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So, yesterday I call my mom, and ask for my step father's brother's number because he has a mega truck and can help move me. Before I know it, mom is in her victim mode, about how she & I were working together, how she & I were supposed to collaborate, how she & I, she & I, she & I.... So I call her this morning (albiet @ 715 her time) and the truth come out about why she won't give me his number, won't cooperate, etc. My step father's brother is in China, and he won't be back for another week or so, so he probably won't be able to help any ways. She's been checking mover's online, and emailing family back and forth, etc, but hasn't gotten anything "concrete in stone" so she hadn't tole me anything. Then she drops a couple of bombs: Last year when I was moving (some of you remember what an adventure that was) she felt I had poisoned the well between us and had it not been for my step father john, she would have completely abandoned me to the wolves, but, in her view, if "John hadn't saved me" I'd have been abandoned. She also feels, this was the other bomb, that I'm an embarrassment. That I'm going to go out there and embarass her and all. I told her that it seemed from what I could gather from the family so far that, 1) not too many of them knew I was coming & 2) those that knew were pretty impressed with how I was handling things. Anyway, I need your permission to lean on the program of Al Anon international to remind me that, no matter what, I don't have to play into the insanity of the disease. I need your permission to borrow the collective strength of this room, and the program as a whole, because I know I won't make it past the KY state line if I don't have your strength to lean on. I need your help to remind me that my worth is god determined and you love me.
Thanks so much for responding to my posts. I really need them
((((((((((((((((((((((((((((Tiger))))))))))))))))))))))))) I am angered that ANYone would have the audacity to all another person an "embarrassment"??? WHO is in recovery, working her butt off to get better?? YOU.....WHO is honest with her feelings/ ups/ downs and accepts them???? YOU
embarrassment???? My butt!!!!! You keep hanging with us YOU ARE WORTH IT.....
Tiger, I am sorry you are going through all of this. Moving is stressful. My mom and I have had so many blowouts in the past. I am realizing now that when we have a blow out, it is pretty much her blow out. I let her say and act how ever she wants and I let it roll off my shoulders. When all is said and done, she is still my mother and will be there for me no matter what. Sincerely, Tonya
tiger, I relate and am sorry you're going through this. Most of my life, I've been terribly codie on my mom ~ it took a lot of work for me to distance myself from her feelings & judgements about me (and the world) & to devlop me own identity. If she wasn't happy with me or my attitude or wtvr I was doing (or not doing) it would effect me. I had to learn how to stop being a slave to other people's opinions. It is hurtful to hear you rmom calling you an embarrassment but hon -- that is her problem/issue & it is not ANY reflection on you. Her issue, her feeling, it's her problem. You dont have to take that on or into you.
As far as I can tell or have experienced, I'd wager it's a passive-aggressive way to attempt to manipulate you. In the past, if such a thing were done to me, I'd be trying to suck up, make up or dance around my mom to try to alter her feelings (again, not my issue) but that's what codies do, we try to keep influencing each other, ugh.
Detach, detach and detach some more. It's her issue & has nothing to do with you.
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
I'd wager it's a passive-aggressive way to attempt to manipulate you. In the past, if such a thing were done to me, I'd be trying to suck up, make up or dance around my mom to try to alter her feelings (again, not my issue) but that's what codies do, we try to keep influencing each other, ugh.
Detach, detach and detach some more. It's her issue & has nothing to do with you.
WOW!!!! this reall stands out to me....I got loving relatives who mean well for me do the same thing....and I feel myself at times "sucking up" and / or pleading my case , i am on the defense stand and NOW, I am starting to realize "to hell with what they think...As long as I know I am doing right??? They can think what they want.....and yea, i can relate to the "tryin to alter her feelings"....
My big sis got on me about dumping my shrink...we shared the same shrink...big sis got me hooked up with her and even paid for several of my visits....So here I am..trying to make this "not right" thing work and then she does the ultimate trigger to me and so I tell sis what she did and why I cut things off
Well at first big sis tells me "oh I amsure you didn't understand something"....Like shes defending the shrink instead of unconditional "believing me and trusting that I had an issue/ injury from this woman"..
So I told big sis "you think what you gotta think and if I have to distance myself from you a bit for a while, while I take care of me and UNdo the damage, then FINE..You can be HER sister"....well big sis got mad and then realized that she was harming me, defending this shrink so she backed off...I was NOT gonna suck up this time...I told big sis what happend...What it did to me....What I did to take care of me....END OF CASE!!!! Big sis later emailed me because she knew I was a bit peeved adn she said that she was gonna "trust in my judgement that I did what was right for me...." She ended it with that she loved me dearly and only wanted me to have the happiness that I deserve.......
So...No resentments on my part.....NO separation because I stood firm and didn't get ticked and walk away, rather, I firmly told her "this is what happend to me and this is what I did to take care of me....You are either for me or against me"......I stood up for me.......Things are OK!!!!!!
You have to keep focus on you and stay on track, the rest will sort its self out, You can do this, you have the strength, you just have to have a little faith in yourself, and your HP, and you will get were you need to be, with or without the support of others...
Keep coming back and working your program, and you will see, it is not Your Fault, but the guilt that they carry as well...
I know that with my Afather, he knew how to play the blame game better then anyone I knew, when in the end, the only finger he pointed always ended right back in His Face...They to have issue to work out, it is just somtimes, we are the target of that issue...
let it Go... Let God take it from here... You will be fine :)
Tiger, I know you know what is right and good and what to just let go and let fly. Yeah, you do have the UNCONDITIONAL love of this program and this room with you always 100% , no questions asked.
Moms are TOTAL fruitcakes (yeah, I know its Mother's Day) in all shapes and sizes. She is in her own special little universe from the sound of it. Just let her be there thinking whatever she is going to think...what other people think of you is NONE of your business but you know this already, too.
Sounds like she is just ramping it up for you and working her best to TRY to put you into a slather about it all- putting the FUN back into dysFUNctional (that is me trying to make a joke). Don't take her bait. Your serenity is worth WAY MORE than her trip and you know it. Hugs, J.
