do....AND ****NO EXPECTATIONS*** NONE!!!!

Good job

clara · Senior Member

Good for you for not reacting. I find it better, with my daughter, if I do not react or respond to her behavior.

However, I do agree that he may not be giving as much effort as he should. He should be going to his meetings more than twice a week. Are you going to face to fact meetings of Al-Anon?

Remember; you did not cause it; you cannot control it and mostly you cannot cure it.

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Aloha MPoo...

For me Abbyal said it all. That is what I was told when I first got "into" program;
along with the best way to help your alcoholic wife is "not try to" help your
alcoholic wife.   I didn't know what I was doing. I didn't know anything really
about alcoholism or how to help an alcoholic even if I could recognize one if I
did see one.   "Keep yourself out of her program or recovery or no recovery is
what made all the sense in the world later on." Get into your own.

Al-Anon face to face meetings as many as I could get to in the first 90 days
before I accepted if Al-Anon would work for me or if I was interested in doing
it myself. Literature...lots of it and read it all. Memorize the steps, Traditions,
slogans and the Serenity Prayer and look for an old timer to help me.   Some of
those old timers are really scarey....right Abby? LOL

(((((hugs))))) smile

-- Edited by Jerry F on Tuesday 12th of May 2009 12:19:59 AM

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