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Well kind of a continuation from the other post I posted the other day.... Wasnt sure to start a new topic or continue, but well here I am...
I posted about my husbands DUI court case and how he hasnt learned to stop drinking. Well Friday, hmmm he is sitting around all day with that LOOK on his face, the look I have grown to know oh so many times, the look of I am going to binge. So I ignore it, go about my day, and he asks me if I want to go to the same spot from Wensday, BWW, to watch the game, I said NO. sorry not gonna happen with me. So he says maybe he will go and I said well its your choice but I think your making a mistake. He said he would go after dinner ( i made a nice dinner earlier in the crockpot) and that this DUI really has opened his eyes to his drinking and that he felt like a responsible drinker now ( ha ) and that he knows he can go and drink only a few beers. He said he NEEDS my help and that he wants me to call him every hour he is there and if he doesnt answer the phone to go down there and get him. I SAID NO. I shouldnt have to do this and if he is even thinking like this he is feeling unsecure about it. not for him to go. I said he is a grown man and can make his own choices but i was going on record saying i felt it was a mistake. he said he knew he could do it. well here is the thing i cannot believe i did. I DROVE HIM THERE. what the hell is wrong with me. I guess i knew that it would start a fight if i didnt, also i guess i wanted to prove to myself ( like I should have doubted myself) that he couldnt do it... well so he bails on dinner and gos to ONLY watch the game and then for me to pick him up. I couldnt beleive i agreed to this. so i did, dropped him off , knowing what was going to happen. I was mad, he knew it and well all night was sick to my stomach. So an hour into the game he calls me, to check in. I said please dont do this dont call me , you are tyring to wrap me into this. Then he calls again, and I said how much longer for the game to be over i want to go to bed, he LIES to me and says 2 hours, i said i have the game on, it says 8 mins. i could tell at this part he was getting drunk. so then i said i would be there by 930 and he said okay. then he calls back and LIES to me and says one of his friends is coming and he will take him home. liar... I blew it, I did everythign I shouldnt have done, begged, cried, pleaded and went hystrical. It made it worse. i told him this is a mistake he is doing what he always does. Why was I tyring to pleade with the A , he will never see what i am saying. so needless to say, I started calling him every few seconds, he never answerd my calls and then called me very verbally abusive. I said i hope you have a ride i am done, i dont care if you sit there all night i am not coming to get you. i am going too bed. I went to bed. He called a few times in between there, i didnt answer the phone and he came in at 12:50 am,. DRUNK, SMELLING LIKE BEER. yuck. the next morning he said didnt you hear me banging on the door, i had to go through the window. i said nope. ( i really didnt)... and he acted like nothing happened. I told him i will NEVER EVER drive him again for anything like this ever. I will NEVER go to a place like this with him ever again and I will not be a part of his drinking anymore. He doesnt realize that he broke probation. I am just so upset with myself that I even drove him there, and made it like i was okay with this. who knows what is going to happen in the future with him. i see long term jail, losing his job and well his family. I am going to start going back to my meetings, I dont know why I stopped, hmm maybe cuz i thought he was better. that was a mistake on my end.
Thank you so much to everyone for listening and all the great words/advice everyone has given me. it really helps knowing i can come here and just start typing away my feelings for a little bit. thank you so much.
For me the umbrella of "slips" can be pretty big. You slipped up by taking him there; u slipped up by getting into it & calling him a couple of times. But that is all it is, a slip helps us learn & gives us the opportunity to re-evaluate and try again. It's ok. Don't beat yourself up about it, let it go & start again. Getting back to your meetings is a really good idea too ~ Al-Anon is for you. It doesnt matter if he's better or not, you go for you, so that you will be better equipped to stick to your boundaries & detach from his behavior/words.
A's say a lot of things - we say listen with your eyes, so that you can watch behavior & not listen to empty promises or the abuse.
Like you said, u could see how arguing with him after he started drinking - didint help. Another learning curve for you. You can choose to not go down that path next time. I prefer to see slips as something positive b/c things can be confirmed for you, what is working & what isn't.
Good for you for disenganging during the phone calls, to go to bed, stop answering the phone, stop feeding the emotions. They feed on us being disappointed, scared, hurt or mad at their behavior. If he goes out again, detach, focus on you & be extra gentle & good to yourself. He will do what he thinks he has to do. You can do the same, what will help you the most today - is all u ever need ask yourself. Focus on YOU, not him & it will get better. Hang in there, kcb, we're here for you.
-- Edited by kitty on Sunday 10th of May 2009 12:56:20 PM
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
How many times have I "slipped" by railing about my past??? MANY times...Instead of *looking* at it I have *stared* a FEW times....But yea know???
Frequencey....I am doing it less Intensity.........it is not controlling me (emotions, et al) like it used to Duration.........It is not lasting any where NEAR as long and I CATCH IT AWARENESS....The biggy...I am AWARE I messed up and I handle it
I do not beat me up over it...I just learn my lesson...Work on the areas I need to to STAY in the present...And I love me and forgive me inspite of my slips......
Recovery is a journey....NEVER a destination......
Go easy on you....You SAW ACCEPTED what you did....Case closed!!!! You learned and I admire you for having the bollix to come out and confess it.......Good for U
(((((Loretta))))) your doing great! keep workin them steps your so worth it.
thoughts and prayers to yas to stay strong and focus onyour program.
the serenity prayer is a true blessing ,helps me awaken to a New Day to keep focused (within me) and if in moments of confusion and uncertainty and to say ... "i did have a good day & to me a good night tooo"... i say the lords(myHP) prayer .. and then i fall into a restful sleep:))))
Don't be too hard on yourself, your awareness is amazing and I know most of us have all been there, you did try and at least it will help you for the future. I used to walk all around town seeing where the a was, like I could control outcomes, terrible for me but you get stronger and it is less frequent, my thoughts and prayers are with you
(((((Loretta))))) your doing great! keep workin them steps your so worth it. 