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here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My AH and I have been separated about 8 weeks. He moved out after he believed he was sober and stopped going to AA as soon as he moved out.
His sister who is 11 years younger LOVES being able to control him and spend all his time with her. They have NEVER been close in fact she is her parents biological child, my husband was adopted. His sister is very demanding and controlling.
When our kids were younger we would have to rearrange their birthday parties so she could attend and any number of other things until I finally put my foot down and said NO, these are our kids and we are going to do this the way we need to. Then, of course, I was the biggest B**** ever and still am to this day.
My family is very close, however, I am 9 years younger than my closest sibling and 15 years younger than the oldest. My sister and brothers would never think to interfer in my life nor would I in theirs.
You would think that if she truly loved her nephews she would want what is best for them and that is their father to be in AA and getting sober. But, she would prefer to have him as her drinking partner!!!!!
I realize he is not innocent in any of this but I just really had to vent. He allows it to happen over and over. It has been a source of great pain and problems for us for our entire marriage and relationship - 21 years!!!! He always will choose her over his "family" - me and the boys. It is very disturbing. I love my family but would choose my spouse and kids over any of them at any time. No one should be forced to choose though. It should just be a given that your family you created should be placed above the family you were born (given) into.
Just venting but any words of wisdom would be appreciated....
It came as a great relief to me when I finally accepted that I was powerless over this disease, and that included family members also.
The higher my expectations of others, the lower my serenity.
What I would do in any given situation may very well not apply to others who are affected and don't have a program of recovery for themselves.
I find that when I focus on me and what I can do to improve my life despite the actions of others, I am happier and relieved of the burden of putting the microscope on someone else's actions/behaviors.
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"If a dog will not come to you after having looked you in the face, you should go home and examine your conscience." - Woodrow Wilson
He's just doing what A's do -- they are both using each other to justify that what they're doing is ok, it's enabling them both. Not that they need help with that but I guess it makes it easier for them. Two addicts/drunks together are contentedly miserable. A's always put their disease first until they decide to put recovery first but not all A's get recovery.
Focus on YOU & detach from what they are doing or are not doing. Otherwise, it will drive you crazy. Detachment takes time to get but if you work on you -- let them go - if u can't pray for them & then let them go, think of you & what can you do for yourself today to make life better for you & your kids.
Wishing, hoping, being irritated by their behavior makes you sick, it's just wasted energy that you could be applying to yourself. Do it ~ you're worth it. Once I began to do that my life changed radically ~ thank god! I actually got serenity & for someone that couldn't conceptualize it a few years ago, it's a miracle in my life & I am eternally grateful.
-- Edited by kitty on Saturday 9th of May 2009 11:47:21 AM
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
It came as a great relief to me when I finally accepted that I was powerless over this disease, and that included family members also.
The higher my expectations of others, the lower my serenity.
I find that when I focus on me and what I can do to improve my life despite the actions of others, I am happier and relieved of the burden of putting the microscope on someone else's actions/behaviors.
Oh yea,,,,When I, too, realized that I cannot do a thing about another, it helped me really let go......and I , too have lowered my expectations over others...and my serenity has gotten better............"unrealistic expectations are premeditated resentments"....I don't really "expect" so much out of others if their patterns show others...Its like I have many "circles" in my life...the smaller/ closer ones are the "proven safe ones"...the circles get bigger with the less and less safe or close relationships.....If one repeatedly is not there for me...or actions do not match their words...or they always prioritize others and leave me on the *back burner*...i just say "ok, big circle for them" and i find myself changing my "circles" a lot......
I look at ME...What can I do to make ME better?? Take care of ME??? so I can better *share* me with proven others.......letting go re: changing/controlling another even tho I feel I am right to *expect* them to do whatever has helped me not be so angry/resentful a lot......
i hope this post made sense.......slept lousy last night.....
Wishing, hoping, being irritated by their behavior makes you sick, it's just wasted energy that you could be applying to yourself. Do it ~ you're worth it. Once I began to do that my life changed radically ~ thank god! I actually got serenity & for someone that couldn't conceptualize it a few years ago, it's a miracle in my life & I am eternally grateful.
-- Edited by kitty on Saturday 9th of May 2009 11:47:21 AM
Oh yea, the old wast of time "wishing and hoping" Been there and done that....NOW I take care of me and spend my time on worthwhile things and fellowship with healthy folks....When I was married to my A I was always irritated by his disease and he was "ok" to me...the 2nd husband, that is...but ya know even back when I wasn't in recovery, I saw myself just Letting it go..Like throwing up my hands and just say "I give up...DO what you gotta do"....I felt better...Now with the program, I can detach...Let go...Walk away...Set boundaries....Take care of me and I am more PEACEFUL......I am minding MY business and staying out of others......If they and I don't agree??? So what??? I am stickin to what "works for me" and leaving the rest.....
I realize he is not innocent in any of this but I just really had to vent. He allows it to happen over and over. It has been a source of great pain and problems for us for our entire marriage and relationship - 21 years!!!! He always will choose her over his "family" - me and the boys. It is very disturbing. I love my family but would choose my spouse and kids over any of them at any time. No one should be forced to choose though. It should just be a given that your family you created should be placed above the family you were born (given) into.
Just venting but any words of wisdom would be appreciated....
farmgirl
My "A" would get with his other A buddies and get plastered...I would sit and worry "is he dead?? car wreck?? jail???"....and yea, they would enable each other....2 drunks together is like matches and gasolene....It just is not gonna produce positive behaviour.....Like company so to speak......
.I am so glad I am in recovery because I have learned that letting them suffer the consequences (I am not married now...and NEVER again will I hitch up with an addict) but anyway, I have a close "A" brother....I used to help him with his cell bill...or send him $$ here and there, but NOT NOW!!!! I won't do a thing to enable him.....I am hoping the pain will get bad enough and he will drag himself into recovery, but i am NOT wasting my energy wiht the "wishing and hoping" thing......Lift him to God and DETACH.....GO my way!!!! Love him from a distance.......He and I used to be best friends and yea, I used to get high with him, but I got tired of it and decided to clean my act up and take some responsibility for myself.....
THEN I got into recovery and now I am able to "connect the dots" of my life and look back and just give THANKS I am no longer there anymore.......When I drink now, it is A beer or A glass of wine...I am more interested in having a good meal and good conversation then drinking.....I don't have to numb my pain anymore.....I can face it ..dispense with it and MOVE ON!!!!
-- Edited by rosielightshines on Saturday 9th of May 2009 05:08:42 PM
The ex A who I was with for 7 years had a controlling mother who insisted on him being present when she demanded it. Out of the blue, she didn't even date, she got married and moved out of state. Then there were no more demands and the A went into abandonment crisis.
Enmeshment is very common in A families. Raiing against it is good but they are stuck together like super glue.
