The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
first i want to say there is a fantastic book called "Boundaries" by cloud /townsend you can find it at amazon new or used... or at a local half price books for pretty darn cheap $. :))) it helped me understand My situation better and how to apply boundaries in my relationship. I live with active alcoholism in our home.
words from the book say; " ..... problems arise when boundaries of responsibility are confused. we are to Love one another, not be one another. i cant feel your feelings for you. i cant think for you i cant behave for you. .... i cant work thru the disapointment that limits bring for you. in short, i cant grow for you; only you can." "...... you are responsible for yourself. i am responsible for my self. "
this little blurp helped me understand that boundaries.. for me ... living with active alcoholism .. would have to be / could be from the inside.
i will not respond to unkind words i will not let him (my AH) active husband push buttons to start a confrontation i will not let his hateful words .. he does that when hes been drinking, get to me i will recognize hes not himself anylonger
if i were to set a boundary *on him if i were to say to him .., "im setting a boundary of this or that ...." it would be the worst way for me to be able to carry it out because as an alcoholic does..... its' * control control control and manipulate and demean and try most any way even humoursly to demean and pull away any self- esteem a loved one may have for them.... so i dont play into it. i keep most things to myself .. boundaries ideas of detachment anything that might casue upset. i taught myself this. learning alanons tools. i didnt have it with me when we began came into the relationship alanon helped me realize i needed the support the hug and the pat on the shoulder to reassure me i was doing the right thing and it became easier for me as time went on.... to step back and take a deep breathe and feel my self detach from the drama.
i can say nothing or i can agree ...(even if i dont.) when my AH has been drinking the truth is it doesnt matter whos right. cause an alcoholic/ drug user... is always right. right?... right. lol. especially when they are in the thrawls of its holds. i can love my AH-husband and i do dearly. but i dont have to love or even like this horrid disease this terrible addiction. with one day at a time even one minute or one second at a time i can fill my head with slogans and the
serenity prayer and i can do deep breathing exercises and let the tense moment s pass. reality is they will:)
i always remember I CAN and I AM.., a person a loving breathing human being and i want better for myself and my family. i achieve that each day with love and hope in my heart and a cling to
the positive aspects of my life and this program.
so glad to be here. so glad your here too:))) Keep comin back it does work if you work it!
Just in case some folks still may not have seen these guidelines, I'll post them saying, I got this from another member here at MIP. I have used these guidelines to set boundaries in all areas of my life, including professionally & they do work, you just have to really be sure you want to proceed with it b/c if u dont follow through, your word means nothing!
6 GUIDELINES FOR SETTING BOUNDARIES
1. HAVE CLEARLY DEFINED EXPECTATIONS. 2. CLEARLY DEFINED CONSEQUENCES THAT DONT DISRUPT YOUR SERENITY. 3. SET THEM CLEARLY 4. COMMUNICATE THEM THEM CLEARLY.
5. ENFORCE THEM CONSISTENTLY. 6. WITHOUT REGARD FOR THE RELATIONSHIP (RELEASE ANY EXPECTATIONS ABOUT THE OUTCOME).
-- Edited by kitty on Friday 8th of May 2009 02:57:20 PM
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
