The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My exabf called me the other day. I hadnt heard from him in 10 days. He'd been back to his rehab for a visit and to do service work. Hadnt told anyone he was going just turned off his phone and went. He was full of good news over opportunities that had arisen, its great to hear him doing so well, I really mean that. He wanted to come round for a meal and a catch up just like we've always done when we were together. I had planned on going to a yoga class that I'd been trying to get to for ages. So I said no its not convenient this evening I've got plans. You have no idea how hard that was for me, it took alot to stick to my plans. I could tell he was a bit taken back but you know thats how its got to be. I said he could call tomorrow. I went to the class and it was great. Real progress for me. I cant believe I managed to refuse him.
I even text him the following morning giving him the option to cancel as according to him we shouldnt be seeing each other.I know the pattern, we see each other, he then goes all withdrawn and anounces we cant be together and I don t see him again for ages.
Our evening together was lovely, I had hoped to stay detached and not let him get to me, I didnt, I was straight back in there, why do I think I know better than my HP? why do I think I can impose my will on everything?? I am not strong enough to be around him and not get involved.
Before he left for his meeting I told my ex that I want to see him on Sunday so he had no need to feel guilty or have to be the one to try and finish things, I want to see him again and then I'm done with it. I need to be the one who ends it, I have to be the strong one because despite my ex telling me for the past 5 months its over we are still stuck in this routine.
I know I'm trying to control the ending of our relationship. I know I'm playing with fire I cant be in this relationship any longer its no good for me. I want to leave it behind, I'm trying so hard and I feel like rubbish right now. I feel like I've had a great big relapse its horrible.
I'm praying that all of this is happening with my HP's guidance, so that when I do the right thing which I swear thats what I want to do, I do it well and with good grace.
Congratulations on having the fortitude to keep your plans to go to the Yoga class, even though someone else wanted you to do something else! That is Great, I know how hard that would have been for me!
As to your trying to "control the ending of our relationship", keep praying. I get confused sometimes between trying to decide if I am being controlling or if I am doing what the right thing for me is...when other people are involved. As a past, full-time, self appointed, control "expert" (in my pre-recovery delusional existance ) I have to always be on the guard not to get too caught back up in that. Because of that, it can be confusing sometimes what I am up to when I start doing things that affect other people.
I write about it. I talk to my sponsor or other program friends. But what it really boils down to is doing a motive check. Why am I doing what I am doing. Is it to attempt to change someone else's behavior, etc. Or is it because I believe it is the right thing for me....even when sometimes the right thing for me isn't something I really want to do.
Anyway....I don't know best either....that is my reality.
HP does know best. I trust in that. I am also learning that even the mistakes I make are part of my teaching. Opportunities for me to assess an action for it's rightness and move on without beating myself up for them. They are every bit as important as the successes.
I've often been confused about being powerless over OTHERS and then over decisions that greatly affect my life - such as the decision to continue or end a relationship. I think it's OK to want to control the end of a relationship to some extent. I mean at some point we make a choice to stay or go and more often than not our reasons for going are because we are taking care of ourselves.
Praying for guidance and talking to program peeps is what has helped me. Also, I love what David said about doing a 'motive check.' Something I REALLY needed to hear today!
((((Carol)))) It sounds like I might have been dating his brother!LOL
You should be very proud of the progress you made. Simply saying NO and continuing with your plans was a HUGE step in these Go Away-No Wait a Minute relationships. YOU DID GREAT!
We all slip, God knows I am the Queen-lol, but we bounce back. Sounds like you might have done just that. I found for me that I tried to control the ending to, I wanted to control the end of the communication,etc. Honestly I think I just NEEDED TO FEEL like I had some control in a situation where I felt like the caboose following around the crazy train.
Keep it simple and take care of you. Trust your HP to lead where you need to follow, and when all else fails me I try and remember that I am right where I need to be (even when I don't like it-I have to trust it)
living in the now shelly
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Put down the magnifying glass and pick up the mirror!
Coming from another angle...what has worked for me? Let go of all self determination and get weak putting yourself and your entire life into the palms of your HP. Recovery most often is about learning how to be involved in other ways that are loving and supportive rather than needy and controlling.
That's about you not the alcoholic. You're getting there. Keep coming back.
idk, this can be a tricky one for me, especially before I had any boundaries. I would like to break up b/c I felt like I had the control that way. But they still hurt even when you're doing the breaking up.
Also, when I was w/ a guy that I couldnt seem to let go of even if we kept breaking up & getting back together -- whenever I would announce something, like, "this is it, it's over, I'll never call you again" low & behold, I'd be calling again! ugh All it did was make me look like a crazy person that would never keep her word.
So, I stopped announcing my plans. Since, I would do the opposite of what I'd say, anyway. If I wanted to break up, I would just do it. If I didnt want to take their calls anymore, I would just do it.
Now that i'm healthier (have boundaries & can follow through) I could be friends w/ a guy after it was over. I could be mature & break up cleanly without a messy deal but it has taken so much to get to this point.
Do what you have to, whatever is best for you.
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
I feel a little easier now, I was just doubting my thought processes I had to be sure I wasnt operating in denial. Thanks David for the insight on doing a motive check, that was an issue for me. I am clear that my motive is a good one.
Its been a long and painful haul for me to arrive at this point, each time I've allowed my boundaries to be broken. I am a slow learner, but I am learning.
I have no ulterior motive to my plan. I am setting a boundary that will keep me safe. I know my HP is walking me through this.
I want to see him again and then I'm done with it. I need to be the one who ends it, I have to be the strong one because despite my ex telling me for the past 5 months its over we are still stuck in this routine.
#### this is bringing up a "mirror" for me...Like WHY do I have to be the one to "cut the tie".....WHY can't I just walk away when something does not work after boundaries ddn't work and talking didn't work.....Is it my need to control??? still???? Or do I have to have the "last word"??? because as a child I had NO voice...NO choice...Everything was *done* to me and I had no say??? Wow this post is making me think of me and my behaviour....Why should it matter WHO ends it as long as I am rid of them????? Pride???
I know I'm trying to control the ending of our relationship. I know I'm playing with fire I cant be in this relationship any longer its no good for me. I want to leave it behind, I'm trying so hard and I feel like rubbish right now. I feel like I've had a great big relapse its horrible.
####### See I have done this too....And all I did was "keep the dialogue open" and I should have just quietly walked away.......
THANK you for making me see ME and somethings I need to ask my inner child about like WHY can't I just LET GO....or in some cases....."LET THEM WALK" and be DONE with them???????
) I have to always be on the guard not to get too caught back up in that. Because of that, it can be confusing sometimes what I am up to when I start doing things that affect other people.