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Today I have been thinking about some things, some bother me & some I just don't really understand. But my thoughts brought me here about a week ago, and my gut told me one thing, while my heart told me another... Should have went with the gut I suppose...
How is it, that you can literally give yourself to someone, what ever they need, when ever, what ever the case, friends, family, ...and you think all is great, you find out that they can't even be honest to you about things.
Honesty is something I enjoy, I enjoy telling the truth... Now even tho I grew up in an "A" home, and Everyone Around me was/is Dishonest, lied, cheated, and yes when I was a Teenager... I did too, but in being full grown adults, how can honesty not be a part of that, when it is someone that you are close too...
I am the kind of person, that if you have a Problem with me or a problem with something I may or may not have said or done then Spit it out... I don't need "Smoke" that they tend to blow up my A@@.... For I grew up with alcoholics, I have been lied to my entire life... I am Good With Honesty...
Truly does make you think about who and what you allow for yourself and your life... See Al-anon to me, has taught me that Honesty is the best policy, because when you hold back the truth, you are setting yourself up for failure Upon Yourself... Even if you think, no one else knows, funny thing is, the lie shows its true color in the end... For this I have also learned from Life Experiences. Just amazes me how people can not open their mind to truth, weather it is good news or bad news, or they just dont care... Either way...Least they could be is Honest...
I guess there are something that i was not ment to understand, and I am glad that I am learning to focus more on me and less on them, for I can see I am about a (1) man band at this point in my life. True Eye Openers are hard to eat, but I am glad that they are starting to come into better focus... Imazing were HP can lead... To your Own Reality... I guess It is about time I get back to mine :)
Hope makes sense, just thoughts, in my head that needed Out... Thanks for lettin me share.. Love & Prayers Jozie
I SO relate! I grew up ACoA & saw the lying & didnt like it. I wouldnt lie as a kid, unless I was asked specifically for some reason. Otherwise I had diarrhea of the mouth, I'd tell my story, woes & pain to anyone within ear shot.
Changing is hard. I think most people turn into what they grew up around. Look at society, it's practially expected to exaggerate or lie on a resume, just commonplace.
Being willing to be brutally honest is not for wimps. Most people dont do it. When I find an honest person outside of program, I'm astounded b/c u just dont typically see it. But you're correct, it is more straightforward to simply be totally honest in life. Most ppl have their outer realities -- what they show the world & an inner reality, their motives & the truth.
I'm just grateful for the person I am today & have set boundaries and am willing to be very selective w/ those whom I call friends.
What you have learned & accepted as reality is true -- poeple just have to suffer negative consequences before they are willing to change, then they will see too that it works more effectively & effortlessly when their inner & outer truths are in line.
Lots of times doing the right thing is a painful experience... I'd wager that's where people might fall off the path & lie to themselves, convincing themsleves that they can tolerate less than. I have done that before -- never again. Today I stick to my boundaries & I have self-respect with is priceless.
To me, honesty is everything.
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
This is a good post. Great subject. I also found the value of honesty in program. At the same time I learned why I lied and what became of me from believing the lies of others. I came to understand that part of "Not knowing and not knowing that I didn't know' was because most of what I believed and understood what how I use to guide my life and my life had come to uselessness when I got here.
Everyone was telling the story from their perspective. I didn't have another perspective so I went along with much of it and at times inventing my own stories along the way. Those stories that I chose to believe including my own would have been best let go however I needed them so I hung with them and reused them to suit my needs. In once sense I believed the lies and lived as if they were real. How much foresight I used in living like this doesn't matter because the choice was mine as was the consequences. h Al-Anon taught me to slow down, stop and listen and then question myself if I wanted any part of what I was hearing. "Take what you like leave the rest".
I love the freedom from fear today because alot of my lies we fear based. I can tell the truth and act it out with love and confront and question lies in the same manner.
Just because I got into Al-Anon and "came to understand" doesn't mean that now the rest of the world must suddenly "get it" and fall in line. I got it and I got it for me. One of the things I got is compassion for people who are still afraid and need to use lies so that they can paint an acceptable picture of them selves. I know what that's like I hope I can be of help to them so that they can be freed from that sickness and come play out in the sunlight. Today I can confront what appears to be a lie with love and compassion and without self righteousness and judgement. I've been forgiven and as far as I can see we are all in this lifeboat together. When I was using lies I was trying to survive. That is still the same way I think about it when I know someone else is doing it. We're doing the best we can with what we got. After sharing our ESH with others we normally have more if not better than before we started.
I relate to Dave Harm......I HAD to lie to "get out of that house".....I devised dishonest ways to get me outta there....A peaceful night....
I hated it, deep inside, but at that time I needed to lie......And like Dave, I made up stories about my "cool" parents because I just could NOT share my awful secrets......so yea, at some times...special times *lying* saved my life...saved my sanity....kept me "going on"......
Now?? I do my best to avoid dishonesty and dishonest people......TRUST is a big issue with me....Let it begin with me....It had to!!!!!
Actually, I wonder how the 8th and 9th steps fit into having to lie to get out of the house or get out of a marriage...did either of you feel you had to clear the air once you came to admit your need to lie? How did that work for you? Trying to learn from others experiences so as not to have to re invent the wheel?
funnyone, In program I learned that I dont need to be completely honest to everyone all the time. I can have privacy in myself, I can keep things to me, that are my business & not tell others - like in carrying out plans -- say in my marriage with my exAH -- if I told him I wanted to leave, he would have totally freaked out, instead of how a healthy person, a true friend would help you get out and still be concerned & loving.
I no longer have to justify myself to anyone else. In working the steps & my program, it's between me & god. Steps 8 & 9 say being willing to make amends ecxept when to do so may harm others ~ I am included in that, so I could never make amends with my first husband with him directly. However, I have made amends with him in spirit & that totally counts.
I had a priest that told me I can confess myself to god at any time & it will be forgiven, but I need to also forgive myself -- otherwise I'm still condemning me.
-- Edited by kitty on Saturday 9th of May 2009 11:29:51 AM
__________________
Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
Actually, I wonder how the 8th and 9th steps fit into having to lie to get out of the house or get out of a marriage...did either of you feel you had to clear the air once you came to admit your need to lie? How did that work for you? Trying to learn from others experiences so as not to have to re invent the wheel?
Actually for me, the ones I had to lie to were either dead or too dangerous to approach....taking steps 8 and 9 CAN MEAN....****acknowledging**** that "yea, I did this and the "amend" was to forgive ME for having to do that, lower my self, in order to survive....and the amend , too, was to get into recovery and "turn from the wrong"...... "clearing the air" is only applicable, to me, if it is SAFE...for me?? the other??? SAFE...if not???? acknowleding it to my God..To me....Working it through in that I understand and forgive me and that I dont' have to do it any more because I am "big enough" to protect me is enough for me...I am fine with what I did....I took responsibility for it....Talked it over with me/ HP and now that I feel so much safer , i dont WANT to lie.....LYING is NOT me!!! LYING was the actions of a scared, desperate little kid who was just trying to stay alive and/or keep her sanity.........God is cool with me re: my lying in the past to protect me....
funnyone, In program I learned that I dont need to be completely honest to everyone all the time. I can have privacy in myself, I can keep things to me, that are my business & not tell others -
I no longer have to justify myself to anyone else. In working the steps & my program, it's between me & god. Steps 8 & 9 say being willing to make amends ecxept when to do so may harm others ~ I am included in that, so I could never make amends with my first husband with him directly. However, I have made amends with him in spirit & that totally counts.
I had a priest that told me I can confess myself to god at any time & it will be forgiven, but I need to also forgive myself -- otherwise I'm still condemning me.
-- Edited by kitty on Saturday 9th of May 2009 11:29:51 AM
Right on , Kitty...There are things that ONLY myself and my God knows about me and THAT is ENOUGH...I am still taking responsibility in acknowledging it and also, I am not "conning me or my HP (albeit impossible to con HP)" However I don't believe in the "confess all" to another if it is not appropriate for me to do it........I think if a body is honest....There is SOME stuff I will take to my grave with me and its OK because I talked it over with ME....My God....THAT is enough....I came out of denial...Into acceptance......AND made amends/changes needed to live a healthier life..........GREAT share, Kitty
