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My husband is in a treatment institution for substance abuse, I don't know what to say or do for him I feel really selfish Like its his fault for being there what SHould I say or do for him?I want to be supportive but this is my first time at this any help or encouragement or friendly support would be accecpted...
by the way my name is Kim and my husband is Michael...
Hello Kim , and welcome . The best way to support our Alcoholics is to find our own program and stay outta thier face and off thier back . Your not responsible for keeping him sober anymore than u were responsible for his drinking this is his trip leave it with him , When attending al anon u will have something in common with your husb ( recovery) leave him to AA and let Al-Anon take care of you . YOu say your lonely once settled in our program alone is a choice , you will make new friends who understand exactly how u feel and will share thier stories of recovery with you. the alcoholic isnot the only one who has to change we have to change too , we cannot do what we have always done , it just didn't work . good luck , congrats to your husband and please find meetings for yourself as soon as possible , you have some free time now with him in treatement , use it wisley . Louise
Good For you for finding a meeting, and taking your first step to helping YOU as well as him... ;)
WELCOME TO THE MIP FAMILY... You have come to the right place for support, now you just have to KEEP COMING BACK :) We are hear for you, and will listen....
Kim, you are not alone, we are all here and have some stories similar to yours! This is one of the best things about this program- you are so not alone! Alcoholism and addiction are rampant and everywhere and effect so many people but there is a lot of shame and hiding of this fact. And a lot of denial about it. Here in al-anon we are totally out in the open about it and share our experience strength and hope about our experiences with alcoholics and addicts. We love them but hate their disease. And it is a disease. Welcome and keep coming back here and reading the posts- J.
The best thing you can do is let him work this out for himself.....I was married to TWO alkies and looking back, I lost ME, tryin to help them.....When I focus on them, I lose me...Poof..Rosie was GONE!!!
NOt anymore...I am divorced now and I have found myself and I will NEVER let anyone absorb me into their problems again...Yea, I can care about them, but DETACHED...
Please stay in the program....Load up on 12 steps books and other alanon literature...The main thing is to TAKE CARE OF YOU.....Let him work this on his own....he has to learn his own lessons......The more I "helped" my alkie, the less he saw he had a problem and kept it on and on.....Finally I just QUIT!! Said "I give up...You do what you gotta do...I am taking my hands OFF"......We ended up splitting because I wanted recovery and pursued it he did not.....
I made my own life for me.....I am taking care of me now and yea, I can *encourage* a person to help themselves, but I am as someone on this thread said "stay out of their face".....Its not my business.........The 3 C's
I did not CAUSE it I cannot CONTROL it/him I cannot CURE him/it
LET GO..........LET GOD..........Take care of me and let my loving others learn their own lessons....I am not helping them by preventing them from experiencing the consequences of thier deeds......I hope that losing me caused my Ex hubby to get help...Either way, its not my business....
Kim, I am here to repeat what the others have said, "you are not alone". Al-anon is a family fellowship and we all have been where you are in one way or another. My own personal story is I have been married to 3 alcoholics, but they never went through a treatment center. I had a boss that did once and asked that I (as a personal friend) along with his wife and another personal friend go to family day at the treatment center, so from that aspect I can relate to what you will be going through. I also was married to one man (I've been in 4 marriages that had been affected by the family disease of alcoholism, and it is a family disease) that was the son of an alcoholic that severely abused him in his childhood, physically, mentally, sexually, and spiritually. I ended up having to call the police to keep him from killing himself by bashing his head into the side of the house, after his abuse came to a head. I visited him in the mental ward at the hospital after he got some treatment. I understand your frustration at your husband and the feelings that he deserves this, but just as my husband didn't deserve to be in a mental ward, the alcholic has a disease and doesn't deserve a lot of what they have to endure, it's just part of the disease of alcoholism and it lands a lot of them in jail or treatment centers.
Much of the suggestions are right on target I believe. Get yourself to meetings, take care of yourself during this time. Take this time to learn you and detach from him and his illness, it is his and his to work on. You will need to work on yourself and your recovery, that is how you can help him.
I don't know if you got anything out of my little sharing or not, but take what you like and leave the rest, as we say here in al-anon. Maybe there can be something there that you can use.
Keep coming back and remember your never alone! Java
Hello Kim and welcome. I am pretty new to this board myself; just a few months. This message board and my face to face meetings at Al-Anon have changed my life completely. I was a mess(and probably still am), but people here and at my Al-Anon meetings have been a source of strength and help for me.
You need to find an Al-Anon group and attend as many meetings you can. Then find someone you are comfortable with and get a sponsor. I feel that I have come a long way, but there are plenty of times I need help and support in dealing with my alcholic daughter. When I cannot attend a meeting, I come here and within minutes, someone is sending me comforting words.
Keep coming back; there are alot of wonderful people that will give you support. Hang in there!!!!
__________________
Clara
------------------------------------ What don't kill you, makes you stronger!!!
When my partner went away to rehab I too felt very lonely and resentful. Its like they go and leave you to deal with all the day to day stuff without any help and support. It was at this point I found MIP, what a life saver. The support and wisdom here is priceless. I started going to face to face (f2f) meetiings, reading everything I could around issues such as codependancy. I am codependant since learning to understand why I behave in the ways I do, I have been able to start healing. I am working my 12 step program and getting my recovery. I know see the time we had apart as a blessing as it gave me the opportunity to focus on me and start living a better life.
I can only agree with the suggestions of others here. Go to meetings, post here and most of all Keep coming back.
thanks so much for all your caring responses I will be back to read all the other posts as suggested... it is a hard road not just form but for me too... thanks again for all the encouragement!
Hello Kim, this is your time to detox from your husband. when my A went to rehab, it took me a few days to unwind from all of the drama. our first conversation was not a good one. then with great advice from my friends here, i had a great response for him when he would call. i wrote it down and carried it with me. i had to refer to it many times when our conversation would head in a downward spiral. i simply said, " i understand that this is difficult. i am proud of you for taking action to get yourself well. i love you and i am praying for you." I said this to him over and over and over, and i still do (he is home). i must have sounded like a broken record.
take this time to put you back together. you need healing also. jump into as much alanon stuff as possible. get active. pray. take things 10 minutes at a time if possible.
good luck, i'm here if you need me. sincerely, tonya
