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Our family tradition on Mother's Day during our married years was to work in the yard. It was what I wanted, and a day that I could expect everyone to pitch in and help, and not feel the slightest bit guilty about it This year my exAH asked if he could have the kids for a while on Sat to prepare for Sun. I let the kids know that all I really wanted was for them to help me in the yard, and put songs on my ipod.
So, daughter wakes me at 6:45 to bring me coffee in bed and after breakfast AH shows up with the edger I asked to borrow. As he got into work mode; I told him I could do it . He said he didn't mind helping, and that it was the least he could do for the mother of his children. Well alrighty then, bring it on! I was feeling absolutely overwhelmed with what needed to be done, and since I didn't have the fortitude to carry it all out, I said okay.
He ended up staying all day. He whacked blackberries, trimmed trees, tied up my roses, mowed, edged, fixed my hot tub, cleaned out the shed, and all with a happy heart. Yes, a happy heart. He goofed around with the kids, stepped in to discipline when needed, asked for and received help. A few times he made personal reference regarding the house. There was no manipulation or pretense. He seemed real. He seemed human. Granted, he was probably on is best behavior... I had to work hard not to get drawn into it or feel sad, and just had to keep reminding myself that it was technically still his house, his children's home, and I was grateful for the help that he wanted to give. I just had to keep the feelings of "what could be" at bay, for the answer is and will continue to be, "nothing, nothing, nothing".
At the end of the day he drug our canoe down to the creek behind our house, the kids sailed a bit, and we threw rocks. My daughter was so happy, and AH was persistent to get our resistant 15 yr old in on the fun too. I brought my cameras and he took photos of me and the kids, another shocker, for that was something he rarely, if ever, thought to do. He left around 5:00 and sent us on an adventure hiking down the creek. He advised the kids to have Chinese delivered and do the dishes. Then, he went to his sister's to celebrate with his family. He has had very little contact with his family thus far, even on holidays, for they are unhappy about the divorce/affair/gf situation, and he was in isolation mode.
That was the hardest part of the day for me, for they were my family for 19 yrs. They love me, I love them. My kids didn't understand why we didn't even get an invite. They don't get it. Things are different now. This unfair but unavoidable element of pain really has nothing to do with aism, it is a heartbreaking consequence of divorce. How do so many people deal with it?
My AH has been sober and diligently working a program daily for 18 months now. He has come to discover that "he" was the problem. The alcohol and drugs were fueled by his poor self-worth, twisted sense of reality, and lack of acceptance of himself and me, and the substances made everything so much worse. All that blame that was hammered into me... so it really wasn't true after all. The relief that thought brings me is astounding. As much as I logically know I had a part but was not the sole reason for the demise of our marriage, I need him to release me. Why is that so important to me? I am seeing the changes in him. What I realize is that because the disease took hold so gradually, and he was so very broken in spirit, I completely lost sight of what a normal man he could be. I saw something today that I never saw before, and it wasn't the hard work or persistance, that was always there, it was a gentle attitude, peace and acceptance.
I don't love him (that is a good thing) and I am trying fervently not to harbor resentments for the man he never was for me. The truth is, I wasn't the best person I could be for him either. The g/f he has still keeps me triggered (she btw, was off on a large group camping trip with her H) and I am no where near forgiveness. I have given up thinking that relationship will end anytime soon, and it is still a source of torture for me, but by now I am pretty convinced that I will survive (and they will too ).
I know this post is long and is primarily about him. I just had to get the thoughts out of my head, and my sponsor isn't available. However, I hope it can also be seen as a post of hope and miracles. If you could have seen the anger, rage and total despair this man seeped just two years ago. He was a mess, and it is a miracle today, but it took 18 months. For those who are dealing with the craziness of early sobriety, I encourage you to hang onto the hope and just continue to detach and work your program in all its capacity. I guess its another miracle that I can even post this as a miracle since I did not have the happy ending I fought so hard for.
So for now it continues to be one day at a time, and I am happy he is sober and healthier today. I don't know what the future will bring, so in the meantime I will feel the feelings and wipe my tears. My prayers continue for all of us here and everyone else struggling with the wicked disease of alcoholism and addiction.
Blessings, Lou
-- Edited by Loupiness on Monday 11th of May 2009 02:55:51 AM
-- Edited by Loupiness on Monday 11th of May 2009 03:02:13 AM
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Every new day begins with new possibilities. It's up to us to fill it with the things that move us toward progress and peace. ~ Ronald Reagan~
Sometimes what you want to do has to fail, so you won't ~Marguerite Bro~
Lou, what an honest post, thank you for taking the time to write it. You really have grown so much in the time I have read you here at MIP. I know how incredibly difficult and confusing your road has been. Sounds like you are doing a really great job holding your own and keeping your boundaries firm! Geez, its so hard when they act all "good"- isn't that funny! I know for me, it made me jump to conclusions all the time. So hard...you have a lot of courage to even allow him to be near, I don't know if I could have done it after going through what you have gone through. He was very very lucky you allowed him to even stay and help out.
Pat yourself on the back for your growth. I see you being a little bit gentler with yourself in the process, too. Your program is really showing! Hugs, J.
I think it's ok to love a person for who they are and be realistic about what they are. It's ok that you have feelings and not act on them. It's ok. You're doing great, believe it or not.
Thank you for such an HONEST share. It was so refreshing to hear - someone with recovery who is honest with oneself and taking the emotions, pleasant and unpleasant and applying the tools of the program!
RunnerChick wrote:It was so refreshing to hear - someone with recovery who is honest with oneself and taking the emotions, pleasant and unpleasant and applying the tools of the program!
YEP, I agree...Also to FEEL and not act on those FEELINGS...Just letting them pass through and like tiger said "love em for WHO they are not WHAT they are"....
You did GREAT...Took care of YOU!!!!! AMEN!! I am so grateful for this program...It has been my "life support"......
What a Great Share... Thanks so much for sharing your growth, and how far you have come from the life with your A... I am always glad to see when you can find a way to work out the anger, and be parents for your children. Even if it was just for a day, your kids will remember that day!!!...As another Good Day as Well...
I am a ACOA, and I am also the survivor of their divorce (I was 9), and now a Daughter to an Afather (deseased)... Their divorce was mine as well... I went from living in a chaos of living with my Afather being gone for weeks, coming home, mom not speaking, him drinking, I'd go to bed and wait to here them scream at each other thru the vents in my room.. Sometimes feeling the need to go jump in the middle at 6,7,8, years old...
From there tho, I went to living with just my mom, and my older sis, and younger bro...No Money, no nice place, mom working 3 jobs, dropping us from relative to relative so she wouldn't miss work, to feed us, because Dad never paid a dime...
When my mom spoke of my afather, she never really stayed on the subject long, and she would never let us speak bad of him... He was still our father!!!...
But my father on the other hand, everytime you seen him, he would cry the blues about how Your Mom Left Me, and Your Mom Took you kids from me, Your Mom did this to our family, Your Mom did this to YOU.....ECT...
The reason I tell you this is because... There Was One Day ...(1)... That I remember, that they got along, like Two Adults.. Sadly enough it was at my Grandfathers funeral...
Mom never did judge him... She knew who he was, but he always blamed her, and she finally excepted that... Said "Yep, I got you kids out, and I don't regret it" but never anything bad about him. I respect her more today then ever for Not "Bashing" My Afather, even tho she had every right to... He cheated, beat her, made her go hungery, wouldn't come home for weeks and when he did, we all tip toed... But never a bad Word... I ask her once Why? All she coud say is "Without him... I wouldn't have You Kids!" And that was enough for me :)
So Enjoy those days, if you can, your children will learn so much just in those couple hours... They will see that you can be apart and still be friends, and parents...
You made my heart happy today :) Thanks You So Much... Good For You for Enjoying what was Ment TO Be... YOUR Special Day...
Take what you like and leave the rest:) Love & Prayers Jozie
This year my exAH asked if he could have the kids for a while on Sat to prepare for Sun. I let the kids know that all I really wanted was for them to help me in the yard, and put songs on my ipod. 
and after breakfast AH shows up with the edger I asked to borrow. As he got into work mode; I told him I could do it . He said he didn't mind helping, and that it was the least he could do for the mother of his children. Well alrighty then, bring it on! I was feeling absolutely overwhelmed with what needed to be done, and since I didn't have the fortitude to carry it all out, I said okay. 
).
